Re: husband is not interested in being intimate

I read your letter with interest--- it could have been written by me(but wasn't)! I was actually surfing the net to find out more information and that is when I came across your letter. I have been married for 21 years to "John" and I think he and Mike might be brothers. Our intimacy started becoming a problem about 4 years into the marriage. He had been laid off from his job, went back to college full-time and I worked so he could do well in school--he told me he could not go to school and work, so I worked various jobs- we had a combined family of 5 children! The years went on and things continued the same- me being the one to initiate sex and being rejected over and over. I am often told by others that I am very pretty and I know that other guys turn their heads. I also have a happy personality and I am always told that my smile lights up the room. Does John ever compliment me--never. I never hear--your hair looks nice, you look pretty, you smell good---not a single compliment. I have also put on a few extra pounds, but even when I was skinny the same problem existed. Oh well..... 1 1/2 years ago I was ready to call it quits. He knew I wasn't crying wolf. He had taken my name off our banking accounts--I was at our daughter's house helping with a brand new baby- out of state- and took out money for food. He had constantly been taking out hundreds and hundreds of dollars every month and couldn't account for any of it!
That is when I told him we either go to counseling or get divorced. Many times he had told me "we have nothing in common" "I love you but I am not "in" love with you" and I am the one who kept things together. I had prayed and prayed about this, and the Lord definately told me I was to stay in the marriage, so I did. And he knew that I was strong in this area. He was never willing to go to counseling until I told him either we do or we get divored and he knew I was serious. I think he felt he could do and act towards me any way he wanted, because I was always going to take his crap. Then he found out he had finally crossed the line. I made the appt. with the counseler, gave him the date and then I flew back home unannounced. I came home a week before the appt. I did that so I could see "what" was going on in our home. I need to tell you that all our children are adults and none were even living in the same state as us by then--he moved me to his home state 2 years before this happened. Lets see, what did I find--- he had been doing a lot of stuff on the internet-- p 0 r n, erotic chat, finding women to give him massages--(thanks to craigslist) I even found out what his made up screen names were and an apology that he sent to one of the massage therapists because he ejaculated all over her table. I found an empty package of condoms, etc etc. Hence the reason he didn't want me to have access to the money--he was spending it where he shouldn't have. This is the man that I had trusted and worked my rear off for. Boy was he surprised to see me when he came home from work. I wasn't sure I wanted to fix the relationship and it scared him. We went to counseling and it did help. We did the "John Gottman" relationship series. My husband told me that he had been holding a grudge against me, 6 months into our marriage and that he didn't know how to "kiss and make up"--hence that was one reason he wasn't interested in having sex with me! And he is the one who would always say "I don't hold grudges". I also found out about him taking women from college out to bars, kissing other women, losing his wedding ring because he didn't want them to know he was married (let alone had 5 children at home!), visiting strip joints, looking at p 0 r n on the internet--for years and years- signing up for websites such as "Married Secrets" "Singles" playing with yourself, spanking the monkey---etc etc. Do I need to say more? And I have realized the great extent of his lying to me. Even after he got his degree and started working, he was taking women he worked with out to lunch or to golf--all behind my back. I found out so much stuff that I never knew, that it made my head dizzy. I felt stupid and sometimes still do for not knowing this stuff was going on and for trusting him. I don't know "when" IF "ever" I will trust him again. Our relationship on a whole is much better, #1--because of the John Gottman marital help and #2--because I try not to care anymore. I treat him kindly, and try to just think of him as a friend. The rejection in bed is difficult, because I am very sexual, so I try not to think about it. He has relapsed with the p 0 r n and I know that he has an addiction to it and this plays a huge part in our no intimacy problem. I am sure that he is playing with yourself, spanking the monkey in the shower. Even on week-ends there is no cuddling--he is up early and in the shower. I don't bring it up because he gets mad. If I try to talk to him he says "this is a fine time to bring it up" whether it is a.m. afternoon or night. I give up. I take care of him as far as cooking his breakfast, making his lunch, cleaning the house, playing scrabble and cards with him, and on the rare occassion when he wants to have sex, I am always consenting. The counselor we saw was immediately aware that he was involved in p 0 r n. That made me feel stupid that someone else could tell right off the bat and I had no clue. In fact, I had a counselor that I started going to by myself for help with the situation-before he and I went together, my bishop, my friend, all of them asked me if he was involved with p 0 r n o g r a p h y. I was so certain that he wasn't, that I would have laid down my life. Boy, was I ever wrong. I would bet my last dollar that your husband is involved in some sort of p 0 r n. My husband can't look at it at work- he would get fired-- but he can sure be involved with the erotic chat there, and then goes into the bathroom and jacks off. Even when he was participating in marriage counseling and saying he wanted us to work out our problems, he was still involved with the erotic chat!! It's a terrible addiction and anyone that says it doesn't hurt anyone and nothing is wrong with it--whether it is soft core, hard core, self-gratification, is wrong. It hurts the person doing it and it hurts the spouse. It is an evil that is destroying families. It is amazing to me how many stories I have read from wifes or girlfriends about this same subject--he isn't interested in being intimate with me. That right there tells you it is a problem. I know there will be responses to the negative about what I have said, and I expect that. I hope your husband will be honest enough to admit he is involved in these behaviors. Maybe he will desire to get some help before he looses everything that is important in life.
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