Re: Emotional Abuse.. Why should I care?

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO HEAL A WOUND WHEN IT REMAINS INFECTED.

When I read your first post I already knew that what you had described was just the beginning of a long history of abuse...and that more than likely there were stories that were even worse. While your stories are important to you because they are a part of your history...they are not so important for healing yourself.

What you have described of your life NOW indicates that the abuse is still going on...it didn't just happen to you as a child or a growing adolescent...it is continuing to this very day! There are no boundaries...and there is ongoing verbal and emotional abuse!!!

You are not responsible for their abuse....HOWEVER...you are responsible for removing yourself from that abusive situation.

I am a therapist and I can tell you that no amount of therapy will help you heal from this as long as you do not make the changes in your life that are necessary to keep you from harms way. Without a doubt...if you are still being abused...the first thing you must do is eliminate that abuse. And given your close physical proximity to your mother and step-father this most likely means that you will need to put some actual distance between yourself and them.

But it is important that you realize that this is only the beginning to addressing the problems you are having. As you have already indicated...you have become an accomplice in your own abuse! The answer is not moving away...the answer is changing the relationship that you have with yourself so that you stop harming yourself in the many ways that you do...and stop allowing others to abuse you.

There are two other things that I have to say to you with regard to your post. I am glad that you are not treating your daughter as your mother treated you...that is commendable. However, you are also the primary role model for your daughter...and teaching her, through example, of what is involved in being an adult, a woman, a wife, a mother and a daughter. When you are harming yourself....or allowing others to abuse you...you are also teaching her about what to expect or how to behave in these various roles. I am certain that you want her to grow up as a much happier and healthier adult woman than you are now...so it is important to remember that you are her first teacher.

The other thing I want to say concerns your accounting of all the abuses that you have suffered in your life. It is important in the earlier stages of your healing process to share these stories with an open, compassionate and accepting person whom you trust. You need to give voice to your experiences...and you need to know that someone has heard you and understands the pain that you have endured. But at some point in that healing process...you need to shift your focus onto yourself and how you are going to live your life from that point forward. I have seen many survivors of abuse who get stuck in telling their stories and dredging up all sorts of painful memories and emotions in the process...and this only serves to keep them locked in their pain and prevents them from letting go and moving forward with their lives. In fact, this can be one of the dangers of being in therapy for long periods of time...and especially with a therapist who remains focused on your past and the abuse...and doesn't, at some point, help you shift your focus back to you in the present. Telling your stories is important...but healing will only come about when you fully take responsibility for your life, change the harmful patterns that you have continued, and let go of the pain.

YOU WILL ONLY BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY WHEN YOU LET GO OF YOUR SUFFERING! ©†ƒ……•™¼‡_Original_Message_¾€š½ž¢«»¬ï°©

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO HEAL A WOUND IF INFECTION REMAINS INSIDE IT.

When I read your first post I already knew that what you had described was just the beginning of a long history of abuse...and that more than likely there were stories that were even worse. While your stories are important to you because they are a part of your history...they are not so important for healing yourself.

What you have described of your life NOW indicates that the abuse is still going on...it didn't just happen to you as a child or a growing adolescent...it is continuing to this very day! There are no boundaries...and there is ongoing verbal and emotional abuse!!!

You are not responsible for their abuse....HOWEVER...you are responsible for removing yourself from that abusive situation.

I am a therapist and I can tell you that no amount of therapy will help you heal from this as long as you do not make the changes in your life that are necessary to keep you from harms way. Without a doubt...if you are still being abused...the first thing you must do is eliminate that abuse. And given your close physical proximity to your mother and step-father this most likely means that you need to move away from them.

But it is important that you realize that this is only the beginning to addressing the problems you are having. As you have already indicated...you have become an accomplice in your own abuse! The answer is not moving away...the answer is changing the relationship that you have with yourself so that you stop harming yourself in the many ways that you do...and stop allowing others to abuse you.

There are two other things that I have to say to you with regard to your post. I am glad that you are not treating your daughter as your mother treated you...that is commendable. However, you are also the primary role model for your daughter...and teaching her, through example, of what is involved in being an adult, a woman, a wife, a mother and a daughter. When you are harming yourself....or allowing others to abuse you...you are also teaching her about what to expect or how to behave in these various roles. I am certain that you want her to grow up as a much happier and healthier adult woman than you are now...so it is important to remember that you are her first teacher.

The other thing I want to say concerns your accounting of all the abuses that you have suffered in your life. It is important in the earlier stages of your healing process to share these stories with an open, compassionate and accepting person whom you trust. You need to give voice to your experiences...and you need to know that someone has heard you and understands the pain that you have endured. But at some point in that healing process...you need to shift your focus onto yourself and how you are going to live your life from that point forward. I have seen many survivors of abuse who get stuck in telling their stories and dredging up all sorts of painful memories and emotions in the process...and this only serves to keep them locked in their pain and prevents them from letting go and moving forward with their lives. In fact, this can be one of the dangers of being in therapy for long periods of time...and especially with a therapist who remains focused on your past and the abuse...and doesn't, at some point, help you shift your focus back to you in the present. Telling your stories is important...but healing will only come about when you fully take responsibility for your life, change the harmful patterns that you have continued, and let go of the pain.

YOU WILL ONLY BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY WHEN YOU LET GO OF YOUR SUFFERING!