crack & alcohol addicted boyfriend w... 
lisais47
19 y
3,415
† Cross †
I had a boyfriend for 4 months and it seems like it's pretty much over. He did meet with me yesterday but he's very upset at me. He's a crack-coccaine addict and an alcoholic but we did have lots of good times together but also at least 1/2 dozen bad occurances happened within the 4 months. The last bad occurance was on Feb 9th about 1.5 weeks ago I think. He upset me and told me to go home and I started walking home but that was the 3rd time
in a row a bad incident happened and he treated me badly and so
I walked back to his house. And I threatened to do all these things to cause him problems (example: call his landlord about all these room-mates living with him - they give him money to help support his alcohol/drug habit - this was just 1 of the like 5 things I said I do to cause him trouble). Well he ran toward me as if he was going to hit me twice and the 2nd time I really thought he was going to start hitting me and he had me on the floor and he put his foot on top of me to hold me down. He didn't hurt me or cause me injury. And so I ended up leaving and I called the police. But the room-mates didn't tell the truth about what happened and the police didn't arrest him. The police did however contact his parole officer and according to my boyfriend (I guess X-boyfriend now) he might be put under house arrest. I've been very heartbroken and I've not gotten to spend the night with him for close on 2 weeks. He's says I can't come over there anymore -the police told him not to have me over there anymore and if anyone calls the police back the police will arrest both me and him. My boyfriend isn't all bad - he has allot of good in him and he's a very pleasant, friendly, kind person when he's not all strungout on his alcohol and crack. But when he gets in a dark mood he can be verbally cruel. That's the only time he physically was going to hurt me and I think it's because I really provoked him by threatening to cause havoc in his life. He agreed to see me yesterday (Friday) and we played pool together but then he just started saying things to hurt and upset me. Then to find out I think he only saw me to tell me I should go to the police station and tell them I was just mentally messed up that night (hearing voices and stuff) and that it wasn't true and the stuff about him taking drugs wasn't true. So he wanted me to go lie to the police although that is a felony to do so. And the thing is I didn't lie to the police in the 1st place that night of Feb 9th. I still love him so much. I still want things to work out between us but it doesn't look good. And I don't know if he will ever give up his drugs and alcohol. So what should I do - should just forget him? I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget about him.- The hard truth krupaclassy
19 y
3,378
This is a reply to # 668,249He isn't a good person while a drug addict and alcoholic. Period. That good guy may be in there, but that's not who you know. You know the druggie who's out of control. You aren't helping either him or yourself by staying around. What you need to do is accept that this is going to hurt alot for quite awhile, and move on. No reconciliations. No getting together as friends. As long as he's on drugs he's off limits. Why? Because you are HURTING the guy you care about by staying! You want to help him, then leave. Don't allow him to continue in this path with you. It just throughs him off balance and makes things worse for his addictions. This is an example of why tough love is a good thing, for both of you.
God bless and keep both of you!- Re: The hard truth lisais47
19 y
3,231
MoreThis is a reply to # 668,250Your advice is helpful to me but about your words "Why? Because you are HURTING the guy you care about by staying! You want to help him, then leave. Don't allow him to continue in this path with you. It just throughs him off balance and makes things worse for his addictions"
Could you explain to me how I'd be hurting him by even just being his friend? Is it because he needs to be taught a lessen - he needs to learn that the consequences of being a substance abuses means any female he gets involved with will leave him? Could you explain how it throws him off balance and makes things worse for his addictions?- Re: The hard truth krupaclassy
19 y
3,418
MoreThis is a reply to # 668,251The addicted person uses other people to keep from focusing ont their own problems. Most addictions can be traced back to mental/emotional problems or hurts. Even a simple hurt that wasn't dealt with can cause major issues down the road. By being with you he has an excuse for the things that he does, or doesn't, do. It's the cycle of "if you'd have done such n such I wouldn't have had to get high." It's self abusive for him, and abusive to you. That's why breaking any relationship is best.
That doesn't say that he won't go find someone else to take that place, and it doesn't say that deep down he doesn't have feelings for you. What it says is that he's too busy hurting himself to actually BE himself! Quite often those with addictions must hit rock bottom in order to pull themselves together and make a change for the better.
Here's an example from my family. My mom has many, some major, health problems. Mom DOES NOT like to face them! For a few years mom and dad lived with my husband and I. Not being married when the co-living situation began I didn't confront mom when she took over the household, bid mistake!! Despite the fact that I had Depression and health issues also I always tried to "be there" for mom. I'd walk, even when to exhausted to do so, so that she could get her "counseling" from me. (I have a talent for counseling but no training) She'd dump on me and feel better, but I'd be much worse. She'd nearly kill herself to do things that her body just can't handle anymore, using me as an excuse. Well, I finally came to my senses and realised that I was hurting both of us (not to meantion my marriage!). So the first step was to take control of the house. My God was that an awful blow up!! Sheesh!! In a few short weeks though mom found that she felt better physically living in the downstairs rooms and me being upstairs. I made the meals, which I'd been planning all the time anyways, and took care of the section of the house that I could do with my own health problems. Then, I had to bite the bigger bullet. Dad wasn't going to get his disability living with us, that was clear, and mom was still using me as her personal counselor instead of facing her issues. So, after a great deal of waffeling, I asked them to move up to my brothers' home. They (both bros and parents) weren't thrilled but were willing to give the space I needed. Of course that meant me telling mom that I couldn't "counsel" her when she called (that's been hard to change). BUT, and here's the good part, things changed for the better! My bros realised how sick our parents realy were, the government realised that the daughter wasn't supporting the parents so dad got his disability, mom realised that her body was her business to care for and that I was NOT a counselor!! I no long "counsel" her when she's feeling bad, instead she's dealing with her depression. Dad doesn't let her kill herself doing "stuff" anymore and is more her husband then he's been in years. All that good stuff happened because I stepped out of the picture and kept out of the picture.
