Hi Kat. I'm so sorry I didn't notice your reply to my posting until now. For some reason, your reply was seperated from the rest of the replies and in it's own indentation so I didn't notice it. Man, I'm sorry for what you went through too. I know exactly how you feel. I guess I could understand about not being able to confront your abuser because I was so scared to tell anyone or confront Dave too. Dave had me so scared of him with his violence and threats that I didn't end up telling my mom or the police. I finally ended up telling my best friend. I think it's because he was my age and I felt less ashamed than telling an adult. But I have to tell you, even though my life's still been difficult after telling I'm sure glad I did tell. If you don't it will eat at you until you do. Does your parents know what happened? If your Mom is anything like my Mom, I hope she'll be there to support you for your sake. And believe me, I know about self blame. I blamed myself too. I kept thinking because I'm a boy, I should have been strong enough to fight Dave off of me. I felt like I should have done anything to stop it but I didn't. I just let it continue almost every day for four months until I finally got so scared from the bleeding and pain in my rectum that I told mainly so I could go to the doctor to see if I had some disease. But either way, it's not our faults as to what happened to us. I know that now. And please let anyone in that will love and support you whether it be your parents, gaurdian or friends. If you isolate yourself, you'll never get better. I know this for a fact, because I know I couldn't do this without my Mom, friends and even the wonderful advice I've gotten from the people here. I'm so sorry you felt so bad about yourself that you felt you had to hurt yourself through cutting and drugs. That is so sad because you shouldn't be the one hurting anymore, the one hurting now should be that sick bastard that hurt you. Have you ever considered counseling? You really should. I know at our age we might think it's embarressing to go to counseling but there are times like this where we have to put our pride aside in order to help make ourselves whole again. I've been going for a couple of weeks now with my Mom and in that short time it's been very helpful. I really hope you realise you're a good person and worth something and know that that evil person that touched you isn't even worth the dirt off the bottom of your shoe. I hope you have the same kind of support that I do and I do want to encourage you to let your loved ones in as much as possible and to consider counseling. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I can feel your pain. I hope it gets healed soon. Maybe we can help heal each other in knowing that we are not alone. Take care, JTM.