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8/5/14: worry, heartache, sadness, and a bit of happiness
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 8/6/2014 4:15:19 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 10477 times Tuesday, August 5, 2014
“Nothing thicker than a knife's blade separates happiness from melancholy.”
― Virginia Woolf, Orlando
Depression is really not fun dealing with. I haven't been doing well at all with either achieving goals or trying motivate myself in doing them. I haven't even wrote down my weekly goals for the month, which I was doing in January and February. I was late doing one in March and I haven't done one since. I will try to get a list of weekly goals drawn up for the month of August by tomorrow. I am really doing to try.
My friend at the Courthouse gave me a veggie goodie bag. She gave me a huge bag with the following items:
5 tomatoes (3 small ones and two large ones)
Approximately 2 pounds of green beans
3 small white onions
3 pickling cucumbers
3 yellow small banana peppers
1 large zucchini
1 large yellow squash
It was a lovely bag of veggies. She has a lovely garden so she wanted to share with me. I really makes me wish I had started my garden this year.
I still have 4 ears of corn,
a handful of green beans out of the pound I bought
approximately 6 ounces of baby carrots from the bag I bought
Approximately 6 handfuls (almost half of a pint still) of blueberries
1 cucumber and a half from the two that I bought.
I also have some lunchbox apples (3) at the office in the refrigerator that I can use for snacks and breakfast as well.
I am listing that because I want to time to gauge my snacks and meals with that I have. I have been eating the blueberries for breakfast and snacks so it shouldn't last much longer. The carrots, zucchini and yellow squash will go quickly as well. The corn shouldn't last too long either.
I am currently thinking about going to the grocery store to pick up some meat and/or dry beans, another bag of carrots and maybe some chia seeds. I might want to pick up a couple cans of sardines as I know it is healthier to eat sardines, then some fish like tuna or salmon, as they are harvested so early that they don't develop the toxins that other fish do. I want to make sure I have enough good food for at least Monday or Tuesday.
Well, after a day of work, I wasn't in the best mood. I was lonely, I was worried. I missed D. And I just needed to talk to someone. So I called my mother. We talked a bit and I told her that my depression is doing well. She just told me that I will figure it out and work it out, like I always do. She wasn't saying it in a manner that she was ignoring my depression. She just knows that I end up isolating myself in order to work out things in my head when I am depressed. She knows that I am trying to formulate a solution to my depression problem. I was checking my mail when I was talking to her. I noticed that I got a something from the Marion County Fair board. I was trying to figure out what they would be sending me. Well, let me give you a little bit history first.
The Marion County Fair runs for 6 days. I do reenactments for the Marion County Historical Society (mostly when I am not feeling so depressed) They needed reenactors for the week for the local log house on the fairgrounds. I went several times that week (not in reenactment garb. I didn't do my reenactment gig until the 4th with a couple others) to take photographs (which I usually love to do). I noticed that they had a photo contest, where you could submit up to 5 photographs. I thought about submitting some, as I had never do that before. I was a bit upset as it was going to be the first 4th of July not being spend with D., as he had to work on the 4th, and he thought it would be wasteful for me to drive up (2 hours) to see the fireworks with him and his daughters on the 3rd and then drive back home (2 hours). Honestly, I wouldn't have cared, but I didn't go. Anyway, my photos had to be submitted by 5 p.m. on the 4th. You could submit them by email. So I submitted 5 of my best photos by email on the 3rd. They said they would be judging the photographs on the 5th. I didn't get a call or an email from the Marion County Fair board so I thought I didn't win.
Well, I opened up the envelope which contained a letter thanking me for participating in the photo contest and inside was a FIRST PLACE blue ribbon!
The letter said:
“ Dear Photo Contestants,
We would like to thank you for entering our fair photo contest for 2014. We are delighted with the response we had this year. It was very difficult to pick the winners but we did get 2 winners. We are looking for pictures for publicizing the fair to other people. These pictures will be used on our website, in the fair book, in our office and in correspondence for the fair. You have all given permission to use the pictures but if you have changed your mind, please contact the office. Please keep an eye on our Facebook page and our website and you will probably see your pictures during the year. Thank you again for your interest in the fair!
Sincerely,
Candy Tripp
Manager
Marion County Fair”
Also in the letter at the bottom was the two pictures that were chosen. Out of the 5 that submitted they chose my photo (which was a nighttime shot) called “Nighttime at the 164th Annual Marion County Fair” It was night time shot, where the Ferris wheel, and another amusement ride was lit up as well as a couple food vendors. I thought it was a beautiful shot. That was the one that won! I was almost shouting in disbelief when I opened up the letter to find the first place blue ribbon. I couldn't believe it! I had never won anything like that before.
