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1/29/14: A little heartache makes moving forward something.
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 1/30/2014 10:06:06 AM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 10374 times January 29, 2014
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” ~ Laurell K. Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss
I saw a post on Facebook today which kind of got me. I have a couple really mouth friends, which I tolerate, because “Hey, I am an understanding person” like that. Well, she was complaining how other younger mothers were complaining about their children. She was complaining and upset, because she struggles with infertility (probably due to her large obesity problem and being diabetic) and how younger mothers in their 20s shouldn't be complaining and probably not be having children that young. Of course, I read the thread, but I sided with her friend when she said just because you have a child young, doesn't mean that you are a bad parent. She further said, that when having a child, it either matures you and you become a good parent, or it doesn't and you become a poor one. I don't know what my friend does for a living (as I just met her on New Year's Eve at the party I went to with the Cowboy, his brother and his girlfriend, J.) but sometimes complaining about things, doesn't do anything up open more painful wounds. Being childless myself, is a sore spot. It isn't that I want to be childless. I want a child of my own, to nurture and raise, but I don't want to do it alone either. I want a family. A man that loves me, as well as his child. I want to raise a child knowing that his/her father loves him/her as well as me. Something I never grew up having. Maybe that is why I earn for this and probably worry so much when I have gotten pregnant in the past. I am always worried about what others will think (me not being married and such.) I know that if I complain about all the seemingly unworthy mothers out there ignoring/abusing their children, then I would be very bitter toward what I want so badly.
I work for an attorney's office, so I see a lot of files regarding ignored/neglected/abused children. It just tear at my heart to see children treated that way, but I can't do anything about it. I can only do things that affect me or those I can reach.
I guess you can say that Facebook is getting to me. People getting married, or happily married. People having babies. It just reminds me on all the things I do not have. I guess I tend to keep my weeping wounds out of the view of others. People do like to prey upon those that seem weaker. I know this from experience from my childhood as well as surviving from various forms as a young adult. I guess I need to disengage from those I am always seeing in what they are doing. I need to stop comparing my life to theirs.
I found this today that might help me.
How to be more confident
1. Stop comparing. Stay focused on you.
2. Relax. Go with the flow and don't stress the little things.
3. Love yourself. You are a gift Nothing would be the same if you didn't exist.
4. Be positive and look for the good in every situation.
5. Do what you love. Life is too short to waste your time doing anything otherwise.
I struggle with comparing a lot, and loving myself. I guess that is why I struggle with self esteem issues at times. I am not always as confident as I act at times. I fake it, because I know showing how small I feel, I would only be looked upon badly. I try to be positive in all that I do. In the past it was a not easier then it is now. A person can only be knocked down so many times before they just have a hard time getting back up for the thousandth time. I try not to allow the small things bug me too much. Sometimes I do, but most of the time, I just let if roll on past me. I need to work on not comparing as much. I think I would be much happier if I did.
I found this little list online that might help me. I thought it was helpful.
10 things to do everyday to make you happier
1. Listen to your favorite song - Sing it loudly. Let’s be honest, your voice is a combination of Fergie and Jesus and the world deserves to hear it.
2. Look around and realize how beautiful life is - I know, I was just a can of creamed corn right there, but seriously, it makes a difference. When you look around and really look at your surroundings, you get a newfound appreciation for life, and it never fails to make me smile.
3. Realize that people are going to try to bring you down, and don’t let them - You are awesome. You are pretty. And you deserve happiness. Don’t let the people who aren’t chill with that make you even a little upset.
4. Remind yourself that people love you - Because they do, like I said before, you’re awesome and people love awesome people.
5. Give someone a hug - Hugs are warm and they make both people feel 90% happier and more than likely 120% more awkward if it’s someone you don’t normally hug. It’s great.
6. Give a stranger a compliment - And not the kind that’s like, “OMG girl dat necklace is mad s’cute where did you get it girl yo style is FABULOUS”. I mean a genuine compliment about the person. Compliments feel a lot more real when it’s from someone who won’t gain anything by saying it to you.
