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struggle 19 y
Today is really hard.
For some reason, today is so hard. I left my credit card and cash at home so that I wouldn’t be able to go buy anything, and I think I may very well have already done so if I hadn’t. I just want curly fries and a shake... Soooo badly. IT’S KILLING ME. IT’S TORTURE. Will this craving go away if I make it through this phase? A part of me just wants to sneak out of the office, go home, get money, and walk and much back to the office, bringing ”lunch.” ... but no!!! Tomorrow is the day that someone will be bringing breakfast to the office, so that won’t be easy if I’m having these kinds of cra ... read more compromise 19 y
is a virtue I need to cultivate
I had the hardest time today. I was feeling so weak in the morning that I had a small piece of cheese (little low carb snack, I thought.) Then, the rest of the day I was battling with the temptation to go get fast food and pizza and sweets...
The real art to maintaining weight and a healthy life is the art of compromise and looking beyond slight deviations from plan... and moving on according to plan or as best as possible. Extremes and being dogmatic are what end up being my downfall.
I did make it through. Had only one small, little snack. But I was feeling so weak and bad today. It wa ... read more Pulled in all directions... 19 y
... going to start eating again soon, and worried about it.
On the one hand, I’m feeling very skinny, and like that gives me permission to have a lot of cheat foods, but of course that would be very, very bad. On the other hand, I feel like I’m so close right now to being able to start eating, and I’m so excited about the foods I’ll be able to start eating... For example, I want to make soup from veggie broth and cauliflower, puree, then add braised mushrooms (no oil in this process yet, although I’d normally sautee and add some cream when on low carb, but that might be a bit hard to digest right now...). And then this new idea I’ve had that I’m SO ... read more A little longer... 19 y
...regardless of what they say
Okay, I realize I sound like I may have a problem with distorted vision, but I do still want to slim down my thighs a little. I got so many comments this weekend about how I’ve gotten a lot skinnier. My fiance says I should stop losing weight now... It sounds so tempting. The good thing is that I’m not thinking about gorging on pizza but am thinking about the good things I’ll eat when I go back to eating. I’m thinking about having little stacks of cucumber with avocado, and cauliflower puree soup with mushrooms... hmmm.
It’s going fast now though, so it shouldn’t take much longer. I haven ... read more Not so happy now 19 y
Looking forward to the end.
Honestly, I’m not feeling so happy right now. Sticking to a long-term fast is hard work. Recovering from cheats (three of them) is hard work. And while I’m not losing weight to appeal to or please others, it would be nice to have a little recognition. My fiance has been fairly supportive, but this weekend he has been complaining that I should stop fasting and that I’ve lost enough. Even before that, he’s never said that I look good, just confirmed that I have in fact lost weight. I guess part of it is that I have recently moved and so I don’t know people very well. They may not have notice ... read more "You're so skinny"... 19 y
I appreciate it, but it's not a helpful thing for me to hear right now.
So, my fiance now is saying that I’m skinny enough and should stop losing weight. He’s been telling me that all day now. I do look pretty slender in the outfit I’m wearing, and were it not for those few problem areas that remain, I’d agree. My upper body is fine. I wouldn’t mind a little more collar bone, but I don’t like the bony upper body look. I also wouldn’t mind a little more cheek bones in my face. In pants, my thighs and butt look okay, but while I’m at it, while I’m losing weight, I want to get to where I’m happy with every part of my body, where I feel like I can wear anything wi ... read more People's reaction to my weight loss 19 y
Pregnant silence, staring.
I tried to google this topic and find other people’s thoughts on this and discovered that others have it a lot worse. Other people have nosy coworkers who want to know the details of how much they’ve lost, how they lost it, how much more they want to lose, and then freely give their advice and opinions on whether or not such course of action is advisable.
I work in a very corporate environment where most people find it not appropriate to comment on my weight loss. I guess I’ve lost about 30 pounds now, so it is significant. One girl remarked that she hardly recognized me, that she thinks ... read more Dreams 19 y
of chocolate cake
I woke up this morning from a dream where I was just taking a slice of frosted chocolate cake and deciding that since I had that, I could now have that pizza from Pizza Hut that is one of my weaknesses. It’s so disconcerting to wake up to that.
I felt a lot better though when I then weighed myself and the scale told me 112. I am very dubious about that figure and wonder what brought that about... I have not had that kind of drop for ages and ages... and ages. We’ll see if it stays that low. I was prepared to edge down, fluctuating up and down, excruciatingly slowly towards 110, losing aro ... read more First week is hardest 19 y
It will get easier...
I just have to stick with it. stick with it. stick with it.
It’s a much better feeling waking up in the morning knowing that I am still on track.
If I want to phantasize about food, I need to think of all the tasty foods I can eat after I wean myself off the fast for good. Oh my goodness, low carb sounds so luxurious now. Tasty grilled chicken breast with salad, grilled sausages, deviled eggs, crustless quiche, little roll-ups of ham with braised mushrooms, pureed celery soup, wedges of cheese.... mmmmmmmm heaven.
Work towards that, girl. Don’t ruin it.
Also, my mood is a bit better to ... read more This is scary. 19 y
... can't slide ...
