Re: need your prayers and advise!

The load is beginning to lift and I thank you all so very much.
Ever since I was a child she has treated me this way. I always had a nervous problem because of it and the abuse she received from my father. My dad is another story , he really doesn't care about anyone. He will help but he does it in increments. I have a father and I should be thankful for that. I have made mistakes in the pasts but looking back on it, they werent that bad. I was a normal teenager. She would blow things to the nth power. I have lashed out on occasions with a few curse words. This started recently. I noticed when I was in the word and a christian she still came at me full force. I never did much wrong in high school. I was a clutz; this really got her worked up. Everything seems to. I will admit a lot of this is wearing on me now and I am going down a really dark path. I wonder sometimes if I have lapsed into autism. I look through tunnel vision everyday. feels like an out of body experience. I know I have been wrong for cursing at her at times, but she really cuts at my core! Shaking me from the root. I dont want to have another nervous breakdown. I dont want to not be able to walk outside of the home like I did before. I do deserve better. I deserve the right to love myself. I can not smile or be happy around her without her trying to make me sad or hurt. It feels like I am coming apart at the seams. I dont see how I am able to wake up and make it. Within my eyes you see the hurt ,the pain, a lost soul. You see this in a matter of minutes. I am so paranoid when talking to people. I just don't want anyone to feel the way my own mother feels about me. Let me clarify here! I have done nothing wrong. We live in the same home and I cant walk through the house if shes walking through it. I can only do it when shes done and shes off in her room. God I pray for sense of being! My mind! I used to be so intellegent. I can barely finish a sentence now. What has become of me.

We are not haitian at all. she means that she will go and have it done one me..voodoo. When she says she will do something to me. It means if I dont give her the money she will most likely threaten me with her gun. She has said this to others on the phone and it has always been implied.I tried to leave and pack my things one day. We (she) had a bad arguement with me. I was having another out of body experience. She heard me in the room backing . she walks the floor waiting for me to come out, then drags something heavy against my door. I heard something heavy against the door. Metallic. I am certain it was her gun.
I know this sounds serreal , I really wish this was made up. But its my life and I have lived it over and over again. Its what I think about when I wake up.
Implode. Tweet