Re: Where is your marriage contract? What does it say about sex?

I just want to tell you---you're not alone. The media has us all believing that the average married couple has sex twice a week. So when we don't measure up to that standard, we are made to feel that there is something wrong with us.

My husband has never had a strong sex drive to begin with. Now---after 30 years of marriage, he has hypertension, type 2 diabetes and an enlarged prostate---so no sex. He can't take the little blue pill either due to his health issues. Yet, when I think of my future and imagine what it will be like, I always imagine him by my side.

We do hug and kiss quite a bit and every night he gives me a back rub. I think that too many people give up on their marriages when one partner has low (or no) sex drive. To me, that's like throwing out the baby with the bath water. It sounds like your husband is a good father and a good provider. I assume he also does his share of housework?

I always think we should ask ourselves this question---if you take away the sex altoghter, what's left? If there's nothing (he's not a good provider, not a good father, you have no other common interests, etc.), then it's time to move on.

Some couples have great sex but a lousy marriage otherwise. Is it worth staying when there's nothing but the sex? For example, before I met my husband, I met a guy that was physically attractive. We went out a few times--never went all the way but went far enough to know that he knew just how to hit the right spots--if you know what I mean. However, he was an alcoholic and a womanizer who couldn't stay true to one woman. One day I was daydreaming and thought about what a future with him would be like. In my daydream, I imagined myself getting to the point where I had enough and left him. As I mentioned before, I don't feel that way about my husband.

For those who have tried to lay the blame on you---please don't listen to any of them. I know a married couple who aren't the greatest looking people. She is short, dumpy and prematurely gray. He used to be in the military but once he retired, he gained lots of weight. Yet she once told me that they had sex every night. It seemed he wanted it no matter what---even if she was sick or had her period! So, you see, looks alone don't equate with desire.

I don't generally discuss sex with friends and relatives but on the few occasions it has come up, I have been surprised to find that many of them admit to having sex rarely. So, really, you're not alone!

Years ago, the health section of my local newspaper (this was before the little blue pill) had an article about penile implants and what it cost. The article featured a couple who was seriously considering the operation for the husband. However, in the end, they decided to use the money to remodel the kitchen!

I think it's encouraging that your husband is willing to go to counseling with you. It's also good that he went for a medical check-up to see if he had any health issues that could be causing the problem.

In the meantime, see if you can get him to hug and kiss more frequently. Also, see if he will give you a back rub. Ask for these things without asking for sex. Hugging, kissing, back rubs are a form of intimacy. Who knows? Without the pressure to perform, he may well relax but don't be surprised if he still doesn't want sex. Sometimes, when people want sex, it isn't the act itself that they particularly crave but rather the intimacy.

You're doing everything right. Please don't think otherwise. However, once again, see if he is willing to get intimate without actually having sex. Is it a perfect solution? No, but touching one another does convey so much. I wish you all the best! Tweet