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try again, afternoon break 14 y
afternoon break
Full of anxiety - grief symptoms returning: shortness of breath, thick tongue, anxiety, softly asking for help outloud without realizing it until I’ve done it, looking for ’buzz’ in anything, daydreaming about what was. Man oh man.
Finishing up salad with strawberries and sunflower seeds. It was big and I was working while I ate. Drank a cup of miso soup as well. Checking email every hour for diversion. Created spreadsheet with a ton of formulas for unsold inventory vs. reports needed against reports in storage, blah, blah, blah. Saying silent prayers for ex in his 3pm meeting to ... read more try again, lunch 14 y
hello afternoon
Oh man. I made it through the morning. Went out on lunch to the hardware store and thought ”a creemee cone would hit the spot” then I remembered that I just don’t act that way today. Tomorrow is not even a consideration - so I won’t waste my brain power on it. I need all the cells I have firing right here, right now.
So, back at my desk. I am restless and wishing for some kind of a chemical change in my body all morning. So, I’ll eat my salad and crunch some sunflower seeds. I forgot that I brought Miso for soup between meals. I had some this morning and it hit the spot.
It’s ... read more Try again. 14 y
one hour at a time
Okay - a new day and a new opportunity. I’ll take today in hourly increments. I can do that.
Breakfast was a banana washed down with a mixture of distilled water, pomegranate juice and apple cider. Almonds for a crunchy snack.
I packed a green salad with balsamic dressing and strawberries for lunch. I have sunflower seeds for another crunchy snack. I have an apple - but it’s not going to get eaten the way I feel about it now. However - it is my feelings that I am attempting to tame in this discipline.
For dinner? I have fresh broccoli and carrots at home waiting and a head ... read more refuse to give up 14 y
refuse to give up
I refuse to just give up. I am worth it. My life is worth it.
Day 3 was hell and every day since I’ve just been bingeing.
Action is the key. Make a plan, a reasonable and sane plan then follow it.
Tonight I am going to do just that.
I refuse to give up. visit the page day 2/90 14 y
day 2/90
Ugghhhh. Nausea.
Cider, Pomegranite & distilled water and a banana for breakfast.
Salad w/balsamic for lunch.
Almonds for snack.
Darn near swerved off the road to get an ice cream before I remembered ”Oh, yeah - I’m not doing that right now.” Same at work - almost pit-stopped into the store for a candy bar to break up the day. That’s at least 1000 calories in those two little splurges. That’s two out of what is usually 6+.
My emotional comfort is so wrapped up in sugar, crunchy, chocolate covered junk du jour. Last night after my part time job instead of spending the mo ... read more day 1/90 14 y
day 1/90
May 20, 2010
Today is day 1 of the 90 day makeover. Redo. Start over. Try again. Cleansing. Detox. Second try. Rebirth.
My throat is sore, my sinus’ are coated. I am restless, irritable, and discontented. I want something. Something deep-fried and crunchy. Pecans, chicken, hot sauce, Ranch dressing, a sedative and a nap.
So, this morning is a breakfast drink of pomegranite juice mixed 50/50 w/apple cider then 25/75 w/water.
Alka-seltzer to ward off headache and to encourage alkaline pH.
Want to rewind, do-over, say I’m sorry for everything. Just one more chanc ... read more action for today 14 y
action
biking 5 miles to work
drank protein shake for breakfast
bringing salad for lunch
praying to God for help, strenght & direction
bike home for dinner
go to part-time job tonight
call sponsor
do inventory
last night I did my inventory
went to a meeting
filed my federal taxes
called ex to tell him why I won’t acknowledge him in meetings - what a waste of time and energy
I’m not eating regularly, had only cottage cheese for dinner
I’m scared visit the page true fight 14 y
action
I say that I am ‘fighting for my life’. What actions have I taken today?
I stayed in bed until the last second.
I had chocolate milk for breakfast.
No lunch and no dinner.
Left work early, said I was sick.
Cancelled all my evening meetings.
Wrote revenge email I never sent to my ex-husband.
Sat next to the river for two hours trying to blot out my feelings of dread.
So, where’s the fight? It’s more like ‘running from feelings’ and ‘pretending feelings don’t exist’.
It’s not paying the bills.
It’s not filing taxes.
It’s not cleaning the house.
It’s not staying in work.
