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I'm feeling depressed
The depression I'm under now...
Date: 1/3/2015 7:14:36 PM ( 9 y ) ... viewed 1732 times I've been feeling depressed the last couple of days. I know it's because I've been drinking too much.I've been doing everything wrong these past couple of weeks. I've been relying on being high in some way to get through. Now I'm paying the price.
It started one day when I was thinking about the past. I was thinking about when the devil first arrived. How I use to be before him. I was so alone. I barely left my room. I wouldnt let people get close to me let alone let them hug me. I longed for love but thought I was too disgusting to get it.
Then the devil came and my whole world turned upside down. I was so afraid of the devil that I left my room and ran to people for comfort. I went everywhere and did everything. I would lay in the bed with my mom or neice and talk to them. I would go everywhere with my mom. I even went on vacation. The worst it got the further I went to people.
Then one day it got too bad and I went into the hospital. Now the previous time I went into the hospital I stayed in my room but this time I didn't. I stayed in the common area. I hung out with people. I got lots of hugs. I made friends.
It was the first time I thought about how this hallucination helped me get out. Before this hallucination came along I was going to kill myself. But after it I wanted to live. I also had more freedom and was able to spend time with my family without being afraid.
I started thinking the schizophrenia got me out. It may have been hard but it distracted me enough to go and be around people. So I stopped worrying about the schizophrenia getting better and started drinking and smoking weed. Now I'm depressed and feel like there is too much on my shoulders. I feel like I'll never make it out.
I know it's just my mind and it's not really true but I can't help it. This is just a sign that I need to do the right thing and cut it out. That I need to get my mind right. If I want to get better I have to try. I expect things to get handed to me on a silver platter but it doesnt happen that way.
So now I have to wait until this depression goes away. Sigh... Don't give up now...
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