7. Do something active - Gee I’m sure we all didn’t see that one coming. I’ve said it 1,00 times on this blog and I’ll say it again…. Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands…. They just don’t.
8. Say yes to something you normally wouldn’t - If you tend to feel “too tired” or “too stressed” to do something that could potentially be fun, just say yes to it and see what happens. It could be amazing, it could be awful and then you have a funny story. Either way you win something.
9. Help someone without expecting anything in return - This could be as small of a gesture as holding a door open for someone with their hands full. I personally like buying the coffee for the person in line behind me at Starbucks. Whatever it is, help someone without expectation, and you’ll be surprised what happens.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them - This is probably the hardest thing for me, strangely. I am not an emotional person and expressing my feelings is borderline painful for me. But when you tell people you love them and you get an “I love you” in return, it makes you feel all warm. Kind of like when you pee.
I haven't listen to any music lately. I will have to try and add that to my list of daily things to do. I will have to start getting up a little early. I am usually up earlier but since it has been so cold, I keep in bed later then I normally would, just to stay warm.
I was running a couple errands for the office, and I thought about how my mother when I was a little child, sent me tons of valentines by mail (as she lived in Ohio, and I in Upstate New York). I remember taping them on the back of my door in my bedroom. I think was about 6 years old, as I was in Kindergarten at the time. I thought about sending valentines to the Cowboy's daughter, then he might get upset if I sent to many. So I thought I might send a couple to her, but I could also fill a bunch out and drop them off at a nursing home for those people that don't get much from people. I will have to see, where I might be able to get some cheep, yet cheery Valentines cards either at the Dollar Tree or Odd Lots. I thought that might help me feel better about myself if I reached out and made some one else feel better as well. It is just an idea that I thought it might make me feel a bit more confident and move toward being more positive then sulking in my depression.
I should start thinking about Spring cleaning as I really need to do this, as everything is so cluttered right now in my home. As soon as it is a little bit warmer (it feels like 40 degrees in parts of my home) I can start organizing particular things like my DVD, my crafts, books, etc.
I have been working on what my new goals for the month of February are. I looked over my 2014 Yearly goals, and based them upon working on those, as well as how well I have been able to keep a goal going for a month (such as Budgeting and saving) I have decided that I will drop them from the weekly goal, as those are doing well, and work on goals that need to be started. I will still have to check up on at the end of the month to see how I am doing or if I am keeping up on my Budget and Saving.
This is what I have so far. I can add or change what I want if need be.
Weekly goals for February 2014
FEBRUARY 2014
Goals for February 2nd - February 8th, 2014
1. Learn Numbers in French
2. Write in Journal
3. Find Gardening notebook
4. Take picture of Bickle in two places
5. Crochet/knit
6. Finish a book
7. Read Bible
8. Buy Valentines cards and send out to nursing homes
9. Water fast (maybe)
10. Tune Guitar
Goals for February 9th – February 15th, 2014
1. Read first chapter of Complete Idiot’s guide to learning French
2. Write in Journal
3. Finish a book
4. Crochet/knit
5. Read the Bible
6. Organize my novels
7. Find Guitar book
Goals for February 16th – February 22nd, 2014
1. Figure out what novel I am going to finish in 2014
2. Write in Journal
3. Read the Bible
4. Finish a book
5. Crochet/knit
6. Plan garden
7. Learn a chord on guitar
Goals for February 23rd, - February 28th, 2014
1. Write at least 1,500 words in novel
2. Write in Journal
3. Read the Bible
4. Finish book
5. Crochet/knit
6. 2nd Rough Draft of Bickle story
7. Work on blanket
8. Work on French
I am going to try and do these. All I can do is try my best. That means I have to be on top of things. I think will end up having a Check In List on Friday that will list things that I have been doing well with, such as following a Budget,(#13) balancing my checkbook (#13), giving up junk food (#9) and saving money (#1) (*See January 6, 2014 Entry for 2014 Yearly goals to understand the numbers) With the Check In List, on Friday can document how I have been doing, or to be honest, how I have not been doing on it.
