to 42721, very honest...

and very sad. When I responded the first time, I was so SURE I could hold out for 8 years. I sleep an average of 3 or 4 hours a night....when I get a 5 I am almost giddy. The physical pain was getting to me. Regardless of how little I sleep, I take your stance..."In that respect, it is of utmost importance to be on guard against our own mistakes and responses - not to be provoked to do or say something we'd rather not want to "explaing to God" some day." I told my spouse one morning that I was pleased and doing better not being jealous of how well he sleeps and he interpreted that as "you sleep too much" I said the dishes weren't done because M...had made dinner for her boyfriend, and I was too tired to stay up and help her and he TOOK that as me critisizing him for going to bed (I was trying to make sure he didn't blow up at her).And so it goes. If I share my feelings, he only hears his skewed interpretation of things. He cut our flex money, didn't mention it...till I tried to file. He changed jobs abrubtly--to one that my doctor wasn't covered on, nor the dentist etc. All is stuff is very passive aggressive, unless he loses it, tells me I'm making his life hell, and screams at me. I never know when that will come.

Heres the deal: he knew before he married me that I was not the worlds most organized person. I was witty, funny, creative, passionate, playful, and extremely sensitive, intelligent, competitive, cooridinated, and spontaneous and VERY intuitive (I didn't even realize that)and faithful to my/our religion. I'm not bragging. My biggest weakness was my inorganization. I was graduating as an elementary teacher. He was an engineering student. He was organized, logical, gave a great foot rub, and also passionate. We both came from broken homes--my father raised 5 girls, his mother raised him. Both my mother and his father9the absent parents) were alcholics. So I figured my husband and I would be--A matched set. Both really wanting a marriage that would work. Yea, Right! What I didn't know about him until AFTER I married him (he went on a church mission, I waited, dated, and then married him after he returned and put him through college) was he had a TEMPER. And guess what--I have a fear of angry people. So the truth is....I'm scared of him. Just the other day I realized I still am afraid of his wrath. Within the first month of marriage I made it clear if he EVER hit me, I'd be gone....so he only thtows things, and he only shook our first child..(mother tiger me didn't put up with that very well)..and he has gotten better at controlling his temper over the years. His attitude, voiced 12 years ago, was "if I don't work on my 'issues' who does it hurt?"

I started working on mine with the assumption if I could just be perfect enough I could make it(the marriage) work. As soon as we had children, his desire to be a good dad overwhelmed his desire to be a good husband--his dad has deserted he and his mother, who died of cancer when my second child was 2 months old and we were still incollege. His mom was the eternal optimist who would never complain, always put a sunny face on things, and it killed her. She was a good woman--I wish she could have held out--she once told him "she's so little and fragile. Be careful with her". (my huaband weighs almost a hundred pounds more than me, and he isn't fat) After 26 years, he STILL puts things out of my reach and claims he just 'can't remember' that I can't reach it. sigh.

He hasn't been careful with me. Just the oppostie. He told me the other night(and if I'm repeating myself, I'm sorry--as sleep deprived as I am I cut myself slack for being forgetful) oh, about a week before Christmas, that he WAS sorry, but he would never be able to be considerate, or sensitive, even if he had several lifetimes to work on it. Okay, this man notices the cat crying outside the door instantly--in fact, when I asked, before I realized I was moving downstairs, if the cat could NOT sleep on the bed (it had fleas) his reply was that the cat HAD to be allowed to sleep on the bed, or, he could have it put down.(I think he said he could have it killed, he may have even offered to kill it himself--he was pretty angry) Those were my two choices. And he wasn't pleased when I explained that if he knew me at all, he knew I would never kill the cat because of fleas, and that he (my husband not the cat) was irrational. I think he ripped the shower curtain down and yelled....I can't remember. I stayed calm, and told him if he needed the cat to sleep on the bed, so be it. I've saved the cats life about 3 times--the time I was out of town and couldnt--they spent $200 on the vet.And this is the same husband who said he didn't wasn't sure we could afford me seeing a hypnotherapist for my sleep problem...and what did my doctor think about it?

I give up. I called the unity prayer line last night and they prayed for him and prayed I could to let it go and let God take care of it. I constantly think and worry about him and the children, and even the damn cat, who is injured again (we have two, it's hilariously sad, they mimic an analogy of our marriage, Blacky picks on Patches, but he is also warm and friendly, but gets in lots of fights outside, and Patches is quieter, but doesn't like being petted by my husband--and he always teases and says she is provoking the black cat. It's sad and not really that funny. But Patches holds togehter, keeps mousing, and stands her ground. sigh.

So, I am so SAD. And I was so angry last night, so exhausted physically, emotionally, spirtually, that I was thinking I should run the car into a tree. ThenI was pissed--why hurt ME any more than I've been hurt? And I came home. BEcause with all our money problems, I couldn't bring myself to check into a hotel.

But now they are all at church ("Mom, aren't you coming?") I didn't say anything to his cheery "Good morning". (see, all days start fresh, doesn't matter if the day before the person treats you like crap...and if on friday before christmas he tells you you are full of sh*t, and Christmas eve your grandfather dies and your husband sheds a few tears for the poem you've written, then the fact he swore at you--of course you should know somehow he is sorry for that. He CAN't say the word "I'm sorry". And I say them, used to....too much......I'm sorry....don't be angry...it's all my fault....I can fix everything....