I was still very shocked that I won, that I went over to my neighbor and shared it with her. I haven't seen her much. She thought it was great that I won. She is a lovely person. She has never had children of her own, so we both kind of understand the heartache. She lost her husband two years ago, so I try to help me as much as I can, as she helps me as well. She asked me if I got my hot water heater fixed yet. I told her “No”. So she sent me home to get my stuff so I could take a nice hot shower. I haven't really got use to taking wash cloth baths/splashing showers, but I do what I can. I should be fixing my hot water heater this weekend (if I don't see D., which I have a bad feeling I won't see him again this week either. Sigh.)
Well, after my hot shower, she gave me a nice little glass of spiced brandy applejack that she made herself. It was very good and it was very relaxing with me. We talked about various things and she told me that I needed to have someone to vent with in order to release a lot of my worry and insecurity. She knows that I don't like to complain to others about how my life is. She told me that she is very proud of me, as I am very intelligence woman that has been able to support myself, and not rely on others to help me. She told me that she thought I was brave for doing a lot of things on my own (as she never does anything without going with someone or her mother. That she couldn't go to Pow Wow's or the Zoo by herself.) and just enjoy life as much as I can. She knows I am lonely and miserable because we talked about it. She asked me why I never come over. I told her that I didn't want to impose on her life, just because I needed friendship time. She said she sits alone a lot of time, and I could just come and we could hang out and just talk. She even talked about getting a couple of her single girl friends without children together so we could go out for coffee. I told her that would be really nice.
I told her that I really don't have any current (face to face type) friends as they are either the wrong crowd (as they do drugs or steal) or most of the good friends don't live in town (like my best friend and D.) So she said I could come over and hang out with her more then I do. I guess I am a bit shy about hanging out with other I don't know well and I do know her well. She has been my neighbor for over 8 years. I really like her. She told me that I am almost like a daughter to her, if she would have had one. That made me feel good.
I didn't get home until after midnight (I had a snack of popcorn too over there) because it was raining really hard and I had to wait until it was done raining to walk across the lawn to get to my home. I had a hard time sleeping for some reason. I only got about 2 hours sleep, but I wasn't tired at all. Maybe it was the excitement from winning the ribbon?
Oh well, whatever it was, it calmed a bit of my fears and insecurities. I still miss D. (Oh, I told him about my winning a blue ribbon, and he said “Awesome!” That made me feel good too. He at least said something to me!)
The Things that I accomplished already today are:
August 5, 2014
√ Make my bed
√ Feed, love and snuggle with my kitties
√ Read a little
The Things I want to accomplish before I go to bed:
August 5, 2014
Read more
Paint a little bit
washing some clothing
pick up trash
Wash some dishes
Trying calling my Dad
The Things I want to accomplish tomorrow:
August 6, 2014
Make my bed
Feed, love and snuggle with my kitties
Read a little
Paint a little bit
write a little
call my Dad
Put always 5 things
WEEKLY GOAL FOR August 3rd 2014 – August 9th, 2014
PUT $74 IN SAVINGS: This is budgeted in for the end of the week.
WRITE IN JOURNAL(AT LEAST TWICE (TO START): I need to start on this. I haven't yet.
FINISH READING A BOOK: I read a bit. I hope to finish the book by tomorrow.
CROCHET/KNIT: I haven't started this at all.
READ BIBLE: This kind of depresses me even more, because I used to be such a great Christian.
ORGANIZE MY NOVELS: I haven't worked on this at all today. I haven't had the heart to do anything. Sigh. I am really hating my life.
WRITE 1,000 WORDS ON MY NOVEL (3 times a week): I haven't worked on this at all.
GO TO LOWES (CHECK OUT FIXING LEAK IN WATER HEATER): Nope. Not yet.
CALL DAD: Nope. I tried calling my Dad, but I got no answer. They must have been very busy and/or not home when I called.
PICK UP 5 THINGS DAILY: No. I haven't done anything yet. Ugh!
MY FOOD LOG FOR: August 5, 2014
BREAKFAST: Handful of blueberries (40 calories)
DRINK: A cup of tea
SNACK: Handful of blueberries (40 calories)
DRINK: Water
LUNCH: 3 ounces of steamed carrots, half of a small yellow squash and half of a small zucchini. A small handful of green beans. Half of a cucumber. (Approximately 90 calories)
SNACK: none (I got too busy.)
DRINK: 8 ounces of Peach Nectarine Sparkling ICE (0 calories)
DINNER: (About 5:00 pm.) 3 ounces of steamed carrots, a handful of green beans, half of a small yellow squash and half of a small zucchini. ½ pound of pork ribs (2 really meaty ribs. I had 2 yesterday) (Approximately 715 calories )
SNACK: (Around 9:00 p.m.) Approximately 2 cups of unbuttered popcorn and 5 ounces of homemade Applejack Brandy ( Approximately 465 calories)
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 1,350 Calories
DAILY MORALE: A bit excited
POSITIVE THING: I found out that I won First Place in the Marion County Fair Photo Contest
EXERCISE: Walking, 1.92 miles
WATER INTAKE: Approximately 12 ounces
WEIGHT: 145 pounds
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