Re: to 42721, very honest...

Oh my... 52320...

Did you know that your anonimous number - 52320 - is numerologically = 12? that's 5+2+3+2+0 = 12. In numerology it can mean a lot of things, but one that comes up is that number 1 is the teacher or master, and 2 is someone who is bent over just like the shape of the number itself. I look at it as a pupil who is learning through many putdowns and victimizations. I just noticed that - i don't read much into numbers though. But it may help to know that some of the wisest and happiest people on the planet became that through many trials and troubles which made them first victims and later masters of their own fate.

You touched my heart with your honesty. There were a few things that I know would help you that i noticed you are missing on. First and foremost, and this has helped me a lot: one really NEEDS to understand exactly what is going on. Otherwise we are like blind men being hit by all these troubles and wondering why is everyone hating us. Once you do become your own decent psychologist, it becomes much better, as at that point you are closer to making a meaningfull, informed decision in everything.

AS a matter of fact, I'd say that most of the troubles that hit us, come from the fact that we don't understand deeply enough why things are the way they are.

As soon as you told me that your hubby comes from a broken home, I knew that something was "wrong" with him. A raped child will always become a rapist. A child of a criminal will always become a criminal (if raised that same person). That's how we work: children learn by copying, by examples, not by what they are told. Unless he had a damn good therapist for many years, and unless he really learned well how NOT to make the same mistake, he is on the exact same road as his father - a road of not caring for his wife and kids. He will also take it out on you for not being the super-mom that he would have liked his mom to be. That's the basis for any trouble. NExt time, or in your next life, marry someone who comes from a happy family. Why fix others problems? (OTOH, at the begining of our relationship, my wife said that her parents were great, never even touched her, always supported her, and so on... only later did she admit that she was badly abused...)

The fact that you also come from a broken home is only making the whole thing even more difficult.

I may have written about this before, but even then, you may benefit from it. First we need to know what we, as humans, really are. If you don't know what you are, you can't really tell if something is off, right!? That's where Science may help, but unfortunatelly mostly just makes our lives even more misearable with it's errors and manipulations.

We are all God's children, and I don't say it in some religious way. I don't go to church. I don't even remember that being the God's major deal - it's not really important to God whether we do or not (and I don't remember religion mentioned in the Bible as important, right? but that's off topic). But!!! Being God's children means that we are all equal. Trully equal. What does that imply? That we all deserve identical respect. You cannot make someone respect you, but you have full right to expect respect for yourself. Those who don't respect us, are free to go their own way, and we don't owe them anything!

Try to meditate or think about that fro a while. First thought for instance: "I was put on this planet because God wanted me here." Would you be alive today or even ever born if God didn't want you here? If you don't believe in God, but say nature, or whatever, just see that you are not here by accident. That says a lot. And that also says - everyone on this planet HAS and OWES you respect that you also owe to others. One person you probably don't respect enough is - you guessed it - you. (BTW, the reference you made about "car in the tree" is something you need to promise yourself you'd never do! It is a sin in the worst possible way, it is a selfish thought - how would I feel for instance knowing that someone I tried to help died immediately after???????????? and it is not a way out of troubles, but a sure way to hell of troubles, with no way out. So, make sure you never ever do that, or even think it, make sure it is not on the list of your options! Just like escaping to Mars is not an option, so is driving into a tree. Same thing.).

Another thought to ponder for a few days or weeks: "I am equally welcome on this planet as all the others!". Try to FEEL what those words really mean. Try to put yourself in God's position - look at the planet from somehwere up in the universe and see the Earth with 7 billion people on it. See how they are all equal. No human demi-Gods here. DOn't just think about this. Let those words change how you see and feel yourself.

Third thought: "No one has any more rights then me". They don't have any less either of course... but see if you really live that rule, or just believe in it but never really apply it...