You will be HELPING him by doing the hardest thing ever. BUT remember that it doesn't mean forever! My mom's turn around started in a short 8 months, long enough for us both to get a good emotional balance. She's better now, a yr and a half later then before and is well on her way to getting a handle on her depression. Not to mention that she's taking care of herself now!! You may well be in his life again in the future, but right now you and out of it so that he can see what he's doing to himself. It's a bit like tough love.
Don't give up, stay strong. And remember, the Lord is with you through out all of this and will never leave your side.
God bless!!
- Re: The hard truth krupaclassy
19 y
3,418
- Re: The hard truth lisais47
19 y
3,231
- A Harder Truth Gardeninginthefog
19 y
3,561
This is a reply to # 668,249NO matter how much you like this guy, I advise against recanting what you said to the police. It would perjure you, and create a permanent “documentation” in police records of supposed mental problems for you. Why would you want to do that? It’s ridiculous. Your boyfriend is responsible for the result of his actions, not you. You are not responsible for feeling so unsafe that you needed to call the police.
That said, I know it is terribly hard to watch someone you love do things that you know are bad for him. With drug addiction it is particularly is hard. It is like watching someone stick their hand into a fire because their hands feel warm at first, and that feels good. You know they will get burned, and you really want them to stop, but all they see is that they want to feel good for a few seconds, because it is really nice to have warm hands. You have to watch them do this to themselves, even though you can see how much it is hurting them, and may end up killing them. You wish so much for them to change. You love them and you want them to see that there is _so_ much else out there that they could have that would make them feel way better than that stupid high-- You see things they don’t even realize they’re missing. In your case, you love your boyfriend so much. Probably more than anything you want him to care as much about himself as you care about him. But he is so intent on the good feeling of the high that he’s willing to sacrifice everything for it.
That my girlfriend, is how he is exactly like you. EXACTLY like you. You are sacrificing the many great things you could have. You could have a beautiful relationship, love, and a person of character who would treat you well, but instead you are sacrificing your life, just as he is sacrificing his. The only person you can change in this scenario is yourself. You can choose to treat yourself with love and compassion. That means learn to expect and demand things for yourself in life that reflect self-love. Desire the whole piece of cake, don’t be satisfied with a forkful that has fallen on the ground and is dirty (just because it is cake and it tastes good), get a WHOLE piece. Don’t settle for this guy. Desire a man who has the good qualities this one has, plus a whole lot more other good qualities, and without all the bad. No dirt. Desire more, expect more, and don’t put up with less.
If you want to bring yourself more happiness than you have ever experienced, figure out how you’ve got to where you are. You have gotten what you have learned to expect from life. Change your expectations. Desire big, and don’t settle for anything less; people who get great things and great relationships don’t settle. Getting what you want means surrounding yourself in life with people who can help you get those things. You will become like the people you hang around, so choose to hang around people you want to be like.
You could probably stand to find a whole new crowd. Find people who have what you want, and start hanging around them. Join clubs, do whatever you have to do get yourself around positive people who expect a lot out of life. It may take you a while to feel comfortable, but you will eventually fit in, because as you change your expectations of yourself, others will see that change and change what they expect of you as well.
Good luck and God be with you. Listen to your inner voice.
Gardeninginthefog
©†ƒ……•™¼‡_Original_Message_¾€š½ž¢«»¬ï°©
NO matter how much you like this guy, I advise against recanting what you said to the police. It would perjure you, and create a permanent “documentation” in police records of supposed mental problems for you. Why would you want to do that? It’s ridiculous. Your boyfriend is responsible for the result of his actions, not you. You are not responsible for feeling so unsafe that you needed to call the police.
That said, I know it is terribly hard to watch someone you love do things that you know are bad for him. With drug addiction it is particularly is hard. It is like watching someone stick their hand into a fire because their hands feel warm at first, and that feels good. You know they will get burned, and you really want them to stop, but all they see is that they want to feel good for a few seconds, because it is really nice to have warm hands. You have to watch them do this to themselves, even though you can see how much it is hurting them, and may end up killing them. You wish so much for them to change. You love them and you want them to see that there is _so_ much else out there that they could have that would make them feel way better than that stupid high-- You see things they don’t even realize they’re missing. In your case, you love your boyfriend so much. Probably more than anything you want him to care as much about himself as you care about him. But he is so intent on the good feeling of the high that he’s willing to sacrifice everything for it.
That my girlfriend, is how he is exactly like you. EXACTLY like you. You are sacrificing the many great things you could have. You could have a beautiful relationship, love, and a person of character who would treat you well, but instead you are sacrificing your life, just as he is sacrificing his. The only person you can change in this scenario is yourself. You can choose to treat yourself with love and compassion. That means learn to expect and demand things for yourself in life that reflect self-love. Desire the whole piece of cake, don’t be satisfied with a forkful that has fallen on the ground and is dirty (just because it is cake and it tastes good), get a WHOLE piece. Don’t settle for this guy. Desire a man who has the good qualities this one has, plus a whole lot more other good qualities, and without all the bad. No dirt. Desire more, expect more, and don’t put up with less.
If you want to bring yourself more happiness than you have ever experienced, figure out how you’ve got to where you are. You have gotten what you have learned to expect from life. Change your expectations. Desire big, and don’t settle for anything less; people who get great things and great relationships don’t settle. Getting what you want means surrounding yourself in life with people who can help you get those things. You will become like the people you hang around, so choose to hang around people you want to be like.
You could probably stand to find a whole new crowd. Find people who have what you want, and start hanging around them. Join clubs, do whatever you have to do get yourself around positive people who expect a lot out of life. It may take you a while to feel comfortable, but you will eventually fit in, because as you change your expectations of yourself, others will see that change and change what they expect of you as well.
Good luck and God be with you. Listen to your inner voice.
