Re: Abusive Friend- what do I do? He is still you

I strongly disagree with the opinion that being a good friend to this perpetrator is a good idea, "...One that can't see him as anything other than his friend. He knows the behavior is inappropriate, you don't have to remind him." If the original poster MUST continue being a "good friend" to this person, I would only encourage it with the strongest of warnings: abuse begets abuse and violence begets violence. If an individual is abused by someone (parent, sibling, co-worker, partner, spiritual leader), that abuse rolls downhill to the grocery clerk, the school principal, the person in the vehicle ahead, and innocent children who have no voice. Just like shit, abuse rolls downhill and causes unimaginable collateral damage to human beings who aren't even remotely involved in the lives of the perpetrator and victim(s) and have never even met either of them. This particularly includes "friends." Leaving one's Self open to hear the excuses of an abuser is leaving one's Self open to their own fair share of abuse, whether it manifests itself physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, sexually, or verbally.

It is imperative that any human being who insists upon maintaining an association with an abusive personality set strict boundaries - I will not tolerate derrogatory statements regarding other human beings; I will not tolerate being drawn into your personal quarrels; I will not tolerate being expected to take sides; I will not tolerate dishonesty; etc. Once the perpetrator has crossed the boundary, it's time to protect the Self and create distance. Being a friend and accepting (even defending) this person's behaviors for what they are is a very, very dangerous place to be. He SHOULD be reminded of his "inappropriate" behaviors. This man's behaviors are not only "inappropriate," but they are legally defined as criminal actions. Assault. Violence. Period.

There is also what is termed in many theological and social circles as, "Truth in Love." That is stating cold, hard facts in an expression of unconditional love. This exercise requires intense practice and can often backfire, particularly if the perpetrator is exceedingly manipulative. Sentences are never begun with the words, "If you love me, then you will ______." We start our sentence in this manner, "Because I love you and care for you, you may want to think about __________ before I can hang out with you, again. This is for my protection, as well as your healing."

In the original poster's message, I read much more than was posted and he or she is in a perilously dangerous space with this perpetrator and is using language that (intentionally or not) defends the actions of a violent individual. The threat of suicide, alone, is a scream for help and the original poster is not the person who can administer that help, in any way. If, indeed, the perpetrator is intent upon suicide, he needs immediate intervention and not a scapegoat for his tantrums.

I recommend the sites that I posted, as well as hundreds of others, as a source of education on the dynamics of domestic violence and abuse, as well as victims' dynamics.

Again, my best wishes. Tweet