Your husband may be 100lbs bigger, but that means nothing. I know a karate instructor, a super sweet woman in her 40s, who is about half my size. I am 6.4 and about 200lbs, she's about 5.4 and maybe 120lbs with her winter clothes on. And believe me, if I was an agressive husband who wanted to hit her, I think it would take her a second to nail me and floor me really good. It's not the size of your mussles, but what you are ready to do, and how big your intention is. A bully will never attack the one who is a real trouble to deal with. My cousin is not the strongest guy on the block, but he is the craziest. He never attacked first, but since he is cute and girls love him (and he doesn't seem like a fighter at all!), he was attacked a few times, especially by some bully who was even in trouble with police. When that guy, who was twice his size, attacked him - first verbally, which my cousin took well, but then hit him as well (which he didn't take that well), my cousin responded by hitting bully's head against the pavement, and then getting it in the school door, hitting him with it, until this guy fainted. I don't recommend violence, just want to illustrate that it's all in the attitude. I could never do it, but then my cousin was never ever beaten up. Well, ok once when some guys wanted to rape a girl and he decided he'd fight 6 of them rather then see her raped. And he lost the fight (he was blue for a few days)... but she was saved. This can be applied in communication or anything else - don't let people give you hell. Period. God wants you to respect yourself. Show it and demand it! You have a right to it. My cousin is an extreme example, I'd never go that far, but it's the other extreme that many victims never even think about.

I remember a friend at work who asked a few very tough questions of his boss when boss informed him of a certain decision that was made. It went something like this:

- ...so we decided to do so and so.
- Wait - who are "WE"? I don't remember being there, as we agreed, so I was not in that "we", right?
- I know but...
- (interupting) You know what exactly?
- What do you mean?
- You said "I know", so I am wondering what is it that you knew.
- Well I didn't really find you, so we had a meeting already
- You mean - you had that important meeting which I waited for a long time, without me, plus you never even tried to get me into it?
- Well you were not here...
- where "here"?
- At your desk.
- Maybe I was in the washroom, or at someone's desk, but I don't remember you paging me, or emailing me, or even looking for me, right?
- Well...
- Well, it looks to me that the meeting YOU had was not the meeting we agreed to have. So let's call a real meeting and then WE can decide. Why don't you call others to set up the meeting.

That conversation was an eye opener for me. I hope it is for you. It's an example of insisting on respect. Even didn't let him interrupt with the stupid "I know but..." thing!

Interesting thing is that your husband and my wife do the same thing - they "hear things" as I like to call that. I may say "why is this here?" - because I want to check if I can move it out of the way, or maybe I should leave it there if it is there for a good reason, and she hears "Why did you upset me by leaving this here!? You are such a bad wife.". So she starts appoligizing, when I didn't really care or was upset at all! Then of course she gets angry at me, because I also leave things around (and I do)... meanwhile I am wondering what the hell went wrong... from asking an innocent question, to having all the rage of this world come down on me.

That is another thing you may want to learn about - understanding really well how communication works and SEEING it for what it is. Then it is a real art to respond to that. Probably the best thing is to make sure that no weight of that screwed up communication lands on your shoulders. You don't have to take responsibility for someone misinterpreting everything you say. I do that like this:

- Honey, do you know where my glasses are?
- Why would I move your glasses - I never need them anyway.
- Honey, I never said, thought or implied that you did move my glasses, so lets try this one more time, this time with you hearing me: do you know where my glasses are?
- I don't know.
- Thank you, I didn't mean any harm, I really just want to find my glasses...

Now this exchange could go any other way, but we did have a few talks where I explained to her that what I say is always exactly what I mean, and that sometimes I may not be in the best mood, just like any human being, but that doesn't mean it's directed at her. So in a way she was prepared for that, which is why it worked. ALso, we talked about it in a fun way, usually with me starting with some example about someone else. Then I hope she would realize she does the same, or if she doesnt I'd tell her in a nice way that I noticed she is capable of doing exact same thing.

In reallity, the thing that helped me the most in studying psychology, and going to a really good therapist, is learning to carefully listen and understand what people say, imply and communicate in various ways. I actually don't care so much about what someone said; to me it is important - what they say with their gestures and meanings as well as what is implied. There are so many ways to say one thing and communicate the exact opposite.