Gardeninginthefog- Re: A Harder Truth Lisais47
19 y
3,362
This is a reply to # 668,252you know you're absolutely right - I should expect a whole "H" of a lot more - why have I been selling myself short like I have for 4 onths with him
I should be glad it appears to be over or is over with him. He's absolutely no good. And he could care less about me - as a matter fact I think he gets a kick out of treated me badly - not that he treats me bad every minute he's with me he doesn't but I listened to him talk about his 20 year old X-girlfriend who he lived with for about 3.5 months early last year (practically from the very start). And while we shopped for the Thanksgiving dinner I by the way bought, he was giving this young woman with long red hair the eye (she giving him the eye back apparently) and then couldn't drop it about this young girl (about her private area - he calls wtp - wet & tight & fill in the blank) and on and on about her. And pointing out young women and saying how he'd like to try them out and things of this sort. He never actually went out on me I'm fairly sure but all that talk really upset me. And when I started demanding him not to mention young girls or this Nicole he use to go with again - that seems to be when things go even worse between me and him.
And I shouldn't have to demand to be treated properly and the right way from a man. A real gentlemen wouldn't dream of talking the way Kevin talks. It's like he gets off by treating me disrespectfully.
He is nice some of the time but a real gent would be nice pretty much all the time or pretty close to 100% of the time except for a few slip up maybe. I mean to err is Human. but to purposely hurt me like this man does is just uncalled for
I actually got the the point where I expected him to say these type things and point out much younger women (as I will be 47 this month) - the other day he did and it's like it didn't bother much but I know it still bothered me to some degree.
I'm suppose to call him tommorrow morning and meet him tommorrow but I'm going to try my best not to call him. I know I need to just forget completely about him. It's just hard because I got very emotionally attached to him and I spent 3-4 nights a week with him for about 4 months - the last night was 2 weeks & 1 night ago. Earlier tonight I just crazed to be held by him - especially in bed held - although I really can't say he was that great at holding either - it was more me holding him - but he let me snuggle up against him throughout the whole night. So it will be hard for me to let go of him but I know I must do so.
And you're right there's a better man for me out there. There's got to be because if he's the best I can get - I might as well be alone.
And I deserve to be treated the right way 98.9% or close to that of the time by a man.
So thank you for your very good advice. I really appreciate it.
Also - I would never recant my story I told the police because what I told the police was the absolute truth. The police asked me if I was lying that night and I said "no" and it's true I did not lie about it. My boyfriend had me on the floor with his foot on top of me holding me down for probably a minute - not long but he shouldn't have done it at all. And he ran at me (twice that night) as if he was going to start beating me up.
Well anyways - a big thank you to all who've given me advice.- Perhaps AlAnon? StillSearching
19 y
3,598
This is a reply to # 668,258Lisa,
You're a mature woman who needs connection with the world. This experience has damaged you as only those who love addicts are damaged. Consider joining an AlAnon group -- it is focused on those who love addicts. Perhaps in your community it has a different name, but there is one in almost every community, even small ones.
You will find others who have had to let go of loved ones who choose to follow their addiction. These are people who are trying to put their lives back together.
You will find others looking to find respectable people who will respect them. Wives, ex-wives, husbands, ex-husbands, parents, children -- a world of people who have similar experiences of making allowance after allowance, giving until they have nothing to give. They understand the impacts of being emotionally and physically abused.
A community of people looking for support, love and validation --like you. Every story is different. Listening to them, you'll realize that you aren't alone. They won't hold you at night, but perhaps, if you have friends and people who understand your pain, you'll be able to sleep peacefully until you find someone who deserves your love.
Take care and be strong.
StillSearching (46)
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! #755
19 y
3,314
MoreThis is a reply to # 668,286" a world of people who have similar experiences of making allowance after allowance, giving until they have nothing to give."
These words hit home for me. It is amazing how we can
hold on and hold on, letting our world get smaller and smaller, until we turn around and we have few friends left and no new people coming in.
"Looking for Love in all the wrong places" was a song I heard today while shopping.
It is so painful to let go of someone who we have loved.
The one I let go of is a good person, but not wanting to share love. The world must have more people who want to be loved. I am just going to doing all I can to enjoy my life now.
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! Lisais47
19 y
3,467
This is a reply to # 668,287Hello #755,
Hey I accidently neglected to check some of my email in my excite and finally tonight went back to this site to read any missed messages.
And so I just read your messages. You're welcome to read my
other responses to messages. I wrote a pretty large response about the conclusion of my bad relationship to this man I loved (probably still love because when you really love someone it doesn't go away over night or even in a long period of time).
Like today I was still feeling what it was like to be near (close) to him and to hold him. He wasn't always or actually ever that good at holding me back. He didn't mind me snuggling up to him all I wanted but he didn't actually hold me the way I held him. And one day I'd like to find a very loving man who can wrap his wonderful arms around me and hold me the way I really love to be held - the way I dream of being held. And I deserve to be held in a good way.
And so I can relate very well with what you said in your last paragragh about the person you loved wasn't able to give, or share, love well that was pretty well my Kevin in a nutshell to. And Kevin isn't all bad but has his good aspects as well. But we deserve allot more then to stay with people who just didn't have the ability to love us back - even if it does make our world smaller. It opens us up to having the chance, and opportunity, to find that "right" and that "good" special someone to be in our lives. And we have that to look forward to but in the meantime we can still enjoy our lives and improve our lives to the best of our abilities.
And also there's got to be tons of people out there looking for love. I'm one of them and you sound like one of them also. Look at all the personal sites and so many people looking and wanting to be loved.
My hope for both me and you and allot of others is that we will be able to one day find that someone special to love and that can love us back (really love us) the way we deserve.
And I know that both me and you will be OK - we just need to take care of ourselves and be good to ourselves while we wait for our special someone if that is what is meant to be & hopefully it is.
I'm not saying we need to wait exactly or that we should be waiting.
There are so many joys in this life for us to experience.
