Oh, Sweetie, I feel for you and there are portions of your missive that I could have written when I was your age...

I also had a stepfather that I could not stand. He was an evil man, he managed to weasel his way into the hearts of family members with $, but the repurcussions of his influence on my family are felt to this day:(...so I definitely know where you are coming from, M'dear.

In the dysfunctional family dynamic, people adopt roles to further the cause of their own self-preservation...generally. That sounds like what your sister is doing...anything to stay out of the line of fire, so to speak. And I'm afraid that you won't know why your mom chooses the men that she does for years, if ever. As a child you see her only as your mother...you don't see the things that have happened in her life to cause her to make the choices that she does. You only see how they affect you..so try not to blame her too much. She is a flawed, needy, human being(as we all are) and it will take time and distance for you to see the larger dynamic at work here...I'm sure that she sees your dietary choices as a criticism of HER choices AND as a criticism of her ability to mother, to nurture.

I also became a vegetarian in my early 20's...luckily I was out of the house by then, but when I came home to visit, it was always stressful...Looking back, I was very self-righteous, very critical and very demanding. Do you see yourself as being any of those things? It really does not matter whether or not your choice is the "right" one, dietarily speaking. Others are bound to see it as a criticism and an affront to their sensibilities. I would also urge you to examine the reasons for your dietary choices. Given the strained relationship with your family, I am guessing that MAYBE these choices have something to do with rejecting them...

And please, do not think that I am criticizing you! I am not! It seems to me that in YOUR family, you have adopted the role of the one who "sees" and tells the truth...NOT likely to make you popular! (I am speaking from experience here) You want things to be "right"...THAT will inevitably lead to despair, when we are speaking of hopes that OTHERS will change their behaviors/attitudes...All that YOU can change is yourself...and what that entails, for you? I don't know, exactly. It seems to me that THE most important thing for you to concern yourself with right now is your schooling, because THAT is what will enable you to create your OWN life one day...and since you are financially dependent on others, you need to figure out how to get along with these folks(wherever you end up)...

...I don't know much about anorexia, but I would urge you to seek counseling...Most schools have medical insurance for their students(when I was in college, anyway)...

A few concrete suggestions on how to get along with people that you wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE to hang out with...Do something nice for them! Do a chore which is not normally your responsibility. Make a delicious salad or fruit smoothie to share...ask them how they feel, and REALLY listen to them talk..

I would also urge you to seek out some volunteering oppurtunity in your area...volunteer at an old folks home...become a trained literacy volunteer...volunteer at an animal shelter. There is nothing like reaching out to others to help us heal ourselves..

I really hope that I was able to help, just a bit. Do know that there are others who have gone through similar situations or are going through them along with you.

The power to change lies within you. You can only change yourself, you can NEVER hope to change another. Trust me, I learned that the hard way:)...I guess that's the only way..

(I hit "agree" instead of "respond", sorry for that)

I had very similar experiences. That makes you and me "brothers in arms". :-)

(Interestingly enough, you will find that many smart and successfull people's biographies read in a similar way.)

First of all - you are your parent's responsibility. From the moment you are born until you are mature enough to take care of yourself, their first responsibility is to love you, support you, and make sure you grow into a healthy self-sufficient individual. From what you write, it's safe to say that your mom, dad, and stepfather all failed in that respect.

Which means that - NO IT IS NOT ALL YOU, and NO, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. However, never underestimate how hard they will try to make you think it is all your fault. They would rather die then admit their mistakes. Unfortunately, that's how most of the people are. Try to understand that there people in this world who accept responsibility and those who don't. They are in this second category which is already crowded...

You are a sensitive person - something others in your household are not. This most likely means that you are more inteligent, intuitive, caring, and probably even better looking (unless your anorexia is really bad) then your mom or sister. This is enough to make them jealous. Jealousy towards one's kids and siblings is actually very common, only it's sad when it's parents feeling it.

The person who is smarter and better as a person will always attract jealousy from others, especially from family if they are not as developed. It's a simple (and ugly) fact. Try to accept that - some people haven't really advanced much further then monkeys. They walk and talk, and that's where their dissimilarities from monkeys end. That makes them dangerous to be around, and also makes us understand them better.

Everything you noticed about your mother, sister, stepfather and father is right on, which is actually quite surprising someone so young and who grew up in such tough circumstances. You are showing maturity of a much older person for a 19 year old (I actually kept forgetting you were only 19 while reading your message!).