Double binds:

This is probably the most important realization I ever had. My therapist used that term a lot, but we never really went deep enough into it. For years that term stayed with me, as if my subconsciousness was trying to tell me something. Finally I started studying it, and realized that it was something very important. There are psychologists today who would dare to say that all troubles are based on "double binds"!

A double bind is a situation in which you see two possibilities where neither is acceptable. For instance: if I leave my job I will die of starvation, but if I stay, I will die young as they work me to bone and are extremely unpleasant. See what I mean? Or, there are more subtle ways, especially used by others on us:

- Honey, lets go for a walk!
- Wow, what a beautifull day for golf...

That's also a double bind. The golf response is saying two things which deny each other: "Yes, I agree..." and "I'd like to play golf", which in negative terms, and more honest representation is "I don't care for your wishes, I have my own observatiosn that I care about more then yours", and "I don't care what you want, I want something else, but I don't appreciate you enough to be straight forward with you, so I may as well just manipulate you until I get things my way".

If a person is raised with a lot of double bind communication, that person will start seein double binds even where they don't exist. I hope you realize that you were probably raised that way. A few things that you wrote helped me come to that conclusion (maybe it's wrong conclusion - let me know if you don't agree).

The most important thing about double binds: they do make us feel very angry, they are at the bottom of all psychological manipulations, those are moments when people say one thing, but suggest the exact opposite with their actions, and we are in danger if we start perciving things in such a way. There is a solution: seeing the bigger picture. You may want to run into that tree. This is a proof of double bind thinking, where the only third option was the tree. But what about million other options which you are not aware of??? How about you first becoming the happy person you can be, getting your sleep pattern into good shape, learining to respect yourself, and then seeing that world around you is changing? Or how about you divorce, and meet a really happy guy who loves you? Or how about you run into a great therapist, who helps you and your husband? See that there are million other options.

Communication usually tells more then is really put in words. Learning to really HEAR and SEE everything that is being said and implied is the most important thing I've learned. Before that my self esteem was super low as I didn't know when someone was putting me down, or cheating me out of my own happiness in some way, all I had was some resentment that I couldn't pinpoint.

As far as you - you are not talking much about your sleep problems, and I am not quite sure that I understand why you have to sleep downstairs... sorry, maybe I was reading too fast. I don't understand your sleeping problems, but I have noticed that people who are under stress need a lot more vitamin B complex as a result. Try to take 50mg vitamin B complex as well as some vitamin C and vitamin E every day after meal. Just to cover the basic stuff. Then get into a habit of taking some kefir, as many people who are stressed have weak immune system, and they usually eat sweats or carbs, so kandida develops, and kandida eats a lot of vitamin B. Kefir may be the only and best defense against it.

As far as the cat example: your house is both yours and your husbands. He doesn't have a right to force you to anything, not even taking in a cat where you don't want it. He also doesn't have the right to tear up or break things around house. You on the other hand, have a right to insist he corrects what he ruins - asap. Take a stand. You've done that already. You can even find a moment when he's calm and sit and friendly explain to him that you know you're not perfect, but that you don't want him taking his frustrations out on you or what belongs to you. Especially if he loves you - agressive behaviour is not good for anyone. Not even for him. Also , you may want to ask him if he would like his daughters to marry an agressive idiot who will beat them up. They do seem scared anyway. They are on their way to misery then. Try to show that to him and see if he realizes. He may not be able to change right away, but ask him to find some other way of venting his frustrations. Tell him to get a baseball bat and hit a pillow in basement or something. Also, more importantly - ask him if there was ever a time in his childhood when he was equally angry. Insist that he remembers it. When he does - ask him to really feel like he did then. Then ask him if he is really mad at you or that person... see what happens...

Also tell him that if he understood things, those same things would bother him a lot less. You may become upset because someone ran into you on the street and never even appologized, but if you saw that the person in question was blind, your anger would immediately deflate like a punctured tire. Tell him that. Not every time we are angry are we right.

Gotta go,

Love and kisses and hugs from me!