Re: How many don't like their parents?

I posted here about life with a narcissistic mother. When she died over 8 years ago, I didn't cry. I went to visit her at the hospice before she died of lung cancer (almost 50 years of heavy smoking before she quit 10 years before she died), liver cancer (she was an alcoholic) and Alzheimer's disease. Oddly enough, the only time I choked up was when she took my hand and rubbed it against her face. To this day I'm not sure why it had that effect on me. The day after she died, I was talking to my sister-in-law who told me that my brother stayed home from work that day. My response was "why?". Her response--"I don't know".

Growing up, we believed our father to be the good guy. After all, he was trying to keep the peace. He'd tell us "don't argue with her. She'll yell at me later and let's have some peace in this house." Only after I was older and discussing this with my husband that I had a relevation. My husband pointed out that my father wasn't looking out for us, he was only looking out for himself. See, you do understand things better when you are an adult! I now understand that my father threw us to the wolves. He still can't see that he did something wrong. When I would try to discuss it with him, he'd say "what else could I do?" When I'd tell what he could have done, the response was "I never would have heard the end of it from her."

I've actually come to see that I did learn some positive lessons from my parents. From my mother, I learned to be considerate of others. As a child, I learned that because I knew how it felt when my mother terrorized us all and demanded that we all cave to her wishes. I also learned that verbal and emotional abuse leave hidden scars and wounds so I knew that I had to break the cycle. From my father, I learned to speak up in defense of my child. When my husband had a bad day at work and snapped at our daughter, I would tell him not to talk to her like that. When she would be out of earshot, I would tell him that he owed her an apology. Fortunately, these incidents were rare and he would calm down and apologize to her.

When I grew up, child abuse was only considered when there were broken bones and scars. No one thought there was anything wrong with verbal abuse. In fact, I would hear adults and kids laugh about overhearing an adult verbally abuse their child. It was considered to be okay if a parent beat a child with a belt and raised up welts. Today, fortunately, things are different. I have a cousin who is a doctor. His father would beat him and his siblings and leave marks. Once my cousin went to the doctor the day after a beating that left marks on his back. The doctor said nothing. Fast forward to the present--my cousin said that if he saw a child with those marks, by law he would have to report it to Child Protective Services.

So... don't feel bad for not liking your parents. I think you need to grieve for the parents you wanted but didn't get. That's what I've had to do and it's a very long process. To this day, I admit, when I see a mother and daughter that have a great relationship, I can't help but feel envious. Also, if you become a parent, resolve to break the cycle of abuse. Tweet