The gist of the matter...

The thing is that we are all in this together, as human beings and dysfunctional I know, because I've lived and experienced it.

I am just beginning to understand now, and it is sad because it is something all parents should know about and recognize BEFORE they have children. This knowledge should not be limited to those that study psychology.

The elements of good parenting are many, and children (as I consider 20 something’s to be) are simply not yet equipped unless they happen to come from a very good, grounded warm environment.

For example, I was taught and raised to be meek, to blend in to whatever family or environment I was to live with. Thus, I leaned to make myself "invisible" and agreeable. Yes I was taught manners, and educated, but always taught to "know my place".

Though I had a generally gentle upbringing (up to 9 yrs. old - then for a few years at a convent until 15 yrs old) what happened was that my "invisibility" and ability to blend, was really an ability to "erase" myself, to allow the way others thought or lived to be the norm. It is how I would do the very same that the poster above said, their father would say "just be quiet, let it be" - I would say to my children, when their stepfather was ranting " just be quiet, go to your room, don't make it worse", or "do it for me" I thought I was creating peace, because that is what I knew: how to survive, how to become, how to get lost in the environment.

To my one child however, it was always a feeling of defeat, of "why do you not stand up for us, for yourself", as he grew older it created feelings of deep resentment and anger.

Another problem, because I felt so inadequate - after all I was to " listen and do as you're told" I was (and still am) embarrassed to be me - after all why always have to be like "others tell you to"? - thus I left all of me behind: my language, my religion, my self. I became whatever others said "normal" should be.

Now, I realize, I left behind all that was me - the most beautiful parts of me, my culture, my music, dancing, laughing, family gatherings, and my being. The worst part: I never included my children in that. I wanted them "to belong" - to be like everyone else. Which to me meant "not like me"

The result: they got stepped on, yelled at, don't know my family, my family doesn't know them, they do not have religion or spiritual belief, they can't even communicate with my family (different language) - I was told to" belong"

So - that is what I have to say, that parents sometimes only know what they saw or were told. The lesson then maybe for many should be what "not to do" and that may just be as valuable, so as not (like I did) repeat the same old patterns.

Miraculously, one of my children is now doing fantastically well, and with many prayers and hope - perhaps God will grant the second one the same chance.

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do" - I sure didn't.

That is why, you should know for sure - that whatever your parents said or did - was NOT A REFLECTION ON WHO YOU ARE, rather a way of life for them. Its what they knew. You, are OK.

"God dwells within you, as you." (I just read this today, and made me cry.)

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