God told me everything but I didn't realize it til now 6 y
Prophetic vision before all this happened telling me everything I would go through and become.
Iíve been healing in leaps and bounds over these past few months. Itís amazing to me how my mind and in turn life is changing. I never thought it was possible but God did.
When I was 18 yrs old before any of this started God gave me a vision. I was in my room contimplating suicide when I got this flash. I literally saw this scene unfold before me. This was the second and last time I had a vision.
In the vision I saw a girl and boy. The boy was wearing a royal blue cap and gown and the girl had on a flower dress. They were both looking at me smiling. Then I walked down this long wind ... read more
Not only is God strong enough but he's there with me 6 y
My visit to the therapist. God came through.
I went to therapy last month and was terrified to go because the devil fed all these lies into my head about how he was going to make me smell horrible and everyone was going to react. I actually wanted to cancel but there was this part of me that thought what if good happens? What would it look like?
I thought about it for only a second because I was convinced bad would happen. The only thing I could think of is my mom wouldnít react when we were in the car. So we left and I asked her to open the sun roof but she said no.
We were driving and 10 min past then 15. Finally we got ther ... read more
God is working in amazing ways 7 y
God showed me the end from the beginning.
So many things happened over this past week or so it amazes even me. When I first got sick and went into the hospital God showed me a glimpse of who I would become. He said I would have butt length hair, would be around a size 14/16. I didnít think much of it because I was really sick during that time.
I forgot about it and went on with life but then a little while ago my mom said she had a dream about me. In it I was totally well. I was like I was before. I was getting ready to go out with her and we were both in the bathroom. I said mommy look at my hair and it reached my butt. I was ... read more
It feels so good 7 y
God's presence is surrounding me
Godís presence feels so good. After being without him for so long I now feel him and itís amazing. In his presence I lack nothing. I could be homeless and be with him and feel whole. He feels like home. You donít miss something until itís gone and boy have I missed him. I donít even need anything from him. Just more and more of him. He means everything to me. Iím so in awe of him. You canít beat the presence of GOd. I never thought it would feel this good. visit the page
God has been working a miracle in me 7 y
God is creating a miracle in my life
Over the past month and 2 days Iíve come farther than I have in a year. I had such a cloud of darkness over me but it is being lifted and I am starting to see God is so much stronger than the devil. I kept running away from the devil but on the 13th of March he showed himself to me and I decided I wasnít going to run away. Thatís when life as I know it changed.
Later that day God spoke to my spirit and told me all the beautiful things he had planned for my life. That I was meant to live beyond this and see greater days. That he would heal me from my infirmities, insecurities, doubts, a ... read more
I need to stop going on body odor forums 7 y
Schizophrenic delusions...I don't know if they're real or not.
When I go on these body odor forums and hear peoples stories I think thatís going to happen to me. I think Iím going to be out and someone will make a comment or react in some way that will embarass me. It never happens but thatís what the forums do to me.
Iíve been going out for 3 years now. Iíve been out 100 times and have gotten at the most 20 reactions but I still worry. Iíve been in the hospital where I didnít take a bath for 7-8 days at a time and got no reactions. People sat next to me, hugged me, ate with me, hung out with me. and didnít do anything to make me feel like I smell ... read more
I'm feeling depressed 7 y
The depression I'm under now...
Iíve been feeling depressed the last couple of days. I know itís because Iíve been drinking too much.Iíve been doing everything wrong these past couple of weeks. Iíve been relying on being high in some way to get through. Now Iím paying the price.
It started one day when I was thinking about the past. I was thinking about when the devil first arrived. How I use to be before him. I was so alone. I barely left my room. I wouldnt let people get close to me let alone let them hug me. I longed for love but thought I was too disgusting to get it.
Then the devil came and my whole world tu ... read more
I went out today to get my shot 8 y
Went out today and the reactions surprised me.
I went out today to get my shot after a long time of staying in my room alone. I was so afraid someone would do something to make me feel bad. I worried about it all morning. So I prayed about it. I prayed that God would give me the strength but he did something more. I went to the pharmacy and everyone was so nice to me. They treated me like a human being. They spent their sweet time on me. And made me feel like they respected me.
It had been so long I didnít remember what it felt like. To be respected. It shows me that there are good people out there. There may be bullies but there a ... read more
I went to my psychiatrist today 8 y
I went to the psychiatrist and got no reactions and my feelings about the devil.
I went to my psychiatrist today and everything went well. The nurse there was really close to me. And there were other people there but no one reacted. They all acted perfectly normal.
There was a little boy there. He was around 12 yrs old. He was in the waiting room with me and did nothing. He was just in there playing his video games.
I was so surprised to get the response that I got because I was sure that I smelled. But when I went to the psychiatrist people didnít treat me as if I smelled.
It gave me hope. It made me feel like I can do this. I was so worried before I went ... read more
I just got out of the hospital and I had a horrible time 8 y
I went to the hospital and had a horrible time. My room mate made me think I smell.
So I went into the hospital a week ago. I went because my computer was acting up and I thought it was the devil. It started out good. I didnít have a room mate and people were being nice to me. One girl even asked me to have dinner with her.