And there are so many good friends we can experience life with also.
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! #755
19 y
3,207
This is a reply to # 668,317thank you for your very sweet message. I have found that it was a major breakthrough to finally let go of xxx after so many times coming back and back and back.
My life is feeling pretty good these days, since I finally let xxx
go.
It took a long time to reach this point of really wanting to
let go to really want to leave space for my life
and loving me.
It is a good feeling.
thanks
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! #755
19 y
3,207
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! Lisais47
19 y
3,467
- Re: Perhaps AlAnon? Lisais47
19 y
3,265
This is a reply to # 668,286Hello Stillsearching,
I'm sorry I accidently forgot to read my last 2 responses.
Well I just reponded to the last one and then I noticed
yours that I'd not read until now. I'm so happy I finally
read yours. I sometimes neglect to check all my emails.
but anyways thank you from the bottom of my heart for
your kind message. I appreciate it greatly. Yes, I'm
familiar with AlAnon and actually even though about that
group recently and perhaps attending a meeting(s). And I
might still do that if I can get to getting around to it.
Again thanks for your heartfelt message of good advice.
- Re: These Words Hit Home for me too! #755
19 y
3,314
- Perhaps AlAnon? StillSearching
19 y
3,598
- Re: A Harder Truth Lisais47
19 y
3,362
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #29919
19 y
3,452
This is a reply to # 668,249Run. Do NOT walk as far away as possible.
I was married to as crack/drug addict alcoholic but my situation was worse...I had a 6 year old child and got pregnant by this fool.
It does not matter that you love him. He will only use that to manipulate you into enabling him in his horrible dark world. He doesn't love you...he loves his drugs. Get that through your head. He will do anything for that next high...including sell you down the river if that gets him what he wants.
You think I'm exaggerating? Here's a few instances I will share with you only because I want you to see your future if you stay with him:
Before we were married...the very first time I became aware that he was doing drugs...his parents sent me on an over 200 mile trip to post bail for him in NYC. It was a real experience let me tell you. I was going through the metal detector and I'll never forget that the policeman said to me, "Let me guess...you are here to bail out your druggie boyfriend who is really a nice guy who just made a mistake, right? I know, I know, You are thinking, "if you only knew him like I do."
I was thinking that too. I should have listened to his advice.
Anyway, then there were the suicide attempts...they were pretty much a ploy to get me to feel sorry for him.
Then there were the 4 attempts at going into a rehab and dragging my son down to the "family programs" and exposing him to all that.
Then there's all the times when he relapsed after emtying my bank account and almost causing me to lose my house.
Did I tell you about the beating I got one night when he heard me crying in the next room and he didn't want to hear it?
Got pregnant and toward the end of my pregnancy and to threaten him with not being allowed in the delivery room if he got high again. So he made it to the delivery date...fell in love with my daughter. Stayed clean until I agreed to marry him the following November...then relapsed no more than a few weeks afterwards. (Thats when I got my first black eye.)
Did I mention he was abusing my son when I wasn't around?
When my daughter was 6 months old I decided I could not take it anymore...I kicked his butt out and he went to live with his parents. That was 11 years ago...he is still living with them, doing drugs and pretending he's actually going to be something some day.
There is no way for me to get this across to you where it will make an impression but every day of my relationship with this person was torment. Even when he was clean (which wasn't a large amount of time) I was always wondering when the next time he was going to take money and go on a binge. It was excruciating. He would all of a sudden leave for days...no word of where...he once even left my kids with some people...I was at work and my son called me to find out where he was. I prayed the whole hour's drive that he would not be there when I got there. (But I was so intent on wanting to be supportive and work out everything and make it okay...I was so in love with him I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I had sworn to myself...after my divorce...that the next relationship I was in I was going to give it my all...well I gave that and then some)
That was the last time I put up with his crap.
Please. Love is a decision. Decide to love someone who will value you. Not chew you up and spit you out.
Please do not enter any relationship till you get some counseling and find out why you would open yourself up to this type of abuse.
Please.
Did I tell you my son, who is now 22, still suffers from what he went through?
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #4715
19 y
3,690
This is a reply to # 668,253You have to realize that your affection for your boyfriend is self-detrimental and that you are wasting your heart by giving it to someone who clearly does not deserve it, but also that you are accepting mistreatment,...why, do you feel that you deserve to be mistreated? First, anybody who asks another person to commit a crime and lie to the police is:
1) disrespecting the other person (let alone not loving them).
2) USING the other person.
3) insulting the other person (and their intelligence by convincing them that it would be a good and loving thing to do).
4) putting them in jeopardy.
5) convincing them not to have any self-respect and conditioning them to accept further mistreatment and abuse.
This boyfriend has even conditioned you to accept violence from him. Develop your self-respect and realize that his mistreatment and abuse is not normal and should not be tolerated or accepted. You are being his patsy. The real crime here is what you are doing to yourself. Start placing more of a value on your heart (do not cast your pearls before swine).- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,467
This is a reply to # 668,254Hi, you are very nice. well I sort of cheated and copy and pasted the below message I just posted to another member I hope you don't mind me sending it to you also. I needed a way to save some time. thanks for understanding I enjoyed reading your message to me. Thanks! oh by the way after you read about my new boyfriend - could you let me know if I'm just leting him disrespect me to - just in another way so here goes (below, my copy and pasted post) Hi, this is my 1st visit to curezone in months I'm not sure if I ever replyed back to you. A big thank you to you for your helpful and careing reply. Today I wrote a new posting asking for advice about my new boyfriend I met in March. Well my relationship with no-good (crack addict) boyfriend finally ended toward the end of Feb. and I met a new guy just waiting on the city bus toward the end of March My new boyfriend is the complete - I mean complete opposite to my old no-good crack addict alcoholic boyfriend. I love everything about him except there's just one thing that really depresses me and bothers me. He took me out on just a few dates in the very beginning. After that we went to some free outside concerts. His last month for his University internship job was in May. So he has no job right now (temporarily anyways) Yet he saved plenty of money the past 5+ years. He is a foreigner from a country near Russia. He won't even take me out for a cup of coffee. I asked him this past Sat night (like I've asked many times before - he always says "no") if he could just spend $5 so we could go out for a couple drinks. I suggested that he could just buy me 2 beers and he always just drinks soda. well I unsurprisingly got the no for an answer again. He doesn't drink any alcohol. Both his father and his brother were alcoholics. His brother is still an alcoholic. I've no problem drinking - I rarely drink but like a couple beers - 3 beers tops on occasion I'm helping him job search and he's going to take me with him when he leaves here to go to the job. He's about ready to get his Phd. I help him with his Phd project - have sit with him many hours while he writes plus I'm helping him extensively on job search. but it really hurts me that he won't even take me out on a date and just spend a little money on me (on both of us) the thing is he can well afford it so you got anymore good advice for me this time around I could sure use it. Thanks
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,467
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... lisais47
19 y
3,365
This is a reply to # 668,253This message is to the nice woman who was married to a drug addict and she gave me very good advice.
