I just want my life back

Sorry for the long post but I feel that I have to get all this out as I have nobody else to talk to.

I'm 30 & so sick & tired of having panic attacks/anxiety/agoraphobia (haven't left my home in years). They have taken over my life & robbed me of my personality. The trigger seems to be people?? If I'm waiting for a parcel/takeaway/shopping to be delivered, then the anxiety kicks in - heart starts racing, legs feel like jelly, andrenaline kicks in, & I get shaky & sweaty. Just the thought of having to speak to someone freaks me out. I can't even talk on the phone anymore (even to family). I had my first panic attack (4 or 5 years ago) after a relationship break up (I was also drinking heavily back then). This person treated me like I'd never been treated before & I stupidly put them on a pedestal & made them my world.


I've always been a very shy person. I even had to see a psychologist when I was 11/12 years old because the teachers felt that I never spoke to them. I would always put my head down in class praying that the teacher wouldn't pick me to answer a question. If we had to read out loud in class, I'd read ahead so when it got to my part, I wouldn't mess up or mispronounce something. I was the same in primary school, high school & college. My younger sister, on the other hand, is loud, confident & mouthy - the complete opposite.

I'm always worried what other people think. Even before the panic attacks started, I'd think that people were looking at me when I was out. I constantly try & second guess what people think of me. I'm not a conversation starter because I feel that I don't have much/anything interesting to say, or if I do say the wrong thing then people will laugh at me/think I'm stupid. If I were to trip over in public I'd think that everybody would be looking at me & laughing. I could never sit in a coffee shop or restaurant by myself as I'd think that people would be thinking 'look at that loner/saddo on her own'. I'm so much better at writing things down, than I am at saying them.

My family don't really bother with me. They email me once in a while & that's about it. My mother threw me out umpteen times when I lived with her (I was 16 the first time). I spent 3 months in a hostel aged 19. I remember her last words were 'Don't bother committing suicide because we'll be able to identify you from your dental records'. I turned to drugs during those months. My sister only gets in touch when she wants something/wants to bitch about somebody, & then it can be months & months before I hear from her again. She'll never get in touch just to say 'Hi, how are you?'. My family aren't close. They don't do hugs, affection, praise, 'I love you's' - things I've always craved. I grew up in a house filled with shouting & arguments. My dad left when I was 8 & I've recently found out that he wants to get in touch. I have just 1 friend now (an ex) & I live with him. He doesn't do talking/feelings though, which is why I feel very alone. He tells me not to worry what other people think, but it's easier said than done.

I'm trying to turn my life around. I have hypoT & suspect I have adrenal/hormonal issues too. I take iodine, selenium, zinc, vitamin c, vitex, B12, & coconut oil (rice bran & magnesium when I can remember to). I rebound each day. I've just started oil pulling again. I eat plenty of fruit & vegetables. I only drink water, orange juice, smoothies, nettle tea or jiaogulan tea. However, Sugar is my downfall - chocolate & cakes. I find it so hard to give them up. I'm trying to remain positive, but some days I feel so down & keep thinking that I'll never get better. I read a lot of Louise Hay/Abraham Hicks/LOA stuff & always feel better afterwards. I have a wonderful home-based job & that keeps me busy/sane.

I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that things will get better (however long it takes) & that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Also, if anybody can shed some light on where they think all this stems from/some reasoning behind it, I'd really appreciate it. I keep trying to think back but I can't remember much of my childhood.


If you made it this far, thank you for reading ;-) Tweet