husband is not interested in being intimate

I have been married for 17 years and with my husband for a total of 20. We started dating when I was 17 and he 20. We have two young children. To make this easier I will call him Mike.


Mike and I have are having some intimacy problems. Basically our bedroom life is pretty much nonexistent. We are going through soem pretty rough financial times like half the country is. We both have secure jobs but due to some carless spending on his part our monthly debt is higher then our incomes. We argue often about it.

Whenver we argue he is completely turned off from me, actually despising me. Now we are not having plates-thrown-across- the-room fights, just frustration about what we are going to do. We have worked out a plan but other financial things come up.

I had a long talk with him tonight about why he is so cold to me. He makes no effort to be intimate unless I start it. 99% of any time we are it is ME and it is not just a kiss. I have to be more aggressive and let my fingers do the walking if you know what I mean. THEN he will concede and get into it. And then it is pretty quick. No romance, no real playfulness. I am not a prude either. I am open to new ideas. I've tried "toys" nighties, videos..... I try different things. It certainly is not from me or a lack of trying to add spice to a 20 year relationship.


Of course I have asked him time and time again if he is not attracted to me, which he says he is and says I am a beautiful woman ( words or sincerity I will never know). I have put on a few pounds since kids but I do take care of myself and will dress up. I am not sitting around looking like a slob. I have accused him of havinng an affair which he adamently denies and says all he has time for is work and the kids. I do basically know his whereabouts all the time and honestly he has no cash or credit cards to be spending on a girl.

I know this is generalizing, but every married woman I talk to and sex comes up says how her husband is always over her where she can not take it. Then men have said they want it all the time. They do not care if their wife is a b*tch or not, they still want it. It seems like he and I are reversed.

He told me tonight that when we argue or he has a bad day he is completely turned off and has no drive. He has been like this for years and always blames something. First it was the job.. then he got a much better job. Then it was the kids.... Now it is the money issues. I told him there will always be something that is stressful or disliking, but why does it affect our sex life? He just says he has no drive, no internal "horniness" ( for a lack of better word). He rarely thinks about it and admittted that if I decided to close shop it would not affect him either way.


I confided in a friend about this and she told her husband who responded to her that Mike is "nut for not wanting to bang his wife is she was willing to put out all the time. And that Mike is one lucky SOB to even get it!" Graphic but you get the picture.
I have asked him to get checked at the dr to see if maybe he has a hormonal I have asked if he is gay which he says no. He said he has the drive of an 85 year old man. It is just is not a priority to him.

i love him dearly and want our family to stay intact but I am so depressed on this, so lost. I want to feel loved and I reach out to him to be constantly rejected. JUst the other day he came home and I walked up to him from behind. He said a plain "hi". I put my arms around him and in his pants and well....

He just," that is nice", patted my hand and walked away.



I have told him that I am so frustrated at times that I think of having an affair just to get the attention. He says, "that would be sad but I don't blame you. But I would not be jealous or anything."

So at night I do have fantasies but they are always with him! I actually just dream about being with him alone in front of the fireplace, on the beach.. I ask for him for us to get away or be alone ( we have plenty of people to take the kids) but he is not interested.

But he watches p 0 r n sometimes too. That hurts as he could get it from me. I think in only 20 years I have only turned him down once and that was due to being sick. I never say I am tired since I take what I can get.


To me Mike just does not like me anymore. He is tired of me. I don't think he wants to be married anymore and when I ask him he says "what else would I do? We can't sell the house due to the market.... and then I would not do that to the kids." All good reasons but not any of " I love you. I want to be with you!" He does say he loves me when he hangs up the phone and I know he cares deeply for me and would do anything for me... he just is not interested in having sex with me anymore.....






























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