Hi,
I'm very grateful to you for your letter.
I saw my substance abuser yesterday and played some pool with him.
When I got home I cryed some because I was wishing I could have gone home with him. The police told him to keep his distance from me and they said if anybody called them to his house again and I was there - they would arrest both of us. So he said I could never, ever go over there again. He's afraid I will call the police again.
Then later last night I realized how futile it would be to continue to see him even out in public and hoping things could change and we could be together after awhile.
My son (age 24) has always told me he didn't care about me. And my son only saw him briefly a couple times. My son determined that just by overhearing how he (my boyfriend) talked to me over the phone. And seeing how upset I was on a few occasions after coming home from my boyfriends.
Yesterday I told him he should stop buying the crack and save to buy a truck so he could start his tree service. And he goes "you'd steal the truck from me" - and considering I'm a very trustworthy honest person I got nowhere trying to tell him "no, I would never steal from you".
And he's not only buying the stupid crack, it appears now he's trying to sell it. He was upset yesterday when I went out to play pool with him - he was upset because he'd bought $150 worth of crack from his drug dealer and he didn't pay for half of that. He trusted this girl to pay the other half after she got down selling close to the whole lot of it. And the girl takes off and doesn't bring him back the crack or any money. So he thinking he was going to make a profit - he only got ripped off. And the drug dealer was suppose to come back after the money fairly soon. And he will have to use money he gets from his room-mate Tuesday and pay $75 for that dame crack out of the $100 he will get from room-mate. And the girl gets away scott free from stealing from him.
I don't have any idea why I'm worrying. I guess I was hoping he would actually take me out for a couple drings Tuesday but he won't be able to do that now anyways.
And I know that I should not call him or see him anymore anyways. What would be the point.
And you're so right he doesn't love or care about me. He only loves that dame crack. And you know I got a little drunk and actually tried the stuff a couple times. And the 2nd time I tried it - it seems to stay in my system (I could tell) for like 2 or more days. Even the high of it I didn't like - I thought it was just aweful - to feel so out of control like realty wasn't with me - to have such an abstract feeling. And stupid people actually pay to feel like that? I don't get it. What in the H is so great about it? I thought it was just horrible. There's no way I would ever smoke any of it again - ever. I hated the feeling it gave me and couldn't wait for it to go away. And even after 3 days I still didn't feel like myself. That was like 2 weeks ago and even still I feel like I'm still not all here - 100% here - like it destroyed some brain cells and I can really tell - just a tiny bit but I still don't feel 100% myself. Almost but just a touch off. So a crack addict is really just killing their own brain cells when they keep taking it correct?
No wonder they are so out of control. When I said out of control for myself I meant that I didn't feel like my concrete reality was completely with me.
and the stupid room-mates who he says hates me because I told the police about all the drug use and that's most of the reason he won't let me back over there
and I know in my heart I really don't want to go back over there to his place anyways - I know that something inside my heart is dead now and things couldn't be the same anyways
plus the fact that he will only keep treating me mean especially if I say one wrong word to any of the room-mates - his enablers and his means to have money to buy his drugs/alcohol
I am kind of worried about something. I'm worried him and all of them will tell this drug dealer than I called the police and I know for the most part what this drug dealers car looks like (the model I'm pretty sure). What if he (Xboyfriend) tells this drug dealer where I live. If just being involved with him means I, especially my son could be hurt or worse, because of it - it would not have been worth it at all.
I'm actually really afraid now. I'm wondering if I should tell the police my concerns. I'm wondering if I should tell them what this drug dealers car looks like. Should I? I'm wondering if I should try to contact his parole officer and express my concerns. What do you think? Should I just do nothing? What if I have already (even doing nothing else) endangered myself and my son? due to my involvement with this man
Should I just not take any actions and just not even call him
(like I told him I would call him tommorrow morning)?
Should I tell him in person I can't see him anymore?
I think I'd rather just not see him because I don't know
I can say goodbye to him in person. I won't be strong
enough to do that.
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #29919
19 y
3,340
This is a reply to # 668,256Sweetheart...I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel and where you are.
Let me share a little something I've learned .... when my X was at rehab they taught us that crack is so powerful, that one can be addicted to it after one use. That is phenomenal. Rehabs used to see alcoholics come in after 25-30 years of abuse....with crack they are seeing users come in after only a few months. It accelerates the addiction process and is extremely dangerous! I am pleased that you have that disoriented, not quite myself feeling and hate it. Please, please, PLEASE don't ever go nnear it again. It is pure poison!
My advice is to cut yourself off from him completely WITHOUT explanation. Go away from him...if you have to move then move but get and stay far away from him and his cohorts. There is nothing but death there. I'm not saying anyone is going to try and kill you...but to be involved with them any further is to open yourself...your spirit if you will...up to these extremely detrimental influences.
