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This message had been posted a number of times over the years, and it's always helpful to anyone who might be confused or living within the environment of abuse and domestic violence. Just because special holidays or milestones come up does not mean that an abuser's promise to "change" or "get better" is going to come to fruition. It won't.
https://www.curezone.org/forums/fm.asp?i=796401
Read on:
"'Tis the Season for victims of abuse, narcissism, and/or sociopathy to be WARY. Holidays are the perfect time for an abuser to act out with impugnity - he/she has the excuse of being stressed, under the proverbial gun, and being financially "strapped." All of these ingredients bake up for serious trouble, to be sure.
In my case, the days preceding whatever event were peppered with a lot of withold/reward episodes, especially with regard to the children. For example, my abuser would say (behind closed doors, of course), "If you don't get your parents to help us pay for Christmas, the kids won't have anything to open!" Or, another favorite was, "You aren't 'authorized' to use the checkbook. I earn the money that goes into that account." Under that directive, we went several Holidays without what I would consider to be a proper Thanksgiving or Christmas meal. I mean, come on! Hot dogs for Christmas? Knowing the numerous facets of abuse finally helped me to recognize what a codependant victim I had become! Spiritual, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, religious, and verbal abuse all have one thing in common: dehumanizing the victim. And, I experienced all of the above symptoms to one degree or another for well over a decade until I realized that I was too fearful to commit suicide, and that I didn't want to murder my abuser and leave my kids without a parent.
"But, what about the children? They shouldn't have to see their father/mother taken off by the cops on Christmas!" is a typical response of denial. Children absorb everything that they are exposed to: music, art, poetry, beatings, verbal abuse, denial, etc. What they observe in their family dynamics is what they will equate to normality. If not for one's Self, the victims of abuse must take a proactive step to safeguard innocent lives that had no choice in whom their parents would be. In addition, a child will recognize that abusive behavior will not be tolerated.
"But, I love him/her and he/she loves me!" is another response that is not only typical, but textbook (my case, included!). No, an abuser does not, DOES NOT, DOES NOT love their victims. The abuser only loves one thing: control, control, and more control over his/her property. And, those qualities that the victims fell in love with never existed - the kind, caring, giving person that seemed to exist was a facade intended to reel in the unsuspecting victim. To the abuser, the victim holds no more meaning than any other object - the victim is equated to property (and, this is NOT flattering, folks), much like a straw that one places in a fast-food drink.
Be aware of the reward/withold tactic. If your partner starts to exhibit a more-than-usual level of glee with regard to your emotional discomfort, be very, very wary - he/she is setting the stage for a round of abuse that could possibly end in violence. If the violence starts, CALL THE COPS! Pack your stuff, your kids' stuff, and call a family member (if your partner hasn't managed to isolate you from them, yet), and get to a safe place, whether it's a friend, family member, or shelter. No matter what promises that the abuser makes in an attempt to draw back his/her victim(s), they must not be taken as bond - I know this from personal experience. Once the victim goes back, the situation may be smooth for a week or month, but once there's an opportunity to further dehumanize and objectify the victim, whatever abuse that the victim was experiencing prior to leaving will become much worse, more violent, and extend to the children (if it hasn't, already). If you are planning on leaving, make your plans in absolute secret and contact your local Social Services office, ASAP (from a pay phone, if necessary) - they will be able to direct you to safe housing, employment opportunities, and priceless counseling. They will also be able to put you in contact with Legal Aid and/or attorneys that specialize in abuse cases. The abuse counselors will be able to prepare the survivor for what they can expect from the abuser and how to prepare.
Best wishes of the Season to all out there, particularly those who are living in fear, misery, and hopelessness. There is a better space of peace and self-assurance, and ridding myself of the denial was the first step to surviving and healing. God bless!"
I am so sorry that you've jumped from the fire into the frying pan.
It might be a very wise option to choose to get out of this relationship, seek some intensive trauma counseling, attend a domestic violence support group, and do some serious recovery and healing before attempting another relationship. It is definitely one of many choices available to you.
One of the better clues for you in this situation is that he is in police custody. This means that he doesn't care. Not only about the neighbors, but about you, because you have been left to "explain away" his behaviors and smooth things over with the neighbors. It is definitely this man who is acting out his violent tendencies, but some self-examiniation with the guidance of a therapist might help you to identify why the self-esteem and self-confidence is so low that you're settling for abusers. If there were dysfunctional dynamics in your family when you were a child, this might have a huge impact upon how you view yourself and the world, in general.
