Re: you are clearly not the problem

28811,

I first thought you were a man (not saying this in a disrespectful way at all)!
It helps a great deal to get a woman's perspective here - especially someone like you. And a few of you, have been really helpfull with sharing your experiences and above all - showing that it IS possible to want to change, and finally - change! That's also what I've been believing all these years, but she's proven me wrong... the essential ingredient obviously being - where does the will to change come from. Few women who answered here, all changed because they initiated the change, not because their husbands asked them to. That seems to be the night/day difference.

What is making this whole thing even worse for me is that divorce would, I am afraid, mean our baby would be less happy. I LOVE my child, probably the way that a lot of mothers wish their husbands love their kids. And I have a hard time imagining that she would grow up with one parent only. OTOH, if you are saying that you wished your parents would divorce, then that does say a lot - a good divorce is better then a lousy marriage.

One thing about her is that she is pretty good with children. She even worked with them and she was their absolute favorite. She only had one slip when she criticized a child and told me later how she felt terrible after that. It was probably the only time she slipped like that. However, I don't work with her, so maybe she's not aware of her other problems. But, at least I do know she was their favorite.

Even if I start a divorce soon, it would last long enough to know how she is with our child. The only problem is I have no clue how she would react if I was to get a lawyer and start the procedure. I won't rush into this, but I admit that this has been on my mind for a long time now.

I imagine that she would go angry like never before, probably storm out of the house or something like that, then not talk to me for a while, then a week or two later she would probably break down in tears and tell me that she always wanted to appologize and that she knows that she's been bad to me , and that she will do whatever it takes to correct the problem... I think once or twice that I got really angry and was pretty much ready to leave, she reacted in similar fashion. Since there was no real change, why would she change this time?

I hate to think that I am one of those husbands who is "trying to change his wife". This is another reason why I am writing here - you don't know me therefore you won't spare me if you see that I am screwing up. But, is making a demand to be treated with respect the same as "trying to change your partner"? I mean, it's not like I expect her to start loving the same food I love, or listening to same music I listen to...

In any case, I appreciate your response, it means a lot, and above all - shows that change is possible. If one wants to change that is.