I'm not sure if you should fear for your physical self because I don't know all the details but I will tell you that crack will make people do desperate things. I would be extremely careful especially since you have a little one. I wasn't able to protect my son when I was with my X simply because I was naive and didn't know what was going on behind my back. Drug addicts are VERY deceptive peiople and will know how to play their victims.
Depending on whether you live in a small town or big city will determine whether your police will pay any mind to your concerns. They may very well know of his existance and activities already and the information you give them may assist in shutting them down...either way, if you can't move keep a VERY watchful eye out...when your son goes to school...when he comes home. Always have him looked after if you cannot be there.
Please knpow I understand your loss...I was determined to make my relationship work...but one can't do it all by themselves. Get out and stay out NOW and save yourself years of torment. I wish I could give you my years experience so you could know that I am not making this up...or blowing anything up out or proportion. I really don't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I did.
By your statements I know that you know in your heart there is really nothing left.....please declare this relationship dead and grieve it...but not too long. You are a very sweet, sensitive, caring person. I know this because that is the type of person that these scuzbags look for. They aren't stupid you know...they know that they will get serious mileage out of someone like you and me.
I want you to know that there is someone out there who will love you for who you are...and that God loves you more than you could ever know. I thank Him right now that He is taking you out of this before any more damage can be done....rely on Him...lean on Him. He's real and He's there for you and always will be. My prayers are with you and your son.
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,331
This is a reply to # 668,262Hi, you are very nice. well I sort of cheated and copy and pasted the below
message I just posted to another member
I hope you don't mind me sending it to you also. I needed a way to save some
time. thanks for understanding
I very much enjoyed reading your long message to me. Thanks very much!
so here goes (below, my copy and pasted post)
Hi, this is my 1st visit to curezone in months I'm not sure if I ever replyed back to you. A big thank you to you for your helpful and careing reply. Today I wrote a new posting asking for advice about my new boyfriend I met in March. Well my relationship with no-good (crack addict) boyfriend finally ended toward the end of Feb. and I met a new guy just waiting on the city bus toward the end of March My new boyfriend is the complete - I mean complete opposite to my old no-good crack addict alcoholic boyfriend. I love everything about him except there's just one thing that really depresses me and bothers me. He took me out on just a few dates in the very beginning. After that we went to some free outside concerts. His last month for his University internship job was in May. So he has no job right now (temporarily anyways) Yet he saved plenty of money the past 5+ years. He is a foreigner from a country near Russia. He won't even take me out for a cup of coffee. I asked him this past Sat night (like I've asked many times before - he always says "no") if he could just spend $5 so we could go out for a couple drinks. I suggested that he could just buy me 2 beers and he always just drinks soda. well I unsurprisingly got the no for an answer again. He doesn't drink any alcohol. Both his father and his brother were alcoholics. His brother is still an alcoholic. I've no problem drinking - I rarely drink but like a couple beers - 3 beers tops on occasion I'm helping him job search and he's going to take me with him when he leaves here to go to the job. He's about ready to get his Phd. I help him with his Phd project - have sit with him many hours while he writes plus I'm helping him extensively on job search. but it really hurts me that he won't even take me out on a date and just spend a little money on me (on both of us) the thing is he can well afford it so you got anymore good advice for me this time around I could sure use it. Thanks
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,331
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #29919
19 y
3,340
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #4715
19 y
3,690
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #23475
19 y
3,441
This is a reply to # 668,249Sorry to tell you but you do need to forget this man if you want to keep yourself in good mental a physical health.
I think you are co-dependet in a certain way. You are addicted to thid man. It hurts but you can´t leave him.
What is it inside you that keep you with him? Deal first with your own co-dependency. You have to take are of yourself first of all.
Hope you get the strenght to do it. None says it is easy.
Good luck........- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,299
This is a reply to # 668,282Hi, this is my 1st visit to curezone in months I'm not sure if I ever replyed back to you. A big thank you to you for your helpful and careing reply. Today I wrote a new posting asking for advice about my new boyfriend I met in March. Well my relationship with no-good (crack addict) boyfriend finally ended toward the end of Feb. and I met a new guy just waiting on the city bus toward the end of March My new boyfriend is the complete - I mean complete opposite to my old no-good crack addict alcoholic boyfriend. I love everything about him except there's just one thing that really depresses me and bothers me. He took me out on just a few dates in the very beginning. After that we went to some free outside concerts. His last month for his University internship job was in May. So he has no job right now (temporarily anyways) Yet he saved plenty of money the past 5+ years. He is a foreigner from a country near Russia. He won't even take me out for a cup of coffee. I asked him this past Sat night (like I've asked many times before - he always says "no") if he could just spend $5 so we could go out for a couple drinks. I suggested that he could just buy me 2 beers and he always just drinks soda. well I unsurprisingly got the no for an answer again. He doesn't drink any alcohol. Both his father and his brother were alcoholics. His brother is still an alcoholic. I've no problem drinking - I rarely drink but like a couple beers - 3 beers tops on occasion I'm helping him job search and he's going to take me with him when he leaves here to go to the job. He's about ready to get his Phd. I help him with his Phd project - have sit with him many hours while he writes plus I'm helping him extensively on job search. but it really hurts me that he won't even take me out on a date and just spend a little money on me (on both of us) the thing is he can well afford it so you got anymore good advice for me this time around I could sure use it. Thanks
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... marylo
19 y
3,568
This is a reply to # 669,156Hello!
I´m very glad you finshed the relationship with the "No good" addicted boyfriend. You did yourself a big favor.Believe me!
About your new boyfriend. I understand your dissapointment not being able to spend 5 dollars in your relationship.
As this relationship is new. I would him him the benefit of the doubt. But I wouldn´t give gime much time because he might be a forever searching jobs guy. Who knows.
You might be a magnet for loosers which is very common in women. Always helping and trying to change and mend them. Be careful!