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www.familyarrested.com
Best wishes to you
Did you read the accusatory response on CureZone, or another site? If you read it on one of the CZ religious debate forums, I will offer this insight with regard to such judgemental thinking: someone who believes that another human being "invites" being raped is full of hatred. Period. They hate what they are, they hate what they aren't, they hate what they see, they hate what they think, they hate others for their humanity, and they hate God for whatever reason, but they continue to espouse what they twist and warp as "God's Message" to soothe their own inner turmoil without realizing that they're perpetuating their own angst and not, by any stretch of the imagination, following some very simple lessons. People who respond in such a way to a violent criminal assault against other human beings suffer a complete absence of human empathy and/or compassion. These people are to be avoided, at all costs, both online and in "Real Life." They are rabid in their flawed beliefs, and there is no cure for rabies that has gone that far.
One of the saddest reasons that the act of rape is diminished and made light of is becaue of the misguided belief that rape is simply about sex. It's not. It's the defining act of objectification, humiliation, and degradation that can be perpetrated upon another human being because it is accomplished via sexual assault.
The reason that many rape victims are dismissed as having "asked for it" is equally sad. There are men and women, out there, who have accused others of perpetrating this most heinous crime for their own purposes - to pay someone out for dumping them, ignoring them, or even something as mundane as creating drama. The same happens with people who falsely report child abuse - too many people have made false accusations, and the actual victims are dismissed and the crimes diminished because of previous false accusations. The courts are clogged with false allegations, and my personal belief is that anyone who is proven to have made a false allegation should compensate the accused, AND the community by way of punitive damages and volunteer work with any agency or facility that actually helps victims of crime.
The only way to manage this type of ignorance is to speak truthfully, without anger, high-pitched emotions, or finger-wagging. Speak the facts, regardless of whether they're pleasant or not. Speak the truth, even if the truth isn't personally flattering. But, don't feed the rapid wingnuts by responding to such outrageous beliefs. Whether we "like" this fact, or not, wingnuts are "allowed" to maintain any beliefs that they wish to, regardless of whether those beliefs are based upon facts, or upon hatred. Responding to such stupidity only gives such toxic individuals an excuse to go on ranting and raving, and spreading their warped and twisted interpretations. Meet that kind of bad behavior with silence and "shunning." That, dear one, is the core of "turning the other cheek." Turning our cheeks in the opposite direction of hatred and wilfull ignorance is punishment enough and does not allow for the other cheek to be struck, again. Walk away from it, without rage, hatred, or anger. Those people are what they are, and we don't have the power to fix what ails them.
Build your own system of beliefs on what you observe. Base them upon truths and facts, and NOT upon what others might interpret to fit their own personal agendas.
Sadly, there are, indeed, individuals out there that are full of hatred, and they are known in the psychiatric/psychological communities as "anti-social," or, "sociopaths," simply put. It is estimated that 20% of all human beings on this planet are sociopaths or psychopaths.
If a person meets the criteria of a sociopath, they do not have a conscience - this means precisely what it sounds like. They do not have a sense of remorse. They do not have compassion. They do not have pity. They do not have empathy. They mimic whatever human responses that they observe to "fit in," and they are (to the knowelgable eye) 100% disingenuous, glib, and over-the-top in their mirroring. Just because a person doesn't have a kill-count does not mean that they don't meet any of the criteria. The psychological and psychiatric communities are confounded by this facet of Human Nature, and have attempted to define it on a number of occasions. Recently, the DSM-V was released after being revised, again, and under extremely hostile conditions. Many of the "experts" either refused to agree, or were unable to agree on specifics. Some of these professionals on the revision board were fired, while others stood up and walked out, never to return.
For these people, harming others is a primary objective, whether that harm is the result of climbing a corporate ladder, or taking sexual liberties with someone, or setting up a vulnerable widow for a long-con. They do the things that they do because they can. They find excitement and gratification in the hunt, chase, and demise of their victims, literally, or figuratively. They do not "feel" the way that their victims do - they can't. For whatever reason (genetically, environmentally, or both), they are unable to feel emotions. And, what "mainstream" human beings do, today, is to attempt to assign a more warm-and-fuzzy perception and definition of this facet of Human Nature. These types of people have always existed, and they always shall until the end of humanity. At one point in the human story, I imagine that these types of people had some "purpose."