I keep saying I am smart and wonderful and skillful enough that I can MAKE my marriage work--if he would just "wake up" and share himself with me. But he only wants to share his body, none of his soul. And he is toxic. And I can't do it anymore. He loves me, in his disabled way, and I love him. But I can't MAKE this marriage work. See, if I just go back into my depression, THEN he likes me. He likes me as long as I sleep with him....at least in bed he likes me. But respect or be considerate, or even SHARE what is happening in his life? I'm tired of making all the effort, making all the dates (if we go on one, I have to do it all) making all the conversation, doing all the sharing.....and always looking to think if I were just a better person....

when we get in an arguement, which is basically any time we attempt to talk, the first jabs he makes are about my disorganization and how his life is so awful. I don't (haven't) spent money on myself, buy all my clothes at the thrift store (he hears--"I don't make enough money" have only purchased two new pieces of furniture in twentysix years of marriage(bought the rest all used), don't wear makeup,(i'm actually very pretty without it, especially when I sleep) (DO buy books, and now I do buy healthy food and I have bought supplements when I assumed fighting stance to do so, but I'm changing my attitude about them). I am a really special person. I have the gift of poetry....and he told me years ago(11), that he was glad I have time for that, in a sneering voice. I had shared what I felt God had asked me to pursue, to be a poet...I shared it after we had just been intimate....I had a baby that was probably 3 or 4 months old, maybe it was a year, I'd been through some rather grueling events after the birth of my 5th child, his job loss(okay, poor choice of pronoun, the baby didnt have a job, and move, and income cut 40 percent) the rest of the story gets a little intense....but I shared with him, even though he had done some pretty stupid things, and he said that so cruelly. How could he go from making love to the mother of his 5 children, to this sneering, unkind, ugly person?

I don't know. He has since apologized ....but for the last 12 years, a lot of them have been hell for me, and he's been happy, or so he says. What is MY problem? That's his attitude. Oh, and last time I had a break from depression, (a year ago) he only "got one good month" out of me. WHAT? Because I had the sleep problem. And only one month were I was sleeping, cleaning, having sex, and liking it, before I went back into it. He only got one good month. And I went back into hell. And that's his comment? I'm sorry....maybe I'm too hard on him, but it was a pretty telling statement. Probably why he doesn't talk to me....he's afraid I figure out what he is REALLY like inside...eveyone thinks he is a great husband and we have such a wonderful family....

Right now he is just enjoying his daughters home for Christmas....throwing himself into fathering, and giving me space("I just can't control you anymore....if I buy the car will that reduce the stress and help you sleep.." My favorite...since I keep insisting that we communicate...he asks "What was the best partof your day"..sigh......and he is waiting for me to "get back to normal".

Okay, I'm not going back to the Depression thing. It is VERY dangerous. It's death--wheather it's only spiritual....it's death. The suicidal thoughts are horrendouly aggrevating.....it's hell. And if I only get the gray part.....that's hell too. So, the only things I haven't given up are wheat, worry, and him. I guess I'll work on giving up the wheat and the worry.....and I'll try to hold on. It COULD work....

Funny thing....he doesn't know any of this. I share my soul with the cyberworld, and to my counslor, even to you....and all the folks that read this.....and he doesn't even know who I am.

Okay, before I start bawling, I'll stop. It was nice getting it all out....again....I'm not angry, I just hurt physically AND emotionally....and I can't see the answer. I CAN"T leave....and staying is SO hard.....and I'm exhausted. This is the man who loves me, and he's killing me. But I want it to work SO MUCH. And I want my son to have two parents. And when we fight, it tears my 17 year old up, and she says "Mom, fix it. Be nice. Back down". She's learned how to be a victim by my example. crap. big sigh. I only have one daughter who isn't afraid of her dad, and she's the only one he doesn't yell at. What does that say?

Now I'm going to eat, get my boiling water off the stove if it is still there, and see if there is anyplace I can go at no or little cost for a couple of days. My "adult" children can handle everything for a week, and although I homeschool my 11 year old, I can leave a light schedule of work for him. I just don't know where I'll go. So, if you don't hear any more for a while, that is good. If I can't find anywhere to go rest, that is bad. And being depressed for much of the time I've lived here.....I don't have THAT many close friends. So, send a prayer.

peace and joy, somewhere...
my big sis said (I talked to her for an hour in the middle of the night for the first time in 6 or 7 years--she was dealing with her own stuff--but she lives in Hawaii and she was the only person I could think of to call) Keep your chin up. She couldn't talk freely....her son was in the room, and she is divorced from his dad....and separated from her second husband ....but "Keep your chin up".

What does that mean? one last sigh,
then good bye,
I've got to find a place...
choosing this(writing, sharing)
instead of sleep....
that wouldn't come anyway,
so sure, if I could just figure it all out,
it would work out,
but the doubts....oh the doubts...
connecting with someone, anyone....it gets so loney at times...
yet I'm not in Depression hell,
that is well,
and deep down
I can tell
I'll be okay.
Holding it together,
when I need to "just let go and let god"
Never really alone, but so lonely. I'm with you, tiny tim...
god bless us, everyone.
pj