|
7/22/2014: Sadness runs my life.
My daily journey toward a healthier lifestyle, a happier life and finding peace in my own world.
Date: 7/22/2014 3:06:41 PM ( 10 y ) ... viewed 1170 times
July 22, 2014
“What you must understand about me is that I’m a deeply unhappy person.”
~ John Green, Looking for Alaska
I am not currently on a fast. I haven't been since February. I never did get very far. At this point, I don't really care. February seems so long ago right now. So much has happened, which I can't figure if it is a good thing or not. My heart still chases D. And spending some time with him in late June, confuses me even more. He has told me that he doesn't know what he wants. (Of course, that was when he was drinking) As well as other things that break my heart. My heart has been broken in so many pieces for so long, I no longer try to piece them together like they mean anything. Pain really changes a person. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes you insecure. And it makes feel unwhole.
I haven't felt whole in a long time. I can't remember what on-going happiness feels like. (I have to figure that the last time I was really happy was when D. and I were a couple back in 2011.)
Honestly, I don't know what I am doing anymore. And to be more honest, I really don't care.
So you can say that my life isn't very shiny. And it isn't very bright. It is just a dark, stormy mess.
Things changed. I am eating well, when I can afford it. I find myself that I really can't afford junk food, as money is tight. I got my car paid off but that extra $200.00 doesn't go very far. Everything is so expensive. My hot water heater went out 3 weeks ago, so I am saving up for that, which isn't fun at all. But I am adapting to whatever I have.
My youngest sister, A., go married in May, which I saved $625.00 to go to Florida to attend (A round trip ticket and money to cover a rental car. I stayed with my mother). It was a lovely event, but I have to say that it was overly depressing for me. The only people I knew there was my Stepmother, my Poppa, my sister, my uncle, an aunt and a cousin. And I am not very close to even those people anymore. All I can ask myself is when did I become such a failure in life.
I am not married. (Yes, I know that being married isn't everything and it is hard work)
I have no children (Yes, I know that being a parent isn't all that it is cracked up to be as well)
I live alone (It is really not fun at all, regardless of all the time I have to myself)
And that is it. I just fill my life with exciting events, like attending a 30th Great Mohican Indian Pow Wow, but it is just only to distract how empty my life really is. I am starting to hate waking up in the morning, just to do the same thing every day, regardless what changes.
I want to say that I could care less if D. finds someone else. I want him happy, but I don't think he will be. He wants skinny, tall model type women. A women that looks gorgeous, yet has a brain. Unfortunately, it isn't the most realistic. D. has told me that he is shallow. Sigh. Yeah, I don't measure up, which adds to my depression. I am not skinny enough to meet his standards.
Yet, I have a college education. An associate's Degree. I paid for my college out of my own pocket, while working. I have lived on my own since I was 18 years old. I own my own home and my own car. I have a good job that I have worked at for 16 years. I am well educated and high intelligent. I tend to be overly kind to others, (which adds to me getting hurt a lot) and have a lot of hobbies. (Amazing how once these were all things that he was amazed that was encompassed into one personality and wanted so badly in his life.) But it seems really worthless now. Half the time, it is almost as if I had to convince myself that I am a good person or I have a great personality. As I said, I don't really care anymore. I stopped crying months ago (when D. confused me with this or that). I don't even know if I have anymore tears to shed.
I am tired of this life. In this world. People are so hateful and selfish anymore. It seems that all they think about is themselves and what life can provide them. (Yes, I know I am being selfish, with complaining about my depression and life, as there are so many others less fortunate then me. I am really not going without. I have food, a job, and a place to sleep.) I am not really enjoying much anymore. I was suppose to go to the Zoo and a water park with my best friend last Saturday, but on Friday, I decided I really didn't want to pretend I was all happy when I wasn't. It didn't make much of a difference, as my best friend didn't bat an eye.