How psychopaths, sociopaths, and anti-social individuals choose their victims is quite simple: they observe and watch for vulnerabilities that they can exploit. A rapist, for example, literally seeks a victim with specific vulnerabilities and traits - this has been extensively documented and discussed. Still, knowing this, a person simply cannot "know" what any human predator will be looking for, and it is very exhausting to live in constant fear. The sociopaths that have not been arrested, charged, or imprisoned for their choices, actions, and behaviors are countless. They move in the "mainstream" and they have families, careers, pets, etc. If you have ever interacted with a sociopath, you would have either felt extremely flattered, or extremely uncomfortable. They each (without variation) will observe a potential prey with what is known in the profession as "the predatory stare." This is not "normal" eye-contact. The predatory stare is intense and unwavering so the individual can observe and mentally catalog every physical, verbal, and subtle nuance of the potential victim. It is similar to the posture of a hunting cheetah - eyes locked onto a possible prey, and never wavering until the hunt is either successful, or it isn't.
One interesting discussion that I had with regard to sociopaths was the fact that they have pets. "But, s/he loves their pet so much!" this person was saying. I was simply unable to prove that the woman that was being discussed was mirroring what she believed to be "normal" behaviors. She seemed as if she "loved" her pets, but she only "loved" them whenever it was convenient for her - i.e., in front of guests and fawning all over her canine as if it were a child. Well, it was over-the-top acting, plain and simple and all of her acting was so extreme that she was obviously disingenuous. Strict aside, the individual that we were discussing spent 3 years in a women's prison for her choices and behaviors, and another 6 on parole, and she never stopped doing what landed her in prison, the first time - she just altered her methods and tactics, and was (at last contact) very successful with her exploits.
"Acceptance" is a point where there can be no further negotiations, bargaining, or manipulation of the facts to generate a more pleaseant outcome. These people exist - fact. There is no pill, supplement, protocol, hypnosis, Divine Intervention, or personal epiphany that is going to "cure" them from this disorder - fact. Even the "experts" cannot agree on how to manage these types of individuals - fact. The "professional" estimate is that 20 out of every 100 people that you pass on the street do not have a conscience, remorse, or empathy - fact.
When we accept that these people really do exist, for whatever reason, and that we cannot ever "know" who they really are and/or treat and/or "cure" them, then we can get on with the matter of attending to ourselves and learning how to protect our precious vulnerabilities. We can stop attempting to fit the square pegs into the round holes, and move on.
Having been a victim (on every level, imaginable) of crime and misdemeanors, an advocate, and peer-counselor, I can say that victim-blame is typical, and whether or not it is rooted in ignorance, fear, shame, or simple hatred doesn't matter to a victim, one iota. Being invalidated and dismissed is simply another metaphorical violation. This is why there are Victims' Advocates - someone who is not personally involved in the trauma has the ability to approach the needs of their clients with objectivity, sensibilities, and assisting in recovery and healing.
I meant to address the discussion, above, about people who engage in victim-blame in the names of their chosen deities. Take various cultural and religious beliefs that make a rape victim responsible for the "shame" that is brought to their family and stoning the victim, to death, to relieve the family of the victim of the "shame," legally. If that isn't hatred, ignorance, and straight-up psychopathological thinking, then I cannot imagine any other examples in human history that would suffice. And, there are plenty of groups and organizations that hold fast to the belief that the victim must have done something to warrant what happened to them. I've been present at some of these events where someone who contracted AIDS literally asked for and deserved it because they were homosexual.
I watched, with my own eyes, a male police officer who was a church member that atttended regularly actually ridicule a man who was in the station filing charges of domestic violence against his wife - his face was lacerated and he was visibly shaking. The officer said something along the lines of, "Whassamatta? Can't you control the little woman?" This same officer was, years later, investigated by Internal Affairs for having raped female drivers that he had pulled over for some offense. This was long before on-board video cameras, and this is just one example of hatred and victim-blame that I am personally acquainted with.
Victim-blame is THE "go-to" response for people who have never experienced a criminal or civil assault. There is no warm-and-fuzzy facet to victim-blame. It is what it is, and we can try to explain it away in any terms that we can, but it's still just another type of violation against the victim.
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