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8/4/14: Hanging on, but it is hard.
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 8/5/2014 4:37:15 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1148 times
Monday, August 4, 2014
“They say when you are missing someone that they are probably feeling the same, but I don't think it's possible for you to miss me as much as I'm missing you right now” ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is sad when things never seem to change. D. still doesn't talk to me much. If anything, it is just a single sentence. I really miss know all the newer things he is reading about or doing. I felt like I am just pestering him. I really miss our closeness, we once had. I haven't seen him in over a month and I am really feeling it.
I know I am being stupid about it. I can't help what my heart feels. I really miss hearing his voice, his laugh, and his thoughts. I miss his smile, and his quirky way of looking at things. I miss S., his daughter as well. Sometimes I think my life is just so doomed, because my true feelings are never seen or appreciated as what they are. I guess that is why I hate myself. I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough or skinny enough for him. I am not 20 years old and I don't have a 20 year old body. Sigh. I am 40. I thought I had a lot to offer someone, but I am finding out that I really don't. D. once loved me for who I am was, and now he doesn't. Where did I go wrong??
Sigh,
I am having a very bad day.
I know I should be more positive, but I really don't see much to be positive about anymore. My life is in shambles, I am just doing thing day to day to keep going.
I talked to my Dad a bit. They are getting ready to move which is depressing as well. My Stepmother knew I was suppose to go camping with Daniel this week, and she asked about it. I told her that he canceled it. She knows I have been looking forward to it in so many ways (as this is the 2nd cancellation).
Later that night, I got a text from M. (a guy that my Stepmother has been getting me to talk to as he has the same likes as I do) asking me how I was doing. He invited me to go camping with him in the Adirondacks, in the first week in September, but I couldn't get it off to go as so much needs to be done during that week. Sigh. Well, he assumed that I hadn't be able to get it off. He said that the mountains weren't going anywhere and he could take me at anytime. He said he would like to get me to know me more as I am a very interesting lady. I should say that it made me feel good that someone is interested in me, but I would be lying if I did. It was nice to read, but still depressing. I told him I am sorry I haven't called him and I have been fighting depression for the last couple weeks and that I would try to call him this week and that I was sorry. He said that it was okay. I don't know how I feel about it all. My stepmother told me weeks ago she wasn't trying to hook me up with anymore. She just wanted me to be able to talk to someone that could relate to all my hobbies and likes. She doesn't understand that I can't talk to someone else about how I am feeling. My Poppa and my stepmother really don't want to hear about my heartache with D. And I can't talk to another guy about it. It isn't right.
Anyway, my depression isn't something I can easily talk about to anyone. I might talk a little bit about it with my mother or my stepmother, but not much. They don't understand what it is like to feel so alone as I do. My mother has my aunts and my uncle. She hangs out with her friends. My Stepmother has my Dad and my other siblings and her friends. Who do I have? My friends are never around. And I can't ask them to spend time with me. My siblings really don't talk to me. It is just my parents. I can't really talk to D. about missing him, because that will just drive him farther away from me then he is. It is so hard. I want to tell someone how much I hurt and just to get a hug. I miss D. hugging me or his daughter. I miss feeling close to someone.
Sigh.
Just a boring night. I had a 2nd dinner, as I really need some meat in my meal. I picked up a nice pound of pork ribs at the grocery store.
This is what I purchased:
1 pound of pork ribs: $4.60
A bag of baby carrots: $1.00
4 ears of sweet corn:$1.20
Two cucumbers: $1.00
A pound of green beans: $0.50
A pint of blueberries: $1.00
I think I did well picked up good food. I think I am getting sick of carrots though. I usually only buy what is on sale, if I can afford it. Most of the stuff will last me about 4 days in total before I go back to the store and pick up some more veggies (and possible meat)
I need to calculate things like calories. I just eat, and after I have eaten I calculate the calories, as they aren't that important to me. I know I am eating healthy. Now if I ate a half of bag of potato chips, I might get upset. It just give me something to “calculate” in order to keep my mind busy. Almost like keeping a budget and documenting what good food I am buying. Last night, I was craving a bit of cake or something super sweet, but I shoved a handful of blueberries in my face. I should be proud because I am eating healthy calories and my body is happy about that. Maybe after two weeks of fully eating healthy, I might splurge and have a bit of junk food. The last time I had a bit of junk food was Saturday (potato chips) so if I can make it until August 15th without junk food, I should be doing good.
