Re: Emotional Abuse.. Why should I care?

PTree,
Thank you so much for your caring reply.

I don't treat my daughter at all like my mother treated (treats) me. I show her love and approval and acceptance. I guess, I learned something from my mother after all. To do just the opposite of what she did.

I do indeed abuse myself daily. I am 75 pounds over weight, smoke 2-3 packs of ciggaretts a day. I do not drink (my father was an abusive alcholic) I do not use or never have street drugs. I am however addicted to xanix, been taking them 3 times a day for almost 6 years now. My diet is poor (I love sugar.) I fill myself with candy and pepsi to feal better. Don't know why but it seems to work? I don't exercise like I should. Right now not at all. I suffer from OCD a mild case that intensfies during exterme stress. I am a picker. As in not a hair puller or cutter. My face has the scars to prove it. Not hideus but noticeable.

I just think if I am able to remove myself from my mother and step fathers constant ridcule and abuse. That I could get my life together and become the person I am meant to be. For example of my daily crap I take from them. One day last week, I forgot to turn on the outside light so when the step father came home, he screamed at me because he couldn't see to unlock on the door. Then he didn't speak to me for 2 days. (We live in a duplex).

If I am still sleeping at 8:30 ( my sleep patterns are strange up till 2-3 in the morning) my mother will come in my house, up to my bedroom, rip the covers off of me and tell me I am lazy and useless. This is a weekly thing. Because of my sleep habbits my husband who is up at 6:00 am every morning wakes up our 13 year old daughter at 7:00 and takes her to the bus stop and waits with her in the warm truck untill the bus comes. My mother says I am a rotten mother because I don't get up with her every morning. She's 13 years old, she's not alone.

As you can imagine I am severly depressed (even on my 175mg.) of Zoloft daily. I've had thoughts of sucide lately. I'm just so sick of this life. Then I ask myself "Do I really want to come back next time and do this all over again?" My answer use to be an immediate no way!, now I'm thinking about it.

Sad thing PTree is I've only told you the first 5 years and minimal bits and pieces of my present situation. I've yet to expand on the 5-10 year period, or the possible sexual abuse that causes me to almost vomit at the thought of having sex with my husband. Instead I hyperventalte. Imagine how sexy that is?? LOL

Then their is the death of my son, 8 years ago and feeling like a failure as a mother for not fighting any harder for him then I did. The fact I can not give my husband another son which he is VERY deserving of and my daughter another sibbling, which she so desires. My heart hearts (like a heart attack) even writing about it. I just don't feel like a woman anymore, I haven't for 8 years. I had a c-section with my son and had my tubes cut and burned at that time. Biggest mistake I ever made. Even though my husband doesn't want another child???

I have had years of therapy. I feel better for a little while. I believe the only way to completley recover is to remove the two problems from my life. I feel bad saying that. I do love my mother. She is also the type of person who will sream and yell at me, and 20 minutes later act like it never happened.

I'm so sorry for going on and on and on... I just want it all to end. I know I deserve the life I desire for myself and family.

I can't seem to let go of things. No matter how much or how hard I pray to let go of these hurtfull things they just seem to hang on.

Love,
Libra

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PTree,
Thank you so much for your caring reply.

I don't treat my daughter at all like my mother treated (treats) me. I show her love and approval and acceptance. I guess, I learned something from my mother after all. To do just the opposite of what she did.

I do indeed abuse myself daily. I am 75 pounds over weight, smoke 2-3 packs of ciggaretts a day. I do not drink (my father was an abusive alcholic) I do not use or never have street drugs. I am however addicted to xanix, been taking them 3 times a day for almost 6 years now. My diet is poor (I love sugar.) I fill myself with candy and pepsi to feal better. Don't know why but it seems to work? I don't exercise like I should. Right now not at all. I suffer from OCD a mild case that intensfies during exterme stress. I am a picker. As in not a hair puller or cutter. My face has the scars to prove it. Not hideus but noticeable.

I just think if I am able to remove myself from my mother and step fathers constant ridcule and abuse. That I could get my life together and become the person I am meant to be. For example of my daily crap I take from them. One day last week, I forgot to turn on the outside light so when the step father came home, he screamed at me because he couldn't see to unlock on the door. Then he didn't speak to me for 2 days. (We live in a duplex).

If I am still sleeping at 8:30 ( my sleep patterns are strange up till 2-3 in the morning) my mother will come in my house, up to my bedroom, rip the covers off of me and tell me I am lazy and useless. This is a weekly thing. Because of my sleep habbits my husband who is up at 6:00 am every morning wakes up our 13 year old daughter at 7:00 and takes her to the bus stop and waits with her in the warm truck untill the bus comes. My mother says I am a rotten mother because I don't get up with her every morning. She's 13 years old, she's not alone.

As you can imagine I am severly depressed (even on my 175mg.) of Zoloft daily. I've had thoughts of sucide lately. I'm just so sick of this life. Then I ask myself "Do I really want to come back next time and do this all over again?" My answer use to be an immediate yes, now I'm thinking about it.

Sad thing PTree is I've only told you the first 5 years and minimal bits and pieces of my present situation. I've yet to expand on the 5-10 year period, or the possible sexual abuse that causes me to almost vomit at the thought of having sex with my husband. Instead I hyperventalte. Imagine how sexy that is?? LOL

Then their is the death of my son, 8 years ago and feeling like a failure as a mother for not fighting any harder for him then I did. The fact I can not give my husband another son which he is VERY deserving of and my daughter another sibbling, which she so desires. My heart hearts (like a heart attack) even writing about it. I just don't feel like a woman anymore, I haven't for 8 years. I had a c-section with my son and had my tubes cut and burned at that time. Biggest mistake I ever made. Even though my husband doesn't want another child???

I have had years of therapy. I feel better for a little while. I believe the only way to completley recover is to remove the two problems from my life. I feel bad saying that. I do love my mother. She is also the type of person who will sream and yell at me, and 20 minutes later act like it never happened.

I'm so sorry for going on and on and on... I just want it all to end. I know I deserve the life I desire for myself and family.

I can't seem to let go of things. No matter how much or how hard I pray to let go of these hurtfull things they just seem to hang on.

Love,
Libra
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