Re: I just want my life back

 Bless your heart.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  I suffered from this condition for close to 10 years when I was in my 30's.  I refer to it as "my lost decade."  

Overcoming agoraphobia is no picnic.  I will say that it takes extremely hard work, but it can be done.  Well, let me rephrase the "extremely hard work" part.  Actually, it fills you with terror.  But it still can be done, although it may take some time.  I will start by saying that the primary ingredient in treating one's own panic and anxiety is loving and accepting yourself for who and what you are at this very minute.  Don't put demands on yourself.  It is not important to be perfect.  Do you have anyone that can be with you when you go out?  Is there anybody that can practice going out with you?  I didn't have anybody.  And do you know how I started?  By walking around the block, and that was the most terrifying experience of my life.  I thought I was literally going to die.  And the whole time I would say to myself.......  "If I have a panic attack I'm not going to die....... "If I have a panic attack I am not going to die."  And by the time I went around the block and got back to my door I was so relieved and so exhausted that I did nothing else the rest of the day.  Then little by little, I would walk just a bit more and  a bit more, and this is how I got started.  However, there is a fine line when doing these exercises.  Never force yourself to do it if you feel you cannot.  White knuckling does not work, it only makes it worse.  Like I said, this condition must be treated with love.  I hope I'm making sense here.  But my venturing out and living a normal life took time.  I had a severe case.  But then again, I didn't know about natural alternatives and had I known, my recovery may have been easier and quicker.  The thing with me, and I suspect it might be with you, deep insecurity, pain and grief were at the root of my anxiety and panic, and this had to be resolved, even going back to resolving childhood issues.  This part was not easy either.  So even if you use alternative remedies, which do work, you still have to address emotional issues.  Treating a panic disorder is a complex issue and you must approach it treating the mind, body, and spirit.  I really hope I am getting my point across here and not rambling too much.  But.... take heart......  It can be done.  And the person you find on the other side will be a new and improved you.  Seriously.

Are you going through any type of therapy? The right therapist can help you with emotional issues and resolving conflicts.  Actually, it is very common to develop a panic disorder because of a breakup.  This can be a very severe loss.  And, actually, we who have had severe panic and been agoraphobic, very often have common threads.  For example, my panic attacks started three months after the sudden death of my husband.  And like you, I was completely alone and had nobody to help.  Nobody understood.  So I know what a lonely place that can be.  Also, chances are that the root of your condition is insecurity, which was planted in childhood.    

Are you on any medication?  Actually, I hope you're not on any, but if you are, there will be a day that you are medication free.  Not knowing better, I was on antidepressants and benzos for a time, but a very interesting fact is that my recovery speeded up quite a bit when I found natural remedies.  

Because of your severe panic, the first thing I am going to suggest is Bach Flower Remedies.  Go to their site and go down the list to see what fits your individual emotions.  But for panic I would recommend Rescue Remedy.  At the end of this post, I am also going to include a link to an article that I wrote entitled "Understanding Anxiety and Panic Disorders."  This was written from a very personal perspective.  In fact, everything I describe in the article was me and my progress towards becoming agoraphobic.  But besides the Bach Flower Remedies, it also contains other natural alternatives to help you.  You will notice that diet is very important.    I will say though, that the emotional work needs to also be done.  Something inside you is terrified about something.  Again, I am going by what I read and this is through the internet, so I could be mistaken.  But if it is that "scared child within," there are steps that you can take to comfort, love, and protect it, so that it becomes strong, confident, and independent.  Seriously.  Again, love for oneself is the answer here.

I relate to a lot of what you said.  I, too, was afraid of what people would think of me while out in public.  In fact, I had several panic attacks out in public and I felt like a complete fool.  They were at the checkout counter of grocery stores and I had a full blown panic attack while driving a car.  God literally drove the car that day, as I was afraid to pull over to the shoulder.  And do you know the reason why I was afraid to pull over and stop the car?  Because I didn't want anybody to find my body there.  I was sure that every panic attack would result in death.  I know this doesn't make any sense to many, but the goal was to get home as quickly as possible, and I knew that I would not die if I got home.

My suggestion to you would be to find a good therapist to help you with relaxation exercises, resolving emotional conflicts, and cognitive behavior therapy.  But it may take time, don't give up.  Remember, love and acceptance are first and foremost.  And, if the therapist suggests any types of drugs, I would walk out the door and find another therapist.

One more thing, if you ever need anybody to talk to, please know that I am here.

Here is the article:

http://www.tbyil.com/Anxiety_Panic_Disorders.htm

My Best,

Luella