First i want to say that i am sorry... im 17 and a victim like yourself so i know what you are going through... i still havent confronted my abuser and its been 4 years. im still plagued by the images and because of it ive been through drug abuse and self punishment (cutting and burning) because i blame myself. im now in out-patient rehab and depressed all the time because i feel like ive given up, if you need someone to talk to im here.Things will get better. i promise. im here to help with anything i can.


xoxo,
kat

I (the 14yr old boy) just wanted to write back to let you all know that everything is working out better than I thought it would.

Mom and I are both going to joint counseling to help get over this. It has been very helpful into realizing just how much my Mom felt guilty for not being able to protect me and how her love for this man turned to hate as soon as she found out that he hurt me.

It made me realize that I didn't have to worry that she'd have taken Dave's side over mine if I had told her, because she wouldn't have. Mom is trying to overcome her feelings of guilt and helplessness while I try to get over the feelings of shame and dirtyness.

Since this has all happened, I am having a tough time not feeling dirty and bad about myself, however this counselor has been so understanding. Her name is Ginny and she just listens and she doesn't judge me, she just makes me feel comfortable talking about those most humilIating, painful times he raped me. I feel better having Mom and I do this together.

If one thing good came out of this, it has brought my Mom and I even closer together. And as for the kids at school, surprisingly not a single one has mocked me or looked at me funny. A lot of the kids came up to me and said how sorry they were that I went through that and that they wouldn't know what they'd do if it happened to them. They said I was brave.

That made me shed tears because I had been feeling not brave at all. My friends have been so supportive and even the teachers have as well. It's been such a relief to me knowing I don't have to hang my head down in shame while walking the school halls.

And best of all, the district attorney has met with my Mom and I and has told us that we have a good case against Dave because of the medical records of my internal injuries, the semen found inside my rectum, and his semen found on my underclothes collected as evidence.

They are presenting all this damaging evidence to "Dave" to see if he stops denying the charges and pleads guilty to spare me having to testify at a trial. But if it does come to a trial and I have to testify, the district attorney assured my Mom and I that we have a strong case and that he believes that a jury would find Dave guilty and he'd have a lenghty prison sentence.

I'm not too happy with the idea of having people looking at me as I tell complete strangers about all the disgusting things Dave did to me but if it will put him in jail away from me and my Mom then it will be worth it.

So for the most part, things are getting a little better day by day. I still have trouble sleeping at night and have nightmares and I get much more startled when someone comes up behind me but I am working hard on trying to get better.

I want my life back and I want to be a kid again. I want to feel good about myself again and not feel dirty anymore. But one thing I know is that I am loved by my Mom completely and by my friends and family and that alone will help get me through this.

As for all of you that gave me such caring advice and support, thank you so much. I am so glad I did an internet search and it brought me to this site. You all have helped me more than you know. I know that most, if not all of you are female victims but you still opened up your hearts to a boy victim, when unfortunately boys don't get much support.

Thank you all, especially you BlueRose who seemed so caring and worried about me and also SoulfulSurvivor for your kind words and great advice.
I really think you helped me find the courage to tell.

In fact, I showed my Mom this site today and she read what I wrote which made her cry and then she read what you all wrote as advice and she wants to thank you all for taking care of her boy when she couldn't.

Thank you all so much!

Thank you so much Bluerose and Soulfulsurvivor for such nice and encouraging words. You two are so very kind.

Like I said before, I'm so glad I found this forum.

I wanted to share the happy and relieving news that I finally got my HIV tests results back and they are negative. I was so worried because it was taking so long for the results to come back. All the other STD test results came back quickly so I was worried as to why the HIV one didn't.

My Mom was so great at trying to comfort me and stay calm but I know inside she was just as worried as me. Then we got the call and I think hearing the results of that call was just as scary as finally telling my best friend I was being raped.

The doctor told my Mom that the results were negative, however it takes up to 6 months for the HIV virus to be detected so I will have to take another HIV test in about that time.

