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I just realized I'm afraid of love
My faith in god is pushing me to that which I'm afraid of. The love of people.
Date: 4/4/2014 3:59:39 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1082 times I've been battling the effects of schizophrenia for 7 yrs. At my worst I thought I smelled so bad people outside could smell me. I was living a nightmare. Everyday just as bad as the last. I would put a towel under my door to contain the smell. And I never went around anyone.
But now here I am 7 yrs in and things have gotten a lot better. I don't fear as much. I've done more in one year than I've done in 6. I realize that I'm just afraid of people. But there's nothing to fear. People bring me love. And love is opening my heart up to the possibilities.
Today my nephew came home and gave me a hug. Then he laid in my bed and talked to me for a while. Then my niece came home and did the same thing. It made me feel so good. I remember a time when I wouldn't have let that happen. I would have been nervous and made them leave.
I feel nothing but love from people and that's what's opening my heart up. I need to have faith in God. God will get me through this. At times it's hard to keep on going when there's no end in sight but I know there is more for me out there. I've made it through the most trying time in my life and I have to believe there is more.
I'm going out with my mom tomorrow. I want to. I have to be proactive in this. I can't sit here waiting for the medicine to work. I have to go out and see what it's like. I know it will be good. I know my belief that I smell is all in my mind. I know by what I'm experiencing. Every reaction I've ever had is totally explainable.
I use to think I could never have gotten the reactions I have and smell good. But now I know that's not true. I've had 8 reactions and they are all easily explained. And even if they weren't 9 reactions in 6 yrs is nothing.
I have more faith now. Faith in me. Faith in God. I believe I will get out of this. And feel the love of people again. I don't have to be alone. I choose to be. And I don't want to choose that anymore. So I'm going to start going. Living. Loving. And you all will take that journey with me.
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