... read more action, day 2 14 y
action
Thanked God for another day
Did dishes
Washed hand-washables
Three loads of laundry
Protein/fruit smoothie for breakfast
Therapy - was 100% honest
Balanced check book
Work (and giving it my all), still working
Break to read ”As Bill Sees It” to drive out fear
Attending group (1of3)tonight (treasurer)
Asked three people how they were and listened
Emailed contact for event planning in memory of my son
It’s 3pm - quick break then back to work
visit the page action 14 y
action
I’ve read and re-read. Felt and re-felt. Decades worth.
Action.
Blog action.
Today so far -
smoothie w/protein for breakfast
2 10-minute breaks reading ’As Bill Sees It’
visit the page change in the moment 14 y
light
Woke up dreaming about my ex-husband. Miss him, our life, my dreams. We had one dream together - just to stay together through everything. We missed that mark.
Dozed off. Woke up remembering my mother’s despair throughout my life and how it manifested. I was 15 and I truly believed then that she would’ve killed me if she could have. I remembered when I was 14 waking up Easter morning to nothing. No plans, no candy, no well wishes. She slept until 11 or so then showered and left to hang out with her friends to drink.
I remembered feeling hated and unwanted by both my parents. ... read more day to day 14 y
progress is to not stop, ever
Feel like a drag. Sporadic bill paying, sporadic self-care, sporadic affirmations.
This is the pattern that has been my life. Got a good rhythm, great focus, real energy to fly. Then, wham. I stop, drop and roll.
I get up. I start again. Then wham. I stop, drop and roll.
Today -
pray again
read/journal to morning meditations
walk around the village and say prayers of gratitude for what I have and where I live
really clean each room in the house - full day off
eat lunch
balance check book
pay bills
set up car registration for Tuesday
pick up my friend and her kids ... read more Day 39, ten affirmations 14 y
angel wings
1. I am not so broken that I cannot be fixed.
2. My struggles are not unique, we all have them.
3. TodayI am grateful to be alive.
4. I commit the rest of my day to G*d’s Love & Light.
5. I will imagine, as I leave work to go out to an AA function tonight, that I truly do have huge, glorious, white, protective wings branching out of each scapula. Not to be ’better than’ or because I’m ’less than’ - but because I want to remember whose purpose I am to fulfill while I’m here on this Earth.
6. I am Love, Light, Peace, and Serenity.
7. All I do is out of Love - nothin ... read more Day 37, ten affirmations 14 y
move
Okay, here goes.
1. Falling down is just that: falling down. Just get back up.
2. The more I give to other people, the more meaning my life will have.
3. I am not allowed to have ’return expectations’ when I give. Giving is the reward.
4. I can start my day, my week, my month, even my life over - today.
5. With G*d, IT IS THE ONLY WAY POSSIBLE.
6. I am an alcoholic with the fatal disease of selfishness, self-centeredness, and self-pity. IT IS TREATABLE AND EVEN SOMETHING TO FULLY RECOVER FROM.
7. I don’t have to understand a damn thing. All I have to do is ... read more Day 30, ten affirmations 14 y
action
I just blogged day 30, got the ’successful’ message. Gone. Into outer space. Just gone. Does it matter? This is to me, for me. I know what I said. Now is time for action. visit the page Day 29, ten affirmations 14 y
Living the solution.
1. Today I have responsibilities. Those responsibilities are vessels that I can use to create myself.
2. Today I feed myself well.
3. Today I can pause when troubled and read ”As Bill Sees It” for direction with whatever I’m feeling.
4. Today I can exert myself to be useful to this world.
5. It’s not all about me.
6. I am living G*d’s will for me today.
7. Today I will not fear.
8. Today is a snapshot out of a very big picture and I need not judge my entire existence on my interpretation of today.
9. I can keep an open mind to G*d’s future and not give too ... read more Day 28, ten affirmations 14 y
Others' well-being is my purpose.
Starting my day over right now. I’m in trouble.
1. I can start my day over and I choose to do so right now.
2. My life depends on me paying attention to my behavior from the moment I woke up this morning to the moment I lay my head on my pillow. One day at a time. Do this well each day singularly and the rest will be a success.
3. I can see that I am the root cause of most of the hardship in my life and not cower away from the responsibility of what has happened and the responsibility to change in this moment.
4. I can feel sadness in these realizations and still be clos ... read more |