I guess the only thing that really touched my soul was when I woke up around 2:00 a.m this morning. I was laying on my stomach with my left arm curled up beside my face with my palm facing up. I woke up to find my 14 year old cat, M., sleeping with her head in my hand, and her nose almost touching mine. Normally, I would over look something like this, but her closeness as well as that she purposely laid her head in my open hand really says a lot. She really does love me even in my walk of darkness. And she tries to comfort me in any way she can. It lightened my heart for a little while.
I don't know what my goals are, as I haven't worked toward any since March. I don't see why it matters anymore. I don't seem to get anywhere. It isn't like my life is changing in anyway that is very important. It is almost like I don't have anything I enjoy anymore. I don't follow God. I don't enjoy crafting anymore. I do enjoy going out with my friends. (I should say, “What friends?”) I try very hard not to wander on the internet, looking at things I shouldn't (like D. dating profile which is who I know he is looking for a girlfriend). The internet just tortures me, as I wonder about all my past relationships I have had, and regret something about them. Maybe how I could have saved them, and found myself happy. I have even thought about how I could have been happy with one of them. It makes me miss T. so much. And even P.
Most of all, all I see is how I have wasted so much of my life being alone, and trying to enjoy my life and sharing with someone. It is so hard to want to make someone you love a cup of coffee? Or want to fight for covers with someone you love on a cold night? (No, it isn't much, but it seems so impossible in my life. Unless I am super skinny and probably dumb as a box of rocks) Maybe if I was a bitch and told people off, like some people do. (No, that really isn't me. I usually refrain from calling names, unless it directed toward myself only, usually in silence) I see that People that have attitudes, seem to have it all. Husbands, lovers, money, homes, and jewels. (Well, not that I want all those things. I just want love. A love that weathers the storm and to share the sunshine with. Of course, that is impossible for me.) They seem to have so much. Then again, it might just be Facebook influencing me. Honestly, it is my own social life with people. Not like I have anymore that does anything with me regularly. (It was a shock that my best friend wanted to do something with me. Now I regret that I didn't go. My weekend was horrible and lonely.) I go to events, festivals, beaches and other things usually alone.
All I do anymore is read. I have been reading just to shut off my worrying mind. And writing a bit (working on a novel, if you want to call it that). Worrying about if D. has found someone, since he doesn't talk to me much anymore. Worrying about if I was skinnier or had more money, that he might change his mind about me. (Trying so hard not to care. Trying so hard to pretend that what he doesn't hurt me.) Worrying about how I am failing as an older daughter (to my Poppa) and an only daughter (to my mother) in so many ways. It seems that everybody is just sprinting past me in life, because I haven't achieved the simple things in life. I have no family of my own. I am a solitary peg in the machine that is full of pegs in groups and in couples.
Gosh, I hate my life. I really hate it so much. I really wonder if I made different choices, how my life would be. Would I be happy? It is sad that I envy so many people that walk down the sidewalk, busy with children in tow. How I wish I could just hold hands with D, while we walked on one of our adventures together. We are suppose to go camping in Illinois the first week in August to check out the land that he claiming. Sigh. Does it mean anything that he asked me in April if I wanted to move to Illinois and build a log cabin with him. (Yeah, a model type of women, will really want to do that and enjoy it. Sigh.) At this point, I don't know if we are going or not. He hasn't told me that the plans have changed, but I worry so much. I worry so much my stomach hurts. My life is in such turmoil, that the only thing that keeps me focused most of the time when I am alone, is reading a book. If my mind stops reading, I immediately wonder about D., or worry about my Poppa (who is currently dying), or worry about if I am pretty enough and wish I had more money to buy all the nice things that make others noticeable in the eyes of others.
Sigh.
I hate my life. . .
I hate that nothing seems right anymore.
I hate that everything just seems to move forward and I am just left standing alone.
I hate that my life is really nothing. And I am nothing.
Add This Entry To Your CureZone Favorites! Print this page
Email this page
 Alert Webmaster
|
