Re: where **IS** confusedfriend87? n/m

Hi, CF87 --

I have a friend in her late 20s who had a very (verbally, mostly) abusive boyfriend for a couple of years. (She is not a "crazy bitch," I'll add -- although I have seen many women friends turn into just that when trying to stay in a relationship with a man who is difficult -- I'd ask you to reconsider your opinion of his girlfriend, as she may be a horrible person at the core, or she might have become one trying to change herself into the perfect GF for your friend.) Anyway, my friend Lori tried everything she could to love this guy, and they finally broke up when he dumped her for someone else. It was just as well as he seems to have forgotten her name by the end, and instead called her things like, well, "Crazy Bitch"!

He was in, as I imagine your friend must be, too, a great deal of pain. He had served a tour in Iraq and come back with some PTSD problems from that time, although he drank alocholically before he went (though it got worse when he came back). Anyway, he was a pretty miserable person (and I say that not in the mean or perjorative way, because I actually like this guy a lot and always have) but just carrying around a lot of pain that he didn't know what to do with. Real anger that he could not understand and explain, so he drank and was ugly instead.

Anyway, a few days ago Lori sent me an e-mail he wrote her apologizing for his behaviour, and where you could tell he had really done some work on understanding what he had done, how it affected her, etc. It was not about his wanting to get back together with her, or anything like that -- it was just the result of getting real clarity on the source of his problems (rage, fear) and how they manifested (drinking, being abusive with those less powerful than he). He said he would be willing to go to any lengths to make right his wrongs with her, although she was in real tears of gratitide about just getting the amends and seeing that he was doing better than better -- that he finally seemed to be free of what had haunted him and triggered all of his terrible behaviour around her.

Whatver the immediate "cause" of your friend's violence toward his girlfriend, at its root is fear, which manifests as anger and violent behaviour toward his girlfriend for him. (If not, he turns it inward toward himself and you have the suicide attempt.) The problem with the angry violence is that it is probably beyond your friend's control (i.e. when people say, "It was like a switch just flipped" and then they got violent). It is probably as hard for him to understand this as it is for you to understand it. If he is rational, kind, etc. most of the time (i.e. around you), then likely he is not a fundamentally violent person (i.e. the kind who should be locked up forever) but someone who is really suffering inside and doesn't have the tools to get beyond that. (And probably should not be involved in an intimate relationship, though that is just my opinion.)

Your strength as a friend is your biggest asset. You obviously care about him, and see a lot of good in him (or you would not be seeking advice and experience from a bunch of strangers). This is a great time to communicate this to him, as he is probably, as I mentioned above, very confused, and also beating himself up, so to speak, over this. (NB: I am not excusing his behavior.) Part of what we do as friends for people is to love them unconditionally, and that may include, in this situation for you, to offer that support and to abstain from judgment (by the same token, you can't support any excuse he may offer for his behaviour, either). Something along the lines of, "You are such a good person, and I sense that you are as baffled by this as I am." Another part of being a friend is seeing the best in people, and this would be a good time to point out what you like about him, and why you are his friend in the first place. With another goal concomitant in friendship, which is to stand by someone as they make an effort to heal, get better, and mend their lives.

I hope your friend gets to the same place as my friend's ex-boyfriend did, where he is able to understand and change and move on. It's great you are concerned and helpful -- so many people in your place would not know what to do, and would stay away from their friend as a result, leaving them more isolated, lonely, and depressed. Give him a call and say, "I know all of this is hard for you but I am here for you," and I'm sure it will make both of you feel better. He really needs your support.

Best wishes to you,

Laura Tweet