For now, I'm very relieved and happy. Now onto Dave, he's still denying the charges even after being told of all the evidence against him so now we're forced to go to trial. I was hoping that bastard wouldn't be such a coward and just admit his fault and spare me and my Mom from having to relive this nightmare. So now there's a pretrial hearing set for next May 16th. Man, everything seems to be like a waiting game now. I just want it to be over with and as I said before, I am going to feel so humiliated having to give all those sick details of what he did to me to a bunch of strangers but I want him to pay for what he did to me, so I know what I have to do and I will find the courage to do it. The counseling has helped.

In a counsel session Mom said she felt like she failed as a Mom because she didn't protect me and I told her that she didn't know so how could she?

I told her that I didn't blame her and that I never will and that I loved her. We both hugged and Ginny(the counselor) said it was a great beginning on healing.

Mom and I are closer than ever now. She's actually been my rock through all of this. My one regret is that I didn't tell her myself and that she found out through the police, but I can't change that now.

I'm doing okay physically now. My internal injuries have pretty much healed and I'm not in any pain anymore.

Emotionally, I'm still dealing. I still have trouble sleeping. I've been experiencing my rapes all over again in nightmares and wake up either in a cold sweat or screaming in which wakes my Mom up and she comes running in my room.

So my counselor has told me to do a few things that might help like to take a warm soothing bath before bedtime, think positive thoughts, keep a lamp light on, keep on some soothing music softly and even have a pet sleeping next to me can help.

I tried some of these ideas already and they didn't work so now my counselor recently told me to write down the recurring bad dream and what happens in it. Then she told me to rewrite the dream in any way that I want so that it is no longer frightening and has a positive outcome and before going to sleep, go through the dream as rewritten, going over the new scriipt in my mind constantly to help re-program my mind.

I don't know if it will work but at this point I'll try anything. It's just hard to not replay or erase those awful painful moments with Dave in my mind so I'm worried this idea won't work either.

So my question is, does it ever get easier?

Do the nightmares go away eventually?

Another thing I noticed is that I thought I was okay and didn't feel ashamed anymore because my friends have been so supportive but I didn't even think about all my other relatives like my aunts and uncles.

Last weekend, Mom and I went to my aunt Susan and Uncle Bobby's house and I felt like I was under a microscope. My aunt and cousins hugged me so gently, it made me feel like I was made of glass or something and my aunt had tears in her eyes.

She couldn't even look at me that much. And when my uncle went to hug me, I flinched and backed away.

Honestly, I didn't mean to. I felt so bad. It was such an awkward moment. I hate this, but I can't stand being touched by any male anymore even if it's someone I love and trust. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't help it.

My cousin has an Xbox so we played games but I could still hear my mom, aunt and uncle in the other room talking about how fragile I am and how they don't know if I'll ever get over what happened to me.

So even though I thought I was coping, there are still a lot of things that are emotionally hard for me. SoulfulSurvivor, you said that your sons suffered something horrible too?

Can I ask what it was?

If it's too personal and painful for you, I understand but I was wondering whatever has happened to them, how have they coped with it?

Are they okay now and what have you and they done to help overcome whatever happened to yous?

I'm asking out of concern and for any similar situation advice that might be helpful for me to help cope with some of these emotional things that I just can't get rid of.

I'm becoming frustrated with myself because I want to be normal again. I don't want to flinch every time someone goes to hug me or have people talking about how fragile I am. I want to feel good again.

SoulfulSurvivor, you say you believe I'm strong and have a purpose in life to do good and I thank you but why can't I have that same faith in me as you do?

Will I feel good about myself again?

And do you really think I'm stronger than I think I am and will be able to face Dave at the trial?

My Mom and everyone says so but when will I ever believe it?

It seems more easier to accept what you, BlueRose and other survivors say because you can understand what I'm going through.

My Mom and everyone has been so supportive but they really don't understand what I'm going through because it didn't happen to them.