One of the toughest things to accept in a life like you have right now, is that our parents maybe don't love us; and it's even harder to realize that they may actually hate us. Yes, this is possible. However, you were not born just by accident - you may not agree with me, but try to accept this: every one of us is on this planet because God wanted us here. Whatever your version of God is - nature, universe, highest love and power - well that energy needs you on this planet. Parents may choose to do God's bidding and help you grow, or they may choose to walk the path of evil, and try to distroy their own kids. Parents are free to do as they will - this is a planet of free will; everyone is allowed to do as they please. However, what everyone forgets is - we all do have to pay for our wrongdoings later... sometimes even before we die. And why are people allowed to make such stupid mistakes like abuse their own kids? Because, if there was a system to prevent it, God would never had a chance to get to know us. Some of us then advance further, while some others have "some 'splainin' to do"... And unfortunately, advancement always comes with equal amount of suffering. "That which didn't kill me, made me stronger" (Nietzche)
This way, we are all free to show what we are made of.

And you are made of some special totaly lovable material. :-)

What should you do?

There is no right answer. There are many possibilities. First of all, maybe the only thing you "Should" do, is realize that you probably don't see all of those possibilities. I am certain that some good options that exist, you don't see. And it is important to see as many possibilities as you can.

For instance - do you have any other relatives? Anyone who really loves you? Grandma? Uncle? Aunt? Is there a friend with whom you could share a room or something while you finish your studies?

Why am I asking all this? Because the only thing I would recommend in regards to your family is to walk out and never see them again. Never. You may disagree, but since you asked for an opinion, I feel free with giving it, even if it sounds radical. Do they love you? No. They are even kicking you out, right? Therefore, they want you out of their lives (even though they may say exact opposite at some later time, only to get close enough to you to hurt you again). So they are just simply evil towards you, and should best be avoided. It's what many call - poisonous people - they poison your life, and nothing good will ever come from them; even if something good comes from them, it will quickly be erased by something much worse. So in the end you come to this same conclusion - best to be avoided forever.

Then, you need to figure a way to support yourself. I don't know if you feel like you are mature enough to work, and take care of yourself, but you certainly seem very mature and smart to me; at least much more so then an average 19 yr old. Do you think you could get a job, any job, or maybe a job that you like, and pay some cheap rental with it? Or would you rather try to live with your father? If you are going to stay with him, my sugggestion is this - expect only the best from him, and the first time he tries to be abusive, even if it's only verbal, just walk out and never see him again either.

You mention a friend who offered help. This sounds great. I don't know if maybe you can offer to them to participate in their expenses and stay longer? Could you also maybe ask for some help from social services? Understand that you are just starting out and that asking for help is nothing bad - you need help, and you'll do whatever it takes to get it. This is so that you don't have to depend on people who use that against you (your parents). Just make sure you never ever ask for help someone you don't know (except government agency), or someone who is abusive towards you, or trying to put you down in some way. You have a right to live happy life on this planet, and people have to treat you with respect. If they don't want to treat you with respect, they can go their way - you don't owe them anything. You don't owe your parents anything either; they owe you though.

Once you figure a way to cover your expenses during your studies, you can finish the university and then get your career going. Maybe there is someone at the university you can consult with regarding all this? Maybe you can get a job at school where you study? You may also need some therapy later, as abusive relationships with parents usually leave negative impressions... the biggest danger being that one day when you become mom, you may be abusive in some way toward your kids, or you may be afraid of starting a family, or may run into a wrong guy every time you fall in love... to help yourself, try to observe people around you and recognize those who are "good people" - just as a model to follow, or something to enjoy as a break from those ugly memories.

Starting out on your own won't be easy. But it will make you a stronger person, and above all - you won't have to deal with other people's crap any more. And that's worth gold. Also, once you are on your own, make sure that you find ways to fill your life with something that you enjoy and do just for fun - no other reason, but simply because you enjoy doing it. Maybe it's watching a film, maybe it's reading a book, or taking a walk; but try not to indulge in un-natural addictive things like shopping.

Also, do have a friend you can talk to. At least one. Tell the friend that you really appreciate their help and/or attention. It is important not to feel alone; here at curezone you may also get some support, but this is also all in cyberspace so we can't really give you a hug or be there when you need us...

So to sum it up:

- Stay away from abusive people, which means getting away from your mother and sister (and stepfather, and even father if he is abusive towards you). You don't owe them anything and don't have to see them ever again.

- Try to become independent if at all possible. If because of that you have problems at school, do talk to someone there who cares, secretary, your favorite teacher or whoever, and tell them honestly about your problems; don't sound whiny, rather tell them that you need this much time, or whatever else to get back on track.

