Re: This thread really hit home!!

sslea--Thank you for your response. I want to say that I identify with so much in your post. My mother, too, was obssessed about my weight. I'm about your height and at age seven, I developed a weight problem. When I went through puberty, things evened out but I was still about 10-15 pounds overweight. In my mother's eyes I was so fat it embarassed her. She was always criticizing me about my choice of clothing (I dressed conservatively) telling me that the clothes emphasized my weight. My younger brothers picked up on all that and once one of them told me that I embarassed him in front of my friends when I was sent to tell him dinner was ready. Apparently my clothes and my weight embarassed him. I weigh more now--a combination of factors. Where I live you need a car to get anywhere plus I have IBS so I can't take walks after eating a meal. My hope is to make change--move somewhere that is walkable, work on dealing with the IBS symptoms. I, too, heard from my mother that no one would ever marry me because I was so fat, etc., etc. She told me I was going to be an old maid.

You said that your mother is now apologetic. My question to you is--do you believe she is sincere? The reason I ask is that while growing up, my mother would on rare occasions apologize for her actions. However, I quickly learned that her apologies didn't ring true. The first time she apologized I thought to myself--"good. she knows what she did and won't do it again". Wrong. So you do need to find out if your mother is sincere. Believe me, I know how past issues can cloud things. If she is sincere, she should be able to listen to your side of things and acknowledge her actions. That's something my mother would never do. If I mentioned something she said or did in the past, she would scream at me and tell me I was crazy and I was making this all up. My father (coward that he is) would always take her side and later tell me that he knew what happened but never to mention it to her again. It's up to you if you want to try and make amends with your mother. If you try and it doesn't work out, please don't blame yourself! If anything, it should give you some peace knowing that you did try.

As for relationships with others--yes, they do say that no matter if your are male or female, you do marry your mother. And, to be honest with myself, I do see some of my mother in my husband but fortunately, not too much. I've even told him the ways in which he reminds me of her. It's helped--he has made an effort to not be like that. (For instance, he tends to get angry at small issues. I react differently to him than I would have to my mother. I tell him to calm down and not get his shorts in a knot over something so inconsequential.) As for your SO getting upset about you asking about his dinner with female friends---was he in a past relationship with someone who was insanely jealous? If so, he may be projecting those feelings he had then onto you. I always remember something I heard Dr. Phil once say--when we enter into a relationship with someone, we each bring our own baggage into the relationship--which we then proceed to dump into the middle of the room. So please realize that what's happening isn't all your fault.

Believe me, I know all about self-esteem issues! In time, I've learned to be more assertive. I used to be the type that would say nothing if I got shoddy or rude service when out shopping. Now I speak up--even have gone to the manager about any problems. In great part, I credit the birth of my daughter for this. I knew that I had to show by example that you don't let other people treat you badly and you don't settle for bad service. She has grown up now and she has no problems dealing with such issues. In fact, when she was in high school and I would tell her I was going to call a company about bad service, she would volunteer to do it! Back to weight issues--my daughter got a potbelly when she was in high school. I noticed it and said nothing to her and told my husband not to mention it. I had to tell him that when he said jokingly to her "I bet I can pinch more than an inch". After I talked to him, he never said anything else about her weight to her. I figured she is a smart girl, she doesn't need me to point out that she has a potbelly. A friend of mine paid me a wonderful compliment--she told me that my daughter has a good body image and feels very confident in her clothing. My friend also told me that I should take some credit for that!

Sorry that this is so long. I hope it helps some. Happy Holidays to you, too! Tweet