Re: #77290 - thank you

I read this whole thread, and kinda deep-sighed over some of this, and felt that I wanted to add to it. I have read several self-deprecating statements that you have written, and these statements are very familiar to me, as I spoke in the language that you use for years. I will give you an example, and mind you, I am paraphrasing:"I am such a nice guy, and women don't appreciate it *deep sigh*, I don't care a thing about myself, just so SHE'S happy *deep sigh*, I know, I know, it's all my fault, I should know better, but I don't, I am just a man *deep, sad sigh*,I will simply carry on with the burden of being such a noble, yet misunderstood person *deeeeep sigh,all air gone from the lungs, head down*". This is very noble martyrdom, and demonstrates a deep underlying issue.I was the female version of you. For many years I was anger and pain disguised as the Nice Girl Who Just Wanted Happiness for Others and was So Misunderstood. Translate into reality: Martyr. My "suffering" looked commendable to the people around me. I got a lot of pity from friends when I would sadly relate how he just couldn't accept the niceness and love that I gave to him. I had the constant attention and sympathy of others for my long-suffering. It looks good, but looking back, I made myself, my friends and even my mate miserable. He was a cheater, lacking in intimacy and fidelity, true, but I look back and know that even HE didn't deserve my *deep sighing* and *long suffering* - what an irritating twit I must have been.

"I apologize if I have offended the women of the world. I am just a man."

Now that is one big boo-hoo statement, and if you are like I was, you are not REALLY, sincerely apologetic, you are simply hanging on the cross again. And with the nails of self-pity in your hands and feet, you are unable to move to change. All you can do is hang there with your sad Eeyore face on, big sad eyes looking down at the ground. The posters here specifically told you that we are not offended, yet you are still saying I am sorry, and that is a martyrs' mode of operation. "I am just a man" (read in adjectives: lowly, unworthy, incapable of rising above gender ideas), and that is another self-depracating statement.

Now, before you start to think I am against you, or that you offended me, let me state this as clearly as I can. I am NOT chastising you with any malice. The best friends that a person can have are the ones that tell you the truth about you. So you have lots of friends on Curezone! What I am saying to you I am saying because I have had the experience of being a "nice person victim", and the quality of my life and the lives of people around me suffered. I sighed and stayed in unhappy situations a long long time, and people eventually move away from a Long Sufferer. If you do not get a handle on this behavior, you will be unable to find someone who actually appreciates the good things you have - because you can't have this attitude and behavior with someone who does. You will attract people who will use the hell out of you because if you have someone who doesn't then how can you *deep sigh, contemplate your nice guy belly-button* and APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR EXISTANCE?
My hope for you is that you recognize this passive-agressive victim stance that you take, and take the steps toward change, so that your story will have a happy ending. If you go to the Pearly Gates, do you think They will ask you "how long and hard did you suffer?" or "did you enjoy and make use of the precious life I gave you - did you have FUN?"

You cannot have the Sponsoring Thought "I am insufficiently equipped for relationship" and have a real relationship. It is impossible. It is spiritual law.

So in a way, you are right. You ARE responsible for the failed relationship. But that is simply because of physics. You believe in failed relationship, and work very hard (don't give me the i am a nice guy stuff) to make them fail. You attract, ask your Self why. And guess what - there is a woman on the other side, who is responsible for the failed relationship, TOO. Her selfishness or frigid attitudes are the PERFECT accompaniment for your Sponsoring Thoughts. Change those thoughts, allow yourself to forgive yourself, practice not being such a Pitifully Nice Guy ( be nice, just stop doing it like 'look at meeee, look how good i am, look,look i'm nice), stop bearing niceness like an albatross around your neck and celebrate the quality of nice, and you will attract nice. Once you stop despising niceness and seeing it as weakness, things will change. It has to, it is spiritual law.

Ok, that is my long-winded statement. Think about it. Tweet