- Try to get as much support from others as possible. Friends, other family members, etc. It is not a shame to ask for help when one needs it. Never think that you're really alone in this world. You've heard about the saying "Nock, and it shall open, ask and it shall be given".

- If you believe in God (or even if you don't!), say a prayer for yourself - ask God for guidance and for helpfull people. Watch the miracle happen. Whenever we ask for something from the bottom of our heart, we will get it - as long as it is possible and not something bad like revenge. A prayer won't hurt in any way, so even if you don't believe in anything, try it - who knows... Just remember you cannot change others through prayer - you can only ask for things for yourself. You can ask for other to be happy and so on, but that's very hard to get, as it also depends on their free will.

p.s. As for your anorexia, try to have a meal, even if it's just an apple, every three hours minimum. Never go without food for longer then that. And as you become more and more independent, you will slowly get better believe me. Your anorexia is just an influence from your family - as soon as they are out of your life, anorexia will slowly dissappear.

p.p.s. Because of all the stress you are under, I recommend, or rather - I URGE you to take vitamin B complex and vitamin C as well and vitamin E. You are maybe already taking these, but if you are not, they are really important to help you stay healthy during these tough times.

p.p.p.s. One day you'll be happy, you'll have your own family, and all this will be behind... and promise yourself that you will love your kids, will take them seriously, will hear their complaints, and above all - you'll choose a decent person for husband, a guy who will adore you and respect you!

hi.. i want to help you so i'd rather be frank with my reply.. please don't be offended however..

remember that people have freewill(that includes your mom,sister and dad..), whether they chose to go to the store or just stand in the entrance,it's their freewill. you can't control how people will react.however, what you can control is how you would react to these people's reactoin. it's your choice whether to let it bring you down or brush it off or just learn from it. focus on what's in your circle of control(things you can control) not on what's in your circle of concerns(things you get upset or worry about). sure, the world is not perfect, and everthing won't be just as you like it to be, but you have the choice to be happy or to frown about things not being the way you want it to be. by the way, as i mentioned about freewill, you should not blame yourself on everything that's happening in your family, remember?it is their freewill if they want to be jerks or whatever.just continue to be a good daughter and a good sister.. do your part in the relationship.. whether they do their part or not, let it be. don't take it in yourself. in the end, you won't be blaming yourself because you know you did what you can.

people tend to unconsciously go in cycles. i think that's what's happening to your mom.. i've read that wives experiencing abuse from their exhusbands tends to get into relationship with another abusive man. it goes round and round without them even noticing it. it's like their mind has been set that that is how their ideal man should be. they keep looking for it. the way out is if your mom will consciously try to break the cycle. i want to warn you too, becuz children wid abusive fathers tend to get in a cycle by marrying an abusive husband.

about your mom's favoritism.. don't you have favorites too? all moms have favorites(they're humans too, they're not perfect) although others are not too obvious with their favorites. (try to forgive your mom for all her mistakes and try not doing the same mistake she did, learn frm her mistakes). Try asking yourself, is your worth defined by being your mom's favorite? is your worth defined by being better than your sister? i saw an episode of dr.phil about two sisters that forgot to live their lives because of rivalry. they spent their lives trying to top each other. please don't do that mistake. i mean, get your own life. each person is created uniquely, you have strengths and weaknesses as well as your sister. you have your own worth as a person and let no one dictate what your worth is.

let me quote what you said:
[To put it roughly, there's a lot of tension in my household. Fighting all the time, and it's blamed on me because I'm the one who reacts to the stress.]
i dont think you are the only one reacting to the stress. i think you're all reacting to the stress, but maybe in the wrong way. from what i've read it seems like you are all reacting to the stress by creating some MORE STRESS.. yelling at each other and competing for who gets her way.. instead of striving to understand each other and to compromise. you should try seeing things at each other's point of view.. i know it's difficult,but just try to be more understanding.. see what your mom is going through.. being through rough marriages is no joke you know.. i think your mom is already frustrated wid all these unsuccessful relationships that's y she thought you r attacking her wen you askd y he's still here?.. try to be more considerate of oders and think wer they're coming frm

communication is the best way to resolve a conflict. try to talk to your mom about the conflicts as well.. but remember that you're not there to get your way but to explain your side and to try to see things from your mom's point of view. when your mom is telling you something negative about yourself,instead of being defensive ryt away, try to listen first, try to really understand wat your mom is saying, ask yourself if it's really true and ask yourself why would your mom say that?where did she get that idea?where did that come from? ask her that aswell.. i'm sure it did not just come from nowhere. then explain your side.

