Re: husband is not interested in being intimate - Julybug

Hi, Julybug,

I like that you wrote...

"... 1 1/2 years ago I was ready to call it quits. He knew I wasn't crying wolf. He had taken my name off our banking accounts--I was at our daughter's house helping with a brand new baby- out of state- and took out money for food. He had constantly been taking out hundreds and hundreds of dollars every month and couldn't account for any of it!"


'Taking your name off bank accounts' is illegal without your consent.

...Time for a divorce lawyer, in my book...or do it yourself.


Discovering all the in's and out's of his transgressions is only an exercise in self-discipline...how much disappointment can you take?

You already know there is nothing for you in that marriage, and you have known that for years.


If you were the only one working, that was YOUR money invested in the marriage and the care and upbinging of the children...period.


There is no need to go further, into the details of his infidelities, where and why he disposed of your money, or into personal or marriage counseling, I believe.


There are organizations that counsel people seeking divorce information, at little or no cost to you.

I suggest you find them. ...And ask for a lawyer who won't charge you the moon for dragging out a divorce on emotional and psychological issues.


As for your pain and suffering all these years, you have gained valuable insight into how such a person operates...and what would be better, best.

(It is a pity our society doesn't tell us what sexuality really is, in time. p 0 r nographers don't even know.)


Certainly you will be able to help others, someday, with your understanding and insight. But NOT yet...you have some recovery time coming, first.


Even though you have imagined exactly how a divorce may be, only experiencing it will teach you how it really IS, for you.


This man has had his hooks into you for a long, long time.

You have already done everything you possibly can to relieve and rectify the situation fairly. In fact, you have bent over backwards to be thoroughly fair and 'good'.


I did the same thing, and had my name taken off the bank accounts, too...without my knowledge. All the other details only serve to drag out the divorce proceedings...painfully, and expensively.


A turning point in my three-year divorce was when I realized that EVERYONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN FEELINGS. ...That's what it means to be an adult. (Children are exempt from responsibility, of course. That's what it means to be a child.)

I wasn't responsible for my ex's feelings, nor whatever caused them.


The other thing I learned that helped enormously was that it is best, for everyone concerned, to move swiftly, once the decision is made...saves a pile of emotional turmoil for everyone.


I'm proud of you for moving away from your husband for a while.

...And, for recognizing that the marriage was/is broken. Some people never see that.


Now, what you need is support. Ask a friend or two if you may cry on their shoulders, without any advice or suggestions or questions, for no more than 15 minutes at a time...until you no longer need to.

They can, however, applaud your rants, "Oh yes, that was a good one!"

You need the emotional outlets...to resolve feelings as they arise. The time limit, and not doing it too often, and probably not giving too many details, saves YOU unnecessary, draining, complications.

You'll know the exercise is working when these sessions crumble into laughter. Laughter proves that healing is taking place.


Also ask if your friends will accompany you to any appointments you dread. Asking for these kinds of supports from your friends, beforehand, gives them the right to decline anything they are not comfortable with...the fairest type of friendship.


Be sure to return the favor, after your year is up...and if a friend needs the service.



The worst is over, Julybug. You've already done everything you could have done...and been wonderfully strong and logical all the while...including trying to 'forget', not care.

Bravo!


Now is the time to repair you!


It will take at least a year to get yourself back on your feet, emotionally.

Recognize that this year will be 'crazy time' in your feelings. Make no other plans than to have support from friends and family.


You will come through 'crazy time' with flying colors!

You already have...only one more year to go.


Then, the world is your oyster!


After that, YOU decide what to tell others about your 'past'. Adults NEVER 'have to' explain. They may, but they don't 'have to'.


Besides, no one wants a new partner who demands details.


You may WANT to tell, when you are both in rocking chairs, or otherwise comfortable with each other, but it is YOUR choice.


Meanwhile, never complain, never explain. The past belongs to the past. Only today counts.


I think you are doing beautifully, sincerely.

Go, girl!!!











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