The Things that I accomplished already today are:
January 29, 2014
√ Make my bed
√ Feed and love on my kitties
√ Read a little
√ Check my pipes
√ Call my Dad
The Things I want to accomplish before I go to bed:
January 29, 2014
Read more
Pick up Trash and recyclables for tomorrow
WEEKLY GOAL FOR JANUARY 26th – FEBRUARY 1st, 2014
WORK ON BUDGET: I am doing great on this so far. It is pretty much taking care of itself, as long s I don't spend anything out of my budget. LOL. UPDATE: I bought something from Subway, so it is my Budget will be off, as it wasn't planned for me to spend money on food.
WRITE IN JOURNAL 7 TIMES: Nope. Another day, in which I have written anything.
FINISH A BOOK: I have read a little on one book and a little on the other. I hope to finish at least one of them by Saturday if I keep going like this.
WRITE 1,000 WORDS ON MY NOVEL: I wrote a little bit but not much. I hope to write more tomorrow. I only wrote about 30 words. Not much at all. I know, but it is a start. I will work on coming up with a rough outline, (at least the first chapter) so I can start writing about this novel (which I never really planning much on writing yet). Better luck tomorrow with getting farther.
CROCHET 5 TIMES: Nope. But I am really getting encouraged with my Bickle story line and my Whatsit story line. I need to finish my 5 other “Bickles” for others. I might just start this by the end of the week. At least that will be something.
READ BIBLE 7 TIMES: I haven't started this either, but I think my heart is moving toward wanting to open it. I have had several urges, but something is always preventing me from really going through it. Maybe I need to listen to my Bible on CD to get me started? I might do that.
SAVE $10.00 IN SAVINGS: This is actually budgeted to come out of my check ($10.00 + $20.00) next week when I can afford it. But good thing, is that I am still saving, as it will come out. Just not this week, unfortunately.
CREATE A PIECE OF ARTWORK: I haven't started this, but the idea is still there. Waiting for it to warm up just a bit more, before I start cutting and pasting in my cold trailer.
WRITE ROUGHT DRAFT OF BICKLE STORY: I am still working on several story lines. I have to do a little bit more research as I don't know how long children's stories are (word wise and page wise). But I think I can get a rough outline started. At times, I can almost “hear” the story being told in my head. I guess that is a good thing.
WATER FAST: I am feeling okay. I think it has been 3 days now. And I haven't eaten anything yet today, but still not appetite. So I am just seeing how I am going. I might have started a fast, but I won't know until I either feel the urge to want to eat something or I just go with it. At least I am not crying a lot anymore, like I was on Sunday and a couple times on Monday. UPDATE: I ended up picking up a 6 inch Chicken Bacon Ranch sub and a 6 inch Spicy Italian sub. I ate about a quarter of the chicken bacon ranch sub, and I was done. It sat in my stomach heavy. Probably because I should have had soup instead of something heavy like meat and bread. I ended up feeding the chicken and bacon to Mekong, as Lamareoux (Lammy) wouldn't eat any of it. She is picky like that.
My Haiku for the day
January 29, 2014
The sun shines brightly,
While a true heart hides desire,
Abiding the bloom
MY FOOD LOG FOR : January 29, 2014
BREAKFAST: None
DRINK: A cup of green tea (coffee cup)
SNACK: None
DRINK: Water
LUNCH: None
SNACK: None
DINNER: A quarter of Subway Chicken Bacon Ranch sub with provolone cheese with spinach, green peppers, onions, black olives, yellow banana peppers, a little bit of ranch and mayo.
DAILY MORALE: A little positive
POSITIVE THING: The one attorney commented that I was loving svelte and asked if I had been losing weight. I think it is because the fat on my face has thinned out.
EXERICISE: Walking, 2.51 miles
WATER INTAKE: Approximately 8 ounces
WEIGHT: 142 pounds
INITIAL STARTING WEIGHT: 147 pounds (1/20/14 -1/24/14 (5 days))
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