I don’t want to spiral into some pattern of restricting and binging. That would be worse than the pattern of fairly regular eating with occasional overindulging. I don’t want to just go to a bigger amplitude of that. I want smaller variations in good and bad days of eating. I want regular eating with sometimes a little indulging that I don’t have to feel bad about. ::: sigh :::
Not looking forward to going back to my fiances house for Wednesday night, Friday, and Saturday, being around food. I can get out of eating Thanksgiving dinner, but the late nights when others are sleeping and know ... read more I'm back. 19 y
... struggling, but back.
i crashed and had all the foods that i had been craving. i think that my weight went up quite a bit... i had not been weighing myself for a while. now i did weigh myself and i only lost about 9 pounds in A MONTH. fasting on water only and cheating badly twice. well that’s still progress. i still have lost a lot of body fat percentage. when i started this fasting thing i was 140 pounds and just over 30% body fat. now i’m 116 and 11% body fat which is quite low. i still want to bring the weight down. i still feel my legs and but are way chunkier than i would like them to be. fasting has been ... read more 47 more days... this is tricky again all over 19 y
... but i can do it.
i have to make a decision: do i want to go off the fast, in which case i should do it properly, with the broth and soup and so on, or do i want to lose the rest of the weight i feel i would look better without? i can’t get into a phase where i am alternating between fasting and cheating. fasting almost a month and then cheating for a day, i suppose, is not too bad, but that’s got to be it. i have decided that i want to continue on the fast.
the hard thing is that now that i cheated last time, it seems so close, so much like a real option to just stop at one of the various places on my w ... read more I'm back... 48 more days. 19 y
Counting down now. No more counting up.
Initially, I was planning not to post for a while and not read the fasting boards because focusing on it wasn’t really helping making the time go by. The way it ended though was that on the Friday morning I got lured into the Friday office breakfast and wanted to just have a lick of cream cheese, ended up having little pieces of bagles, ended up eating a bunch of junk on Friday. I even had my fiance not come over that night because I wanted to eat in peace and didn’t want him to notice that I had broken my fast. Every weekend he says that ”okay, it’s enough, you can start eating now,” but ... read more Day 25--Cravings 19 y
have to be patient.
I have so many cravings these last few days. I don’t really know how to rationalize them... I just basically can’t have it now. That’s my thought. And, I can have some of the things or similar things later. (Still thinking about how I’ll work in cheat days.) So, yeah, maybe I should think to myself: ~*~L~*~A~*~T~*~E~*~R~*~ Deep breath. Don’t feel bad for wanting things, but just don’t crash off the fast, because it would be painful, bad, and very deliterious. I have to preserve this stretch because I want to weigh myself on the 22nd and I want to have a representative sample. I’ve also dec ... read more Day 24--Compliments and food thoughts 19 y
Good and bad
I got two indirect compliments at work today. First the librarian this morning complimented me on my sweater, in response to which I complimented her on hers. She then said we could trade except that she said I ”must be about 14 sizes smaller.” I would never have thought of her as a large lady, actually just a very nice-looking one. She would not have struck me as fat or thin, either way.
Then later, my assistant came by my office and when I came around my desk to give her something she remarked that she had never noticed how ”petite” was, gesturing to mimick a slim LOWER body (my pet p ... read more Day 23--Saturday--Photo Day 19 y
Yuck.
So, it’s Saturday again, which means that I put on my modest undies and take pics of my lower body, front, side, and back, with my cell phone camera. I hate these pictures. I guess if I look hard I can see some progress, not so much from week to week but comparing week 1 and 2 to weeks 3 and 4, and I guess that is how it goes. I think even though this is not a terribly uplifting exercise, it does keep reminding me that I still have a ways to go, and reminds me that with my relatively short legs (wow, that sounds attractive), I do just have to keep it very slim on my lower body in order to ... read more Broth 19 y
Comfort
Amazing, how much comfort 5 calories of broth can bring me. Dissolved in a huge hot cup of water... Hmmm. Two of those. I don’t care that this doesn’t fit into a strict water fast. I need some comfort. I was hit by a car today. I’m all bruised. I’m getting a cold. I’m lying in bed miserable.
It is giving me the runs though. That’s not so good since it hurts like hell to get out of bed. Urgh. But it does help me flush out stuff that way, I guess. And it helps get some fluid in me. I’ve been having a hard time drinking enough water again lately.
Everything still hurts. I’ll just rest n ... read more Okay, so staying in bed and resting is comfort enough, I guess 19 y
Recuperating...
Ugh, the entire right side of my body is in pain. PAIN. Ouch. Bruises. Swelling. Throbbing. Pain whenever I have to move. Hoping this all goes back down to normal by Monday so that I can go back to my life. Much as I do enjoy staying in bed and watching sit-coms and Simpsons.
So, I guess comfort does not mean eating cheaty food and then feeling guilty and crappy afterwards. It would be one thing if it were included in my dietary regimen, i.e. if I can figure out some kind of plan where it’s okay to one day a week to have pizza and ice cream, then recover... But that’s not now. So, now.. ... read more Day 21--Ouch 19 y
Want some sympathy in the form of food...? No.
Ouch. I really hurt myself. No details necessary, but I will be pretty bruised and my hip and knee really hurt. Small bump on my head too. I feel like being sympathetic to myself and just having cheaty food, but... it wouldn’t feel good or taste good now. In fact, it would probably make me have to get up to go to the bathroom, and that would be painful. Plus, it’s still just not worth it. I am in pain, but having to invest another week in fasting, just to make up for a day of indulgence, it’s not worth it.
OUCH.
I’m in pain.
It’s really a blessing that I can’t cheat with impunity like s ... read more |