Re: I need help fast: Serious family problems, long message

Oh, Sweetie, I feel for you and there are portions of your missive that I could have written when I was your age...

I also had a stepfather that I could not stand. He was an evil man, he managed to weasel his way into the hearts of family members with $, but the repurcussions of his influence on my family are felt to this day:(...so I definitely know where you are coming from, M'dear.

In the dysfunctional family dynamic, people adopt roles to further the cause of their own self-preservation...generally. That sounds like what your sister is doing...anything to stay out of the line of fire, so to speak. And I'm afraid that you won't know why your mom chooses the men that she does for years, if ever. As a child you see her only as your mother...you don't see the things that have happened in her life to cause her to make the choices that she does. You only see how they affect you..so try not to blame her too much. She is a flawed, needy, human being(as we all are) and it will take time and distance for you to see the larger dynamic at work here...I'm sure that she sees your dietary choices as a criticism of HER choices AND as a criticism of her ability to mother, to nurture.

I also became a vegetarian in my early 20's...luckily I was out of the house by then, but when I came home to visit, it was always stressful...Looking back, I was very self-righteous, very critical and very demanding. Do you see yourself as being any of those things? It really does not matter whether or not your choice is the "right" one, dietarily speaking. Others are bound to see it as a criticism and an affront to their sensibilities. I would also urge you to examine the reasons for your dietary choices. Given the strained relationship with your family, I am guessing that MAYBE these choices have something to do with rejecting them...

And please, do not think that I am criticizing you! I am not! It seems to me that in YOUR family, you have adopted the role of the one who "sees" and tells the truth...NOT likely to make you popular! (I am speaking from experience here) You want things to be "right"...THAT will inevitably lead to despair, when we are speaking of hopes that OTHERS will change their behaviors/attitudes...All that YOU can change is yourself...and what that entails, for you? I don't know, exactly. It seems to me that THE most important thing for you to concern yourself with right now is your schooling, because THAT is what will enable you to create your OWN life one day...and since you are financially dependent on others, you need to figure out how to get along with these folks(wherever you end up)...

...I don't know much about anorexia, but I would urge you to seek counseling...Most schools have medical insurance for their students(when I was in college, anyway)...

A few concrete suggestions on how to get along with people that you wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE to hang out with...Do something nice for them! Do a chore which is not normally your responsibility. Make a delicious salad or fruit smoothie to share...ask them how they feel, and REALLY listen to them talk..

I would also urge you to seek out some volunteering oppurtunity in your area...volunteer at an old folks home...become a trained literacy volunteer...volunteer at an animal shelter. There is nothing like reaching out to others to help us heal ourselves..

I really hope that I was able to help, just a bit. Do know that there are others who have gone through similar situations or are going through them along with you.

The power to change lies within you. You can only change yourself, you can NEVER hope to change another. Trust me, I learned that the hard way:)...I guess that's the only way..

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