i know you may not agree.. but frankly i think u and perhaps also your mom and sister r quite self-centered.. gee i dont know.. or maybe that is just how u reacted to the stress, by trying to get in each other's nerves. and no offense.. i think you shud try being more flexible.. i mean about the food.. i do respect that u're a vega but atleast i could have eaten d sandwich bread.. it's made of wheat anyway..

and during d shopping.. y giv a damn if they won't come in d store.. it's not lyk they're the store ryt? and it's really okay if you're mom won't see wat u lyk.. if u really lyk it, then buy it. u don't need her opinion.. it's no big deal.

i think you should get medical assistance wid that anorexia.. i think you're mom's not taking it seriously

i think you should chose to stay wherever it is most convenient to you.. look at the pros and cons.. can you take all d stress u're family is giving u if you'll stay there wid dem? or wud u rather travel far? travelling is no prob for me since i travel for almost two hours everyday..

[All I know is I have no idea what to do!! I'm so stressed out and upset and depressed and lost. Is it all my fault? I feel like I must be the most awful, horrible person in the world, and how can I be lovable if my own family doesn't even love me? I'm scared of people, of everything because I think maybe they'll hate me or think I'm weird once they get to know me. I only have one friend.]
this is frm a psychology book i read..
when you get negative thoughts lyk this.. try to verify the validity of this thoughts in ur mind. ask yourself y u think people will hate u or think you r weird. do you have any instances to prove this? people won't hate you just because your family hates you.. anyway your family is NOT all the people..

y r u afraid of people? don't you know they r just as afraid of rejection as u r? they're just lyk u.. completely human wid all those faults and imperfections.. hmmm maybe this is something you can begin improving.. try improving your social skills.. try joining clubs or groups where you can try more exposure wid people. here's what you can do.. try talking to a person.. find ur target.. then reflect after the interaction.. what do u think d person thought about you? what impression do you think you gave that person? r u satisfied wid d interaction? r der things u want to improve? imagine in ur mind how u wud hav wanted it instead.. den try dat nxt tym.. set goals for urself.

and just to tell you.. of course you r not d most horrible person in d world.. God has created you and you r special.you r His masterpiece in every way. He has wonderful plans for you. learn to love urself. how will oders love you don't love yourself d way u r?try dis.. list all d things you lyk about urself den list d things dat u want to improve and try achieving those goals. i've been doing it.. it really works. i'm still trying to improve on myself.. i promise once you're able to achieve a goal you'll feel a lot better about yourself. try self growth.. i'm working on it.

you don't know how blessed you r.. u have a family(others dont) though they may not be exactly as you wanted them to be but you've got these SPECIAL people to love and to care for. you'll really learn so much in loving them.. and you'll also grow as a person. you're mom isn't that bad, she pays your grocery expenses after all.. neglectful moms don't do that. atleast it shows she does care for you. you r blessed to have d opportunity to go to school.. you still got a home in u're oder dad's.. though he may be abusive, just think about the people hu doesn't have a home. and you got a friend.. a good friend definitely to have offered you a place to stay. one thing i learned in lyf is that no matter how many problems there are.. the blessings i have outweighs them all. though my toe was so swollen, i'm just happy my other 9 fingers isnt. btw when everybody fails you, just turn to God for comfort and security. He will never let you down. phew this is sooo sooo long already.. hope this helps however.. dont be sad anymore.. if u nid help i'll be here. take care and Godbless..

I have read a few replies that you have had and just wanted to offer some encouragement and suggestions.

Nineteen is a scary time of life for most everyone but it can also be a time of great accomplishment.

School should not be a problem for you, all it takes is hard work and dedication. It does pay well in the future, so study as hard as you can and learn as much as you can.

You also mentioned concerns about money. Why should anyone be giving you money at nineteen? Get a job or even two. You can make enough to pay for school and all that you need. You have to get weened off of your parents support sometime, why not now?

As for your family problems, they will diminish if you get out on your own and support yourself. Seriously...

Also, remember that a spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down. Do some nice things like drop by your mom's and take the trash out for her, leave some flowers on the breakfast table, and thank her for the good things that you forgot, after all, you made it to 19 years, got enough education, and are capable of leaving messages on this forum. This does not happen inherrently! Someone obviously gave you a lot of help along the way.

Your parents are old stubborn people not willing to change. You need to move out on your own and let them contact you. I had a similar situation and I know that the husband/stepfather can be the true hurricane in the family relationship. All the counseling in the world is not going to help. Once you move out, start your own family and don't contact your parents as much, you will get along better with them.