I cooked the pork ribs and cut it in half, and set it a side for tomorrow's dinner, as I want to be eating a bit of meat only for dinner. I am going to keep eating fresh fruit and veggies during the day if I can. Meat is getting very expensive, and I may have to buy some dry beans and start using those in my meals as well. I want to pick up some chia seeds as well to help supplement my diet through out the week/day. I have been eating well and plenty of healthy food. It makes my body feel good that I am eating healthy, but my mind isn't feel happy. I thought it might make me happier and get rid of my depression. I will try it for a while. I have been eating better then I was back in April. I started eating well after my sister's wedding in May. I weigh about 155 pounds then. I have lost about 9 pounds naturally, just by watching what I eat and how much I eat. That is always good. Then again, I saw how skinny my sister is and I felt like a blimp, which didn't help with my depression. She got married and I am still single and hoping for D. to want me in his heart again like he once did. Sigh. I don't know. I might try a water fast before the end of the summer, as they say fasting in the summer is easier, because of the heat keeps you warmer. I know in the past a long fast has helped me overcome depression. As I am thinking more about how to solve things other then what I might be focused on.
I don't know I will have to see. My mind is all over the place regarding what I should do and shouldn't do. I want to eat healthy. I want to be skinnier (as D. might like that better about me). But my heart isn't into wanting to fast. My heart isn't into a lot of things right now. I am just one giant feeling and that feeling is “hurt”.
I am really trying to just keep my head above water. I feel so lost.
I just don't know anymore.
The Things that I accomplished already today are:
August 4, 2014
√ Feed, love and snuggle with my kitties
√ Read a little
√ Paint a little bit
The Things I want to accomplish before I go to bed:
August 4, 2014
Read more
washing some clothing
pick up trash
Wash some dishes
Trying calling my Dad
The Things I want to accomplish tomorrow:
August 5, 2014
Make my bed
Feed, love and snuggle with my kitties
Read a little
Paint a little bit
write a little
call my Dad
WEEKLY GOAL FOR August 3rd 2014 – August 9th, 2014
PUT $74 IN SAVINGS: It is planned to come out on Friday. It has budgeted to come out so I should be good.
WRITE IN JOURNAL(AT LEAST TWICE (TO START): I haven't started yet. Hopefully, I can do this tomorrow.
FINISH READING A BOOK: I read a little bit last night. Not much, but at least it is something.
CROCHET/KNIT: I haven't started this at all.
READ BIBLE: I was almost urged to open my Bible, but once I failed on this once again.
ORGANIZE MY NOVELS: I worked on organizing my own novel “Rune Maiden”. Working on the outline. I was able to get all the folders into my Google Drive (based on all my novel titles. I have 52 folders ready to hold notes, written pages, and ideas for all the novels that I have started some way or another. Some will hold pages and pages up to 50,000 words or more and others will just have notes as I haven't started on them. (I really need a laptop to work on it, as I am really tired of working on a desk top computer anymore. I am trying to save up for one, but I am trying to do so much as well)
WRITE 1,000 WORDS ON MY NOVEL (3 times a week): Nope
GO TO LOWES (CHECK OUT FIXING LEAK IN WATER HEATER): Nope
CALL DAD: I spoke with my Dad briefly. They are busy moving and packing. They are doing the big move this weekend, so I won't be able to get a hold of them unless by cell phone. And on Monday, their number will be changed. They have had the same number for over 20 years. I hate they are going to have a new number, as they are moving out of the town and into a small town. Sigh.
PICK UP 5 THINGS DAILY: Nope. I didn't work on this at all. I don't know if this is going to help at all. I picked up a book to read it but that was about it. Sigh.
MY FOOD LOG FOR: August 4, 2014
BREAKFAST: Handful of blueberries (40 calories)
DRINK: A cup of tea
SNACK: Handful of blueberries (40 calories)
DRINK: Water
LUNCH: A cup and half of steamed carrots half of a small yellow squash and half of a small zucchini. Half of a tomato. (Approximately 60.5 calories)
SNACK: A handful of blueberries (40 calories)
DRINK: 8 ounces of Peach Nectarine Sparkling ICE (0 calories)
DINNER: (About 4:30 pm.) A cup and half of steamed carrots, half of a small yellow squash and half of a small zucchini. Half of a tomato. (Approximately 60.5 calories)
DINNER: (About 6:30 pm.) 3 ounces of steamed carrots, a handful of green beans. ½ pound of pork ribs (The package said a pound, but cooked it and cut it in half and saved the rest for tomorrow's dinner) (Approximately 695.5 calories )
SNACK: (Around 8:00 p.m.) 3 handfuls of blueberries over an an hour (120 calories)
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 1056.5 Calories
DAILY MORALE: Bored and sad
POSITIVE THING: Mekong cuddled with me.
EXERCISE: Walking, 1.74 miles
WATER INTAKE: Approximately 20 ounces
WEIGHT: 146 pounds
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