Be sure that if it is not in money he reciprocates all you do for him because that will keep your relationship healthy and if he doesn´t, don´t be that generous. He doesn´t deserve it. Good luck!- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,448
This is a reply to # 669,173This message is in reply to Marylo message. Hello Marylo! sorry I'm just now getting back to you - been kind of busy etc anyways I want to thank you for your nice message to me and for your good advice for some reason I seem to cry sometimes when I'm with my new boyfriend The following are the reasons: 1)because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. 2)because I'm getting older and I'm 13 years older then him. 3)because although we spend lots of time together - practically live together but I feel we are very limited as to what we do together since he is afraid to spend any money so we can have a little bit of fun - and I was crying about this again tonight - I almost gave him an altimatum but I'm afraid it didn't work - tonight I tryed to get him to take me out to eat and then for couple drinks (he might not of directly said "no" but the answer was "no" anyways) 4) I tell him I love him very much as I want to have fun with him. nothing I say seems to work it does hurt that he won't take me out and he could well afford to spend a little on entertainment 5) I get pretty depressed about this allot of times. I want him to take me out on dates - doesn't have to be all the time but even twice a month if not once a week 6) he will do things with me - just so they are free we took a very nice walk together one lovely evening but most entertainment does cost at least a little I try to tell him that I'm not picky - he doesn't have to spend much money on me (on us) to make me happy. I know other women would probably not tollerate this at all. matter fact as soon as I saw this pattern I should have took a stand but I failed to do this 7) I also cry because although he says he loves me - it took him around about 4 months (this being the 5th month of our relationship) to tell me he loved me and I sort of pryed it out of him somewhat telling him that if he really didn't love me I just couldn't stand it any longer - that I really wanted to find a man that could love me and that I need him to love me but I'm not sure I'm convinced he loves me - he is loving and affectionate - he provides me the loving kind of needs but I'm always the one who initiates the love making I get depressed and I'm just not sure what I should do. Sometimes I feel that I just couldn't stand the heartbreak if me and him split up. I find myself frustrated with my life. I've been unhappy with my circumstances of my life for years I might as well say. I did manage to escape this boring area I live in for a year and a half - I've lived in this town for 27 years minus the 1.5 years 2003-2004 I managed to live in another state but didn't have much fun there either - not the exciting life I thought I was moving to. but then me and my son we had some good times there in the other state it was a relief to get out of here for awhile but I needed to come back here as I was worried about my elderly mother and it's a good thing I did since my dear mom passed away July this year - I had a few very nice visits with my sweetheart of a mother before she died. She is still missed very much. I just feel like my life is passing me by. I'm not living where I want to live and I'm not having the kind of fun I would love to be having. why is it I just can't be happy with my boyfriend - I mean I've never really had a boyfriend like this before - I was married twice and I had no boyfriends hardly at all until I was in my mid 40's and all those poor people devastated by that terrible hurricane - lots of people died as a result - lots of people hurt and still suffering so what reason do I have to be depressed yet I feel depressed is it really all that bad to want more out of life then you have - to wish for more quality of life - more really neat, fun experiences especially with this man I love so much and I'm so afraid of losing him tonight I'm trying to convince myself that the other wonderful things about our relationship (the loving attention, the holding, kissing & cuddling, the beautiful love making and all the talking we do together - we are like best friends & best lovers combined) so I try to convince myself that all the loving attention (mentioned above) is more fun/wonderful then all the dates we could go on yet I still find myself wanting and wishing we could have lots of fun together or at least a little fun - as far as doing things together - like going out for coffee or couple drinks (even just sodas) or some other activity I mean he won't even take me out for a cup of coffee. it's very difficult to understand him though I try very hard I try very hard to accept things the way they are - the way they might always be - even when he get a good paying job in the near future hopefully after he finishes his schooling most probably this Dec. plus I look at his culture and try understanding that way so any advice anyone can give me will be very helpful Sincerely, #40885
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,448
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... marylo
19 y
3,568
- Re: crack & alcohol addicted boyfrie... #40885
19 y
3,299
- how could you not love the all-ameri... Bush/Cheney05
19 y
3,349
This is a reply to # 668,249Doped up on crack, liquored up on booze, in and out of the local pen, physically abusive, verbally tormented...geee, WHERE DO LUCKY GIRLS LIKE YOU FIND A STUD LIKE THIS? Some girls have all the luck, damnit...
- Re: how could you not love the all-a... Lisais47
19 y
3,292
This is a reply to # 668,291Hey Bush/Cheney05
liked your note - found it quite amuzing
In answer to your question - how do lucky girls like me find
a badboy like this.
I hadn't been out to a bar in months - matter fact very seldom
go to bars - just about never. And I had checked out some dvds
on the history of Jazz. Therefore, I had a hankering for going
out to listen to a live band that Sat night with no intent of meeting any guy let alone going home with a guy. And that's
how I met my boyfriend of 4 months (mid Oct 04 to mid Feb 05).
