Re:I used to be like yr wife and...

Hope I can give some good insight . I will be as brief as possible. Then you can ask me to go into further detail in the needed areas if you wish.
Basically, yr relationship is a S-M relationship, and you are allowing yr wife to behave the way she does.
On her side, she is extremely insecure and unhappy. She makes herself unhappy by nurturing feelings of unworthiness. The more you act kind and fair to her, the more she (subconsciously) feels that she does not deserve that, and she behaves nasty b/c she is just trying to drive you to the point where you would beat and batter her. She craves her punishment. Of course she is not aware of that - Just as you aren't.

I used to have the same problem although my relationship was shorter than yours and it didn't have the time to bring up many issues thaT you're now facing, and the man I was with was much weaker and mentally ill himself, but my behavior was similar and I can recognize each every issue you mention.
When I finally broke with that man, I went through 3 years of anorexia and confusion, then met the man who actually is my hsb (and it is a very happy marriage) , and he made me change. How did he? By SPEAKING THE WHOLE TRUTH constantly, not letting me tell lies on ANY MATTER, getting extremely, sincerely ANGRY with me when I treated him like crap, saying he was about to leave me - which was plain truth to him at that moment. He shouted out loud his anger at me, making me see my childish and selfish behavior just as if I was inside his shoes, making me feel actually aware and ashamed of myself . This is important b/c the shame and guilt feelings that she has all about herself need to concentrate on a smaller area first, and then the area is corrected, and the feelings are released. This area must coincide with the real problems she has. You must be extremely intolerant to heal her, point out the problems in a very tough snd clear way, saying that these issues spoil her beautiful self and turn her into a bitch.

In my experience I could finally understand how through my behavior I was unconsciously looking for someone to get angry with me and help me release that grief.

Your wife is not willing to change now just b/c she is suffering a lot and she is not aware of having a problem. She is lost in confusion and craves your strong reaction. Messy house, is a sign of her mental illness. When you help her with household, you are not helping her at all, and deep inside herself I am pretty sure she hates and despises this "help" which reminds her of her insufficiency. As she gets better, you will be able to tell her improvements by the way the house looks.
There is also an issue related to her sexual identity there. She needs to find her womanliness. To help her you must avoid to sweep the floor and such things. You must play a bit more "macho". She needs to feel that these things are up to her. Better have messy and dirty house, but don't do that yourself - you increase her confusion. Blame mess on her. Give her full responsability. She needs to grow. She is asking your help to grow adultlike she didn't yet!

Does she cook at all? I don't remember if you did mention that. One of the first signs of improvmnt will be her willing to use the oven. It has quite a symbolic meaning . When this time comes, you should be very careful and watch out, b/c she might slip into eating desorders.

I could go on writing for hours, tell me if you need some advice,I think I can really help you. Email me if you wish.