My dear anonimous friend,

Your thoughts during your marriage reflect mine exactly. And after pondering all the angles, including not only the spiritual but even possible carmic lessons and connections, you sooner or later start thinking about yourself.

I think that what makes this whole thing harder is that I have advanced on some personal lever quite a lot during and after the therapy. I wasn't like I was a nutcase, or a maniac, just that T.A. helped me get out of the "box".

And that's where the "problem" is - you learn to say "I". Or - "I learned to say "I".
:-)

But she didn't. So while I am seeing our relationship for what it is - a codependency forced on me thanks to her inability to trully love and my patience, she is not seeing anything. She can only feel, and she knows it's not good. But she has no means of ratioanly coming to a conclusion, it seems, so she rushes into conclusions. And conclusions revolve around everything either being my fault, or being her hopeless problem that she best hide from everyone. Depending on the mood, she swings from one to the other; I think she mostly thinks it's all her "fault" (as if she's "broken"). In her words - "I f...ed up"

And that's where I start thinking how much good is this doing to her at all and to me too...

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!

Autumn,

In my favorite style I'll say - YOU ROCK! :-)

And what's interesting is - I also have a flu. Although no fever.

If you don't mind writing again, or at least for your reading pleasure, I'll try to respond to some of the questions you asked or suggested:


"About whether you are asking too much... If you were to keep changing the bar all the time, sure; like if you want the kitchen floor perfect when you come home one night and everything hot on the stove the next and she has to be decked out like a swan diva the next, then that would be hard."

I am in that respect the most easy going husband on the planet. That's the reason why I am writing this. I need to know, as I have proven in the past in other things, whether I am not expecting enough. I don't expect her to have to cook for us all the time. I don't even expect her to plan it every time - regardless of what the plan is. But, she will go even further: I'd come back from a trip or working like a maniac really late (middle of the night, although I don't do that any more) and she'd be sitting and watching TV. That's not a problem; the problem is that there is nothing in the fridge, there is no food at all, stores are closed, and she's hungry as am I. And I figure - she must've thought of something that I am missing here... but no - there was never any plan.

I did get openly angry a few times about this, and am happy to say that it has not happened again - at least not that badly. Maybe she screws up, but she'd appologize and try to fix the situation.

The rule about food applies to whoever is not working late that is - so I am in charge of dinner if she's out late too. But I don't screw up, although I tend to opt for an easy solution - dinner in a restaurant.


"Are there any little lines you can draw that are modest but very consistent? Like "Gosh, that tone of voice doesn't seem to be enlisting my cooperation. Would you care to try another?" "

I haven't tried that, but will - sounds great! There is one I picked from a movie - when she asks in a demanding tone some probing question implying doubt - 'Can I try 80's pop music please?'


"Is it all from abuse? Sure possible, but it's also hard to draw that direct connection. There's oodles of us abuse survivors around, but we all react differently. Some of us are so bland and sweet you could tell us we're Romulans and we'll say Ok Sir whatever you want I'll believe you. Or scared to spend a dollar, or scrubbing the front steps with a Brillo pad to keep the neighbors happy."

In a way she's like that. But that's not genuine, that's just when fear takes over- and fear is her 'guiding light'; she mostly does the opposite - pissing off neighbors or close to pissing them off... she's the loud one in our appartment.

One thing she has a trouble with is letting go. She just remembers everything from past, and will bring up things (even positive not only negative) that I am amazed she remembers. I can put those negative things in perspective easily. Like - her father called her a name when she was only 5. OK, did you ever do something like that to a kid by accident or because maybe you were tired? (she works with kids btw and is very good with them! She's their favorite.). Then she'd remember she did. So - your father is capable of making same mistakes. And if he didn't you'd never know it was wrong in the first place right? So she thinks about that for a minute, and then goes "Yeah, but it still doesn't make it right what he did to me... and I did that only once, and he did it like million times...". And she's back at the begining.


"With whom is she really happy and comfy?"

No one. Her family really sucks, I've noticed too. They are either too critical, and she's always been their favorite punching bag. I can barely have a decent conversation with them... and I am easy going. (she's not easy though so she gets into arguments with them quickly)

She doesn't really maintain her friendships either. She moved a bit as a kid, so that didn't help, but I've also noticed that somehow she's not that good at making friends. Everyone has some issue that she notices and dislikes them for it. A lot of times she's right, as I am almost too understanding with people so that helps me avoid trouble; but even with OK people, she doesn't have a habit of getting together with them or making plans for visits and fun...

Even her favorite pet - her family dog - died. She also doesn't belong to any groups or anything. She'd be quick to spot anything wacky there, it would have to be one perfect group to join... and she probably doesn't like the idea of being close to people, I think she has anxiety about that.


"Where does she get to really lose herself in something beautiful and enjoyable in the sense of communion? Watching sea waves or playing the tuba or whatever. Some place where she can just create or commune with something good."

Good question - nature, especially coast like Hawaii or California. Although she was not born in CA, she loves it there and the nature. Also she loves animals... not in a zoo - that's not nice (and I agree), but in the wild. I've been planning for years to take her to a place where she could swim with wild dolphins, and I've learned of a couple of places like that (Costa Rica). But nothing with people. She's pretty cinical that way, or rather - extremely cautios, while I am quite the opposite. And this is one area where she actually might be right - I've been burned by dishonesty and duplicity more then once, she hasn't.