And the first week was so blissful and I was so happy spending every single night with him and being so happy he wanted me to be there, not wanting me to go home. But after about a week and a half of bliss then things started to go wrong. Had quite a few
good times after that but on a whole he never really treated me respectfully. And especially when my money situation went down and I wasn't contributing to buying his beer (even cigs sometimes) then things got worse and worse and came to a pretty bad conclusion on Feb 9th when I called the police on him for getting me down on the floor and holding me there with his foot (didn't cause me pain but scared me allot) for a number of seconds. And even after that night I kept wanting to hold on and I spent one more time with him about 2.5 weeks later. And he treated me bad again by bringing up his 3 sweethearts in his life and I wasn't even mentioned until I asked him "am I not one of them" and he did his usual thing of talking about young women (women who've never had babies and who are tight down there) and then early the next morning he pointed out in so many words - not very nice words about my having gained weight - making me feel as though I might as well crawl into a hole because I'm 45 to 50 lbs overweight. He said my butt stuck out and my belly stuck out and people would be calling me "little fat Lisa". Plus he took advantage and had me spend $18 on food for that night plus a couple extra items (him knowing that I could not afford to do so). And he had me walk quite aways by myself to the liquir store to buy him beer (he did actually give $5 for that) while he cooked our most expensive pizza he could have picked out in the grocery store. And he pretty well ruined that great pizza by cooking it to long anyways. So the next day when an officer unexpectedly came by my mobile home and wanted me to fill out a police report about the incident on Feb 9th I gladly did having been upset with the way he treated me. And then that Sat of which the next day was my birthday Feb 27th and I turned 47 -
well that Sat I talked with him on the phone and told him they were still thinking of arresting him. And I told him I didn't want him to go to jail and I'd try to get it dismissed. Well Sunday night I faxed 2 letters on his behalf to the states attorneys office to try to get it dismissed and Monday I tried to call him to tell him this (matter fact had told him Sat I was going to try to get the case against him dismissed) and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he sends this big, mean and rude police office to my door twice threatening me with arrest and charges of phone harrassment if I called boyfriend 1 more time. This rude cop told me he (boyfriend) wanted nothing to do with me and I was to call anymore or phone harrassment charges would be placed against me. And this rude officer who seemed very sexiest (against women) told me I wasn't to contact him in anyway that I couldn't even write him a letter. And so since that Monday Feb 27th I've not called my X-boyfriend or even as much as mailing him a letter and certainly not trying to go anywhere near his house. And so that's how our relationship has come to a pretty bad halt. And I still feel the love in my heart for him though I don't know why I would considering him calling the cops on me over nothing. I never did anything close to harrassing him or stalking him whatsoever. I didn't call constanting and did try to go over there 3 times in 3 weeks - one of these times being the night I spent with him. one time talked to him a couple minutes in his neighbors yard and the other time I went over there and was in his yard & his room-mate said he wasn't at home. That sat last time I spoke on the phone to him on Feb 26th
he had left 3 messages that very day for me to call him back. And he'd been accepting my calls in a friendly manner those 2.5 weeks after Feb 9th plus has met me downtown a couple times to play pool. So there he had no reason to call the police on me and accuse me of harrassing him at all. Well anyways I still think about him but I know it's best it's over and I'm trying my best to let go but it is very hard. I've been very lonely and very depressed. So the last time I talked with him was on the phone that Sat he left me the phone messages on Feb 26th and I've not seen him around at all and the last time I saw him personally was that Wed morning after I spent the Tuesday night, that one night of Feb 22nd. And so it's over. I know I should be very thankful and I know he's not what I wanted in a man anyways not unless he did an aweful lot of changes. And that last night we spent together he wouldn't even make love with me, however, he was happy to let me help him out if you know what I mean.- Re: how could you not love the all-a... Lisais47
19 y
3,269
This is a reply to # 668,314actually replying to my own writing
I forgot to mention - I pretty sure I got the case against
my Xboyfriend dismissed.
I'm pretty sure he did not get arrested for the Feb 9th incident.
so he's got an odd way of thanking me by calling the cops on me and trying to get me in trouble over absolutely nothing
well the 4 month ordeal is over and I was heartbroken pretty bad for like 2 weeks but I've pretty well bounced back from it and I've been doing pretty good. I can't say I'm generally very happy but I'm trying to work on ways to make my life better.
And I know I made the right decision to not go back with him.
He might not want me back anyways but even if he did I would
not give him another opportunity to hurt me mentally or physically again. - Re: how could you not love the all-a... Cynthia777
19 y
3,348
This is a reply to # 668,314" he never really treated me respectfully"
"things got worse and worse and came to a pretty bad conclusion on Feb 9th when I called the police on him for getting me down on the floor and holding me there with his foot"
"bringing up his 3 sweethearts in his life"
"he did his usual thing of talking about young women (women who've never had babies and who are tight down there)"
"he pointed out in so many words - not very nice words about my having gained weight - making me feel as though I might as well crawl into a hole because I'm 45 to 50 lbs overweight."
"He said my butt stuck out and my belly stuck out and people would be calling me "little fat Lisa"."
"had me spend $18 on food for that night plus a couple extra items (him knowing that I could not afford to do so)."
"And he had me walk quite aways by myself to the liquir store to buy him beer (he did actually give $5 for that) while he cooked our most expensive pizza he could have picked out in the grocery store. And he pretty well ruined that great pizza by cooking it to long anyways. "
"Then he sends this big, mean and rude police office to my door twice threatening me with arrest and charges of phone harrassment if I called boyfriend 1 more time."
Had enough yet? I'm sorry to say...I don't think you have. In fact, if he called you up this afternoon I'd bet that you would talk to him....maybe even meet him for a game of pool.
What strikes me the most is that looking at the above list....you had complete control over all of it. You could have stopped the whole thing dead in it's tracks. All you had to do was walk away. When he sent you for that liquor you could have pocketed his 5 bucks and not looked back. But you didn't. You went back for more.
There comes a time when you have to accept personal responsibility for what you allow others to do to you. I can relate to the abuse because I've been through it. But there came a time when I decided I was not going to be part of this type of dysfunction any longer. That is the decision you have to make and stand by it. Love is a decision. You have decided to pine away for this loser. No wonder you are depressed. Don't you think you can do any better than him?
Here's some news...until YOU begin to value YOU no one else will. You will continue to allow scuzzbags of all persuasions to walk all over you in the name of not being lonely.
Listen....get alone. Get alone for a good long time and do some searching within. Find out why you choose such destructiveness in you life BEFORE you get involved with anyone else. Otherwise you will just repeat the cycle.
Please.
- Re: how could you not love the all-a... Lisais47
19 y
3,269
- Re: how could you not love the all-a... Lisais47
19 y
3,292
- The hard truth krupaclassy
19 y
3,378
Share:
Translate This Page: