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1/27/14: Ideas twirl around my head along with my depression
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 1/28/2014 2:21:50 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1800 times January 27, 2014
“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” ~Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
Monday. Horrible Monday. I just wanted to lay in bed all day because it was so cold out. It was like 3 degrees out. I can't handle this freezing cold much longer. I am having to be very careful about making sure my faucets are making tiny streams in order for them not freeze.
Sigh. Part of me wishes that I had someone to hold me tight on those cold nights, And someone I could talk to me on those quite nights. I am starting to forget what it is like to be held and loved. I remember what it was like faintly, when the Guy lived with me (that wasn't quite normal, as he was never home, and didn't hold me much). Cold, lonely nights remind me of the times with the Cowboy and what I had for a short while with him.
Am I that broken, that no one wants me? Sigh.
The day went slow, and of course, I was cold. My mind was full of things. Goals, disappointments, bills, etc. I had no appetite, I guess, because I didn't realize I hadn't eating anything until after I got off work. At this point, I really didn't care. One day doesn't constitute as a planned water fast (as I had a cup of tea during the morning) so if I end up starting again, great. But if I don't, it is just because I am just not feeling great enough to feel like eating. Nothing unusual.
The Things that I accomplished already today are:
January 27, 2014
√ Make my Bed
√ Feed and love on my kitties
√ Check my pipes and faucets
√ Work on my Budget.
√ Call my Dad
√ Read
The Things I want to accomplish before I go to bed:
January 27, 2014
Check my faucets again
Read more
WEEKLY GOAL FOR JANUARY 26th – FEBRUARY 1st, 2014
WORK ON BUDGET: So far I am on target with this. This week's budget is going to be very tight. I have $300.00 coming out for lot rent, and approximately $25.00 (I might be a little less, as I tend to round up) for my P. O. Box for 6 months. I calcuated that I will have only 7 dollars left in my checking, but I might have a little bit more.
WRITE IN JOURNAL 7 TIMES: Nope, I didn't work on this at all.
FINISH A BOOK: I read a little bit, but not much to make much of a difference in this goal.
WRITE 1,000 WORDS ON MY NOVEL: I found some notes in one of my books that I was reading. It was notes for one of my novels that I started mocking up back in June of 2013 regarding an idea I had regarding what I read about the Tzadikim Nistarim. I came up with the idea when a guy (B.W) that liked me told me that I live my life like Batman. It was funny, actually, because he pointed out that my childhood was filled with pain and abuse, yet I strive to do good in all that I do for myself as well as others. He said that I was kind of like Batman. I really liked that. So I started reading about Batman and came across a reference of the Tzadikim Nistarim. Sadly, the guy stopped talking to me, when I felt pressured into going into his house after only going on a 2nd meeting/date with him. I didn't feel comfortable, as I had a couple red flags going off, so I thought I would just enjoy the weather, and his garden. I saw nothing wrong with it. He got angry and stopped talking to me. Sigh. Oh well. My note contained some names for possible characters like Jake, Ryan, Harbeck, Lucia, Lewis, Doss, Geckler, Ashwin, Maxwell, Lauren, Zeke, Pope Duncan and Neil, as well as a list 11 religions in which I found some type of religious symbols that I could use. Of course, the mock up involved 3 possible books. The first one being what I am calling Splintered Righteousness. The other novels in the series are called Broken Illusion and Whispers of Truth. I might start working on this novel, as I haven't. So far the only mock up that I have done is the summary, which I start with all my novels. I need to write the characters down, 10 scene cards, and then a mocked out outline. Maybe I will do this, this week. I guess I will share the summary that I have regarding this potential novel. I know that Nelson Mandela died, but I mocked this out back in 2013 when he was still fairly healthy and very much alive. I might have to change a couple things. I don't know yet. I haven't really thought much about this novel, until I found my notes today. Here is my summary:
2013 SPLINTERED RIGHTEOUSNESS:- While working at the John F. Kennedy International Airport, Martin Turner, witnesses a once-in-a-life time opportunity, to meet both Nelson Mandela and the 14th Dalai Lama on their way to the 2013 World Peace Summit. It is at that time, he also witnessed, something that no one has never noticed before, and puts everyone involved in danger.
CROCHET 5 TIMES: Nope. I haven't worked on this at all.
READ BIBLE 7 TIMES: No. I haven't even tried to start this. I need to look into how I might encourage myself.
SAVE $10.00 IN SAVINGS: This was originally budgeted in, but that was before I realized I need to pay my P. O. Box fees for 6 months. It is like $23.00 or so and they are due January 31st, so I won't have enough to put in my Savings. I have to pay my lot rent too on January 31st. I am just planning on taking out $30.00 on February 7th, then I get paid again.
CREATE A PIECE OF ARTWORK: I am thinking about making doing a collage of some sorts regarding Tzadikim Nistarim, since my mind is on it. I just have to stay warm enough to want to cut out things in magazines, and glue them on piece of part. This cold weather is really killing any motivation I do have. At least I can keep warm under my covers when I am in bed.
WRITE ROUGH DRAFT OF BICKLE STORY: I thought I would write about Bickle and being scared of the dark. I thought I might name it Bickle and the Carrot in the shadows. I am just playing around with ideas. I thought I could have it that Bickle has a stuffed carrot that he sleeps with. The idea I have so far is: He goes to bed, and he is a little frightened of the dark. He hides under the covers. A wind storm wakes him up, and he is scared. He looks for his little carrot and can't find it. He sees all kinds of things in the moon light. A scary figure in the corner. He find out it is just some of his clothes. He looks in the hall way, and sees a scary figure. It is just his pajama hat, that fell off his head, on the way to bed. In in the living room, he sees another scary figure, only to find it is his book and blanket on the couch. He finally goes back to bed, a little braver than before, only to find his beloved carrot tucked under is blankets, sleeping soundly. It isn't much of a story, but it would be a good story for a child that is scared of various things unknown. I might tweak a lot of things in it. But the idea is forming. I read a nice article about Writing children's books regarding coming up with ideas to write about. It is all about changing your outlook and view point to a child's. Right now, I have a little motivation, as now I need to knit a tiny carrot for Bickle and his possible story. I thought maybe Bickle could have a nightmare about mean carrots. Something like Bickle and Mean Mushy Carrot. I just came up with that one too. I might have something to go upon here. I guess I could start crocheting and finishing the other “Bickle like” bunnies that I have started for other people. (I have 5 that I was working on in November 2013 and failed to finish yet)
WATER FAST: I have went all day without eating. I have no appetite, but that doesn't mean that won't change. I haven't planned another fast yet, but I might have just thrown myself into one with my depression. I don't know. I will have to see how I am feeling tomorrow and if I have eaten anything. Depression never helps me have much of an appetite.
I have been very depressed. I think it is the weather, because I am not able to do much (because that would require heating my trailer higher then I can afford) other then huddling under my covers and trying to stay warm when I am home. Once the weather warms up a little, then my trailer won't be as cold as it is at 50 degrees inside, while it is only 3 degrees outside. I know it sounds sad, but it is, what it is. I always struggle more during this time of year, because I want to be out in the sunshine, and garden, and smell the fresh air. And all I am is holed up in a cold metal box, under tons of blankets while reading books. I love reading books, but being cold is never fun. I dream of warmer weather. Thursday it might be in the 20's before it dips back down to low temperatures at night again on Sunday. I really yearn for 30 and 40 degree weather.
I wonder how I will be feeling tomorrow. Do other people get depressed this time of year, or is it just me, because my home life reeks? Sigh. I really want more warmth in my life right now. This Polar Vortex is really getting old.
DAILY MORALE: Alive, but depressed
POSITIVE THING: I had a long talk with my Stepmother and my sleepy Dad said “Good night” to me.
EXERICISE: Walking, 2.45 miles
WATER INTAKE: Approximately 10 ounces
WEIGHT: 145 Pounds
INITIAL STARTING WEIGHT: 147 pounds (1/20/14 -1/24/14 (5 days))
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