"Who are the people in her life who really know her well AND have her best interests at heart? Meeting those people and watching them together might be an interesting thing. Now some of our oldest friends & family are people we act a role with, so this doesn't always work, but... where is she happy?"

See, that's one thing I've tried to encourage. The place where we are right now is the place where she grew up (but she hated it due to bad school and issues with parents), so I hoped that she would have an easier time connecting with people here, or maybe finding an old friend. Well, no luck. There are some dissadvantages to being here, and she mostly concentrates on those.


"What are her life dreams?"

To live in Hawaii or something like that. So I tell her - 'what can you do to have that dream come true?' and she thinks I am attacking her and gets angry.


"What thing does she want to do in this world that nobody else can do as well? Sometimes working on that can really help, even if it is a little kitchen garden or volunteering with girls' softball. Sometimes those things are easy to overlook but important."

There are things she'd like to do, but she's not working at them - they are more of a fantasy. Come to think of it - her WHOLE LIFE is a fantasy. She told me how whenever she shuts down, in her mind she speaks to me! And she has fantasies about sex with me, and things she'd do and whatnot, but never tries them. Why? She doesn't know.

She also took over some of my responsibilities as I am more of a "freelancer" then a regular employee (it's the type of the job), but many times she did her stuff badly, but she got really upset when I suggested we hire a secretary... Now she is only staying at home due to reasons which I will mention at the end of this message.


"Then, what are those connection things or activities for you? You deserve to take really good care of yourself too, in the sense of uplifting spiritual activities or jogging at 5 am or whatever helps you keep your equanimity and perspective."

Thank you! I do, but there is little time left when your wife is incapable of doing simple stuff like paying a telephone bill or buying food. Plus my work these days is absolutely crazy, mainly because I choose that and because it may quite well allow me to pretty much retire or at least not think about income any more... The problems with my wife go way back though. Current situation is not helping of course.


"The vacations and all sound lovely, but one really nice thing for a couple is to go do something regular and ordinary that really brightens even a very small piece of the world. Every Thursday night or whatever. Or for you to do it alone and have fun with it and she has an open invitation to join in. I read somewhere that this is ideally creating or accomplishing something good, not just eating out or being a spectator or talking or snuggling, but actually doing something."

That's interesting. And that's where I have a bit of a problem with her - she mostly gets these ideas which are impossible - like "Oh it'd be great if we could now go shopping near Opera in Paris..." or "I hate this weather, why aren't we in Hawaii" or it would be an expensive dinner, or going out to a place which is far. No ideas that are simple and equally good. I usually have to come up with those.

"So as a couple, what is your mission that no other couple has, and that together you can do better than alone?"

There are ideas about that (personal, so I'll skip them), especially about having kids. She and I see pretty much eye to eye in that respect which is great. And that brings me to something I didn't want to mention earlier as I was strictly interested in how people see the relationship not the situation: she just gave a birth to our first kid a few months ago. If there was no kid for some reason, who knows, maybe by now we would be separated or at least on our way to do that. I've said to her a few times that I don't care for our relationship as it's not getting better only worse, no matter what I do (and she didn't do much). Her response to that was something like 'well you never loved me so that doesn't surprise me, go, leave, you've always wanted to do that'.

But since we have a baby, I really want to give our kid the childhood it deserves (avoiding here to say if it's a boy or a girl on purpose). If she can be at least somewhat decent mother and wife, then I am willing to sacrifice myself for that kids childhood. Even if his parents don't totaly adore each other (although if I left I know she'd be horribly heart broken - dont even know how she would recover, seriously!)
Now, so far as a mom, she's been pretty good, although it's me getting all the info about the baby from the net, not her. And getting her doctors, and what not... the other day I got a little pissed again, and said that even if she was holding the baby 24/7 she could still pick up the phone and dial a few numbers, so she did that yesterday (probably seeing me sick helped).

So, so far as a mom, and me as a dad, it's been ok-ish, although it's really baby that's bringing all the joy. She's genuinly concerned and really adores our baby - and I do too. We almost seem like a perfect family. But I know that this is great except there is no sex (not only because of the pregnancy and delivery which are a factor), and there is very little chance that she won't go off like a loose cannon again.

Imagine meeting almost every day some women who'd kill to be with me. I am not exaggarating; and a lot of them are beautifull, and sexy, and smart, and all that, and I go home to a woman who doesn't really appreciate me or doesn't show it, and who doesn't care that we don't or can't have sex (the only good thing is that people appreciate me even more as they know that I don't care to notice how pretty someone is; if I wasn't married, I don't know if I'd be like that though! :-)). OTOH, spiritually, she's way ahead of them, even with all her bad behavoir and problems, she's more honest in her heart and better person then most if not all of them. She's a great person on the inside, that never gets to show that to the rest of the world. She's also like a split personality (although not a psycho) where she's super sweet today (real her), and total bitch tomorrow (due to some anger and frustration). Just when I realize that she's really wonderfull, she shows the other side which is pure hell. And both are her.