Genetic? Anything's possible

Yes,  my eldest practices the same stuff that his father did (does), but he's much more violent.  He nearly choked his wife to death and made out like he was having epileptic blackouts.  Of course, after much testing, he was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.  It's my belief that it can be both genetic and environmental.  My son watched what his father did to me to get whatever it was that he wanted, and he now applies the same practices, but even more so.  My abuser used to make up all sorts of wild claims that could never be corroborated or disproven.  In fact, his whole personna was fabricated.  There is nothing about that man that is based upon fact or reality - he's a classic narcissist and, quite possibly, a sociopath.  One of his delightful abuse tactics was to ruthlessly torment our family dog if I demonstrated any type of backbone.  My son does the same thing, only worse. 

Short version of my son:  always, always, always in some sort of trouble, including juvenile court, etc.  I kicked him out of my house when my mother was dying because of his bad behavior, callous indifference, and thoroughly foolish (dangerous) choices. 

He went into the Army and contacted me after going to boot camp, saying, "I understand that there's nothing more important than family."  Because I love my son, I went to his graduation (all the way to Ft. Benning, GA from Philly in a rental car), and brought him back for some leave.  His father (kid's "hero," you know) had promised to attend the graduation, didn't show, and refused to visit with him while we were driving through Roanoke back to Philly - finall agreed to see his son for 2 hours and took him to Wendy's for graduating from boot camp. 

We put him up at a motel at my expense near our home because there remained abuse/trust issues with this kid.  Of course, he acted out while he was visiting - set himself up to go AWOL by "losing" ID cards, etc.  Went to pick him up one morning and found a known prostitute living in his motel room, condoms on the nightstand, and my son saying he didn't have any idea who she was, etc.  Meanwhile, he has lost all of his money as it was "stolen," according to my son. 

Off the kid went to the psych ward because he called a friend and threatened suicide.  Didn't hear from him for the next 6 months and then I get a call from some psychiatrist at Walter Reed Army Medical Center who left a message saying, "Mrs. ______, this is Dr. _______ at Walter Reed.  I need you to return my call so we can discuss the options about your husband."  OMIGAWD.....I returned call to learn that the son had married some poor girl on the sly and that he'd nearly killed her - apparently, he beat her up on a regular basis.  Since he had listed ME as his family contact, the psych thought that the number he was calling was my daughter-in-law's! 

Finally, the kid is getting ready to get out of the service and makes up this fantastic story that he'd been awarded 100K for having been "shot in the line of duty."  He also had a job offer (so he said) to work for the gov't starting as a GS-13.  Then, he claimed to have had a friend who was purchasing a house and had offered my son living quarters for as long as he wanted, at no charge.  Can you see where this is going?

Of course, none of it was true, and we discovered that my son had written bogus checks all over D.C. and Silver Springs, MD, to the tune of 35K, or more.  Oh, it was such a horrible slap in the face, you know?  There's more to the story, but it all goes the same way.  Luckily, I believe that his wife had the marriage annulled, after she visited with us and we had a long, long talk about abuse, narcissism, and honest love.  But, the worst discovery was this:  he left my home and left behind all of his personal belongings that I had allowed him to store, here.  In a plastic grocery bag, I found evidence that he had fabricated Military Service Awards, official military documents, and his DD214, forging signatures of doctors, generals, etc.  I almost threw up, literally.  I thought about all of the young men and women who have lost their lives in some godforsaken desert or are so maimed that they'll never have a normal life, and it made me so sick to think that someone (my son, no less) could be so arrogant, selfish, and sick as to fabricate Service Award documents. 

What I learned through all of this is:  I will not accept abuse from any individual, including my own child.  And, as a survivor, you are doing the best that you can to demonstrate your courage and strength.  If your daughter gets the picture and turns around, that's great!  If she chooses a different path, it's not your fault, particularly when she becomes an adult.  They all have to make choices, at some point.  Sadly, my son never did learn that stupid choices result in dire consequences.  For all I know, he' s probably in prison.  The last time I spoke to him was to let him know that I had found his forgery kit (complete with golden seals, imprint set, etc.) and that he was to consider me dead and buried.  And, even today, I grieve over the son that I had loved so much. 

So, hang in there and keep surviving!  Sorry for the long post and the wild rant!