Re: Is it right to disclose?

Well I'll tell you, you've got it backwards about who's dealing with what.  I ignored your post about being in "over your head" with a client - just shook my head that a counselor would come to curezone for advice about that.  You - if you are licensed, obviously have your own support network or you wouldn't be counseling.  If you can't get your answers through your network, I guarantee you that curezone is not an alternative.  Then, you post about "Is it right to disclose" and I shook my head again for the same reason - but didn't answer - until - I saw your post on Men Raped.  That's when I got burned up and if you don't think that anger is a correct reaction to someone like yourself, you don't know what's going on anywhere.  Here's what you said over there:

"7 years, 70 years...when it comes to a violation like this....time seems to stand still. There are times I still feel the burn and pain. The feeling of degradation, hurt, humiliation. But I do have to disagree with needing to forgive......."

That really got to me.  This is the remark of a professional counselor whose clientele have been sexually abused????  You still feel the burn and the pain?  I have no problem with that statement from someone who has been abused.  That’s pretty normal for most anyone.  But at the same time it is obviously a statement by someone who has not yet recovered from their abuse – and that’s no problem for me either, until I recognize that the person who has not yet recovered is now out counseling others with similar difficulties.  And now you wish to share your details with a client?  No way!  Not at this point.  You want to share your pain with you client because your haven't yet resolved your own.  Guess what?  You are going to continue to get more and more clients with that type of abuse until you let go of the pain from your own abuse - and then you will really have something.

Then you made another remark on the Men Raped forum that says “But I do have to disagree with needing to forgive. I thought that cliche went out in the 80's……<snip> …To me, apathy is the best way to let go. Not some forced need to forgive. I will leave that to God, the Buddha, or whatever else is the final judge.”  I agree that from a counseling point of view there is but one purpose and that is to address the needs of the client.  I believe that is the goal of the client, for the one who has been abused - address your own issues first and then see what happens.  My own experience has been that as I addressed my issues there within me arose a need to forgive my abuser.  Until I did, I wasn't at peace with myself regarding this issue, and being at piece with myself is what life is all about.

Several years ago I had the good fortune to take a three day seminar at Esalen with an eminent psychologist, one Edith Eva Eger, a sexual abuse therapist.  Her own story is one of the most amazing that you will ever find.  She was arrested in Hungary along with her sister and mother and father and taken to Auschwitz , at age thirteen.  Even at this age Edith was a gifted dancer with a promising career ahead of her.  On her first day in camp she was asked to dance at dinner for Dr. Josef Mengele, the famous “doctor death” of the Nazi concentration camps who had personally greeted her and her sister at the train, earlier in the day.  As requested she danced, even knowing as she did that her mother and father had gone up in smoke in the afternoon before dinner.  While at Auschwitz Edith stole a loaf of bread from a bakery to take back to share with her sister and as she was climbing back over the fence from the bakery was caught by a Nazi guard.  The guard commended Edith for her fortitude and then hit her in the back as hard as he could with the butt of his rifle.  That crippled Edith for life, so brutally that she would never dance again.  She spent several months in Auschwitz before being transferred to another camp and was finally found in a pile of bodies by an American G. I.

You can find Edith’s story here: http://www.dredie.com/history.html and she is still practicing in the San Diego/La Jolla area.

The seminar I took from Eddie was on Forgiveness.  This woman learned in her healing process that she had to forgive everyone.  She said that she wished she could find that soldier that hit her and thank him.  Thank him for what?  She said “..because he was supposed to have killed me.”  She also said that she had to forgive Hitler.  She said that it took a long time and a lot of work to get there, but that was her only path to happiness.  Edith now does speeches and seminars to all sorts of groups and her message always is one of love and forgiveness.  This woman knows how and spreads it around.

Spraque with a statement like: "There are times I still feel the burn and pain. The feeling of degradation, hurt, humiliation. But I do have to disagree with needing to forgive......." you still have burn, humiliation, pain, and all that goes along with it that needs to still be worked on.  There is nothing wrong with that at all.  However, until you neutralize it and the burn and pain and degradation are virtually eliminated, I seriously doubt your ability to provide proper support for those who have gone through similar experiences. 

I have no idea what you mean about reading a book on counseling - I've read loads of them about the sexual abuse of male children by adults, but where I'm coming from is not what I got out of a book, it's what I've learned from my own self healing process.  When the PTSD from sexual abuse as an infant hit me, I moved furniture and a computer into my bedroom and only came out to eat, shop for groceries, and counsel - for a period of six months.  I've been through the terror, the 15 to 20 minutes of sleep awakened by the most horrible nightmares one can image, but I got through it, without medication even though I was suicidal and they tried to force me to take it.  So I've walked the walk.  It was not easy, but I know the route, and I've done a load of forgiveness.  I eventually became a volunteer counselor for others who were dealing with significant life issues.  What brought on the PTSD was but one of my childhood abuse experiences, and by far my most terrifying, so it wasn't a one item agenda, there were many items.  Added to that I have endured the thick of combat as well as an air disaster in which a friend was killed and I survived, but the PTSD and sexual abuse was by far the most terrifying experience of my life.

If you seem to think that a little anger means that I haven't worked through my "issues" - you're sadly mistaken.  I can get angry because I've worked through my issues.  If you aren't in touch with your feelings you are out of touch with reality and your statement about apathy is a good indication that you are not in touch with your true feelings.  Anger is a fantastic healing energy when appropriately used.

Thanks for indicating that you had the good sense to ask your client to move to someone else, because it's my opinion that what you should still have her do.