Then they moved me to another room. There I had a room mate. When I came there she had the door closed but in the morning she opened it and kept it open. I was there with her for like 5 days and she only closed the door 3 times. 2 times at night to sleep and one time when she was getting dressed.
I felt like I smelled so bad because she would n ... read more
The voices are going away 8 y
The voices are barely there. My delusions are getting better too.
Iíve been on my medicine again for 2 months and 6 days and I notice a difference. My voices are almost completely gone. I only heard them a little yesterday and it took a lot of work to hear what they were saying.
The delusion of the devil is also getting much better. I barely think about it and when I do I just rationalize with myself. The voices made it easy to do because last Friday they told me it was all me. That the devil is my mind. That theyíre just emotions. Love and hate. And I will get better. For around 2 hours after that I believed it. But then it went back to just questio ... read more
I feel so depressed 8 y
Depression because of my delusions.
I could be so much farther along in my life if it wasnít for this. Iím so depressed about what happened yesterday. I feel so worthless. Iíve gotten to the point where I donít even feel human anymore. I donít think I deserve love. Not the way I am. I fear that I wonít change. That this is what itís going to be like forever.
I know thatís not true but thatís how I feel. It makes me so depressed. I came so far only to be taken back here. Itís like a never ending cycle. I get better then I get worse. Sigh... When will it be over. I donít want to die like this. I want my life back.
No o ... read more
I just had the most frightening experience out today 8 y
I went out and thought I smelled up the whole place everywhere I went.
I went out today. We went to the mall. It was so crowded. I was nervous from the time I stepped into the mall. There were people everywhere. I couldnít get away from them. The whole time I was thinking do I smell? Will they smell me? Are they smelling me? I was waiting for someone to do something to make me think I stink.
We went and got my nieces eyebrows threaded. As I was waiting for her people were passing by very close to me. That calmed me down a little because they werenít reacting. So we went on to a few stores and I felt better because people were passing by close to me and no ... read more
I'm getting better 8 y
I celebrated my birthday yesterday and my delusions are getting better
Itís been 7 weeks since I got back on my medicine and Iím seeing improvements. The voices have gotten so much better. I barely hear them which makes it easier to ignore them. The delusions which are the hardest thing to go away are still there but are getting better. I donít think about them as much as I did a few days ago. They arenít on my mind all the time which I love. They really seem to be going away.
Now I have to stay away from drinking and most of all smoking weed. Smoking weed makes my voices louder and more persistent. So its best if I donít do it. At least not while Iím tryi ... read more
It takes 3 months to get rid of a delusion 8 y
Delusions take 3 months max to go away
I was on crazyboards and someone there replied to my post saying that delusions take 3 months max to go away. That made me feel so good because Iíve been on the medicine for 6 weeks. Theyíre breaking but I still believe them. Itís hard to explain. Itís like I know logically thereís no way theyíre true but I still fear I smell and the devil is after me.
The voices have been good about reality checking me but what they say gives me little relief. I believe them but thereís just this nagging thought in my head where I canít stop thinking about it. So it was a much needed relief when she sa ... read more
My delusion of the devil is going away 8 y
My delusion of the devil and how I'm breaking free of it thanks to the voices.
Yes...I have the delusion of smelling but thatís not my only delusion. I also have the delusion that the devil is trying to get my soul. Iíve had it for a little longer than a year. It was a miserable delusion to have. I would be so afraid that I would sleep in my moms room. I never wanted to be alone.
It came to the point that with medication I was able to get back to a somewhat normal life but the fear was still there. It mostly occurred at night though. Or when I was home alone. Now for a little while now the voices have been saying that the devil isnít real. He was made up by your ... read more
I know I don't smell 8 y
Breaking free from my delusions
I wrote about my somatic delusions on crazyboards and two people came on saying they believe they smell too. But when they donít take baths for a while people are more reserved about sitting next to them. People arenít reserved about sitting next to me. They sit next to me all the time. There could be open seats away from me and they will still sit right next to me.
Then I remember one time going out to the bar. There were people sitting and standing right next to me. We went to the bathroom and someone used the stall right after me. Then the bartender came from behind the bar and hug ... read more
My heart is telling me to be around people 8 y
Getting over my fears one day at a time.
My heart is telling me to go. Do it. Donít let anything stand in your way. Be around people. They will give you what you need. And Iím going to do it. I intend to go out every chance I get. The only way to handle fear is to face it head on. I know people wonít react to me because I went out for 6 months with my medicine.
When I got off my medicine the fear came back. But I know I need to do this. I feel like Iíve been waiting for the medicine to work and life has been passing me by. Itís time to stop that. I need to have faith and go. There is nothing holding me back but me.
visit the page
I just realized I'm afraid of love 8 y
My faith in god is pushing me to that which I'm afraid of. The love of people.
Iíve been battling the effects of schizophrenia for 7 yrs. At my worst I thought I smelled so bad people outside could smell me. I was living a nightmare. Everyday just as bad as the last. I would put a towel under my door to contain the smell. And I never went around anyone.
But now here I am 7 yrs in and things have gotten a lot better. I donít fear as much. Iíve done more in one year than Iíve done in 6. I realize that Iím just afraid of people. But thereís nothing to fear. People bring me love. And love is opening my heart up to the possibilities.
Today my nephew came home and ... read more