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Kicked 14 y
surrender
I am truly deflated. I feel down for the count. If I went home, I’d sleep effortlessly.
I am spacy, tired, sad, discouraged, and sad - but I listed that one already.
Consequences of getting drunk and demanding a divorce? Get to miss out on the kids’ birthdays and good times. Get to end all possibility of healing, hope, and chance for peace within the family. I slammed the door to the family shut and today is E****’s 19th birthday. He’s the one I saw on Saturday - the 4th anniversary of my son’s death.
Poor kid. My son’s funeral was the night before his 15th birthday. If I r ... read more Quick note. 14 y
deflated
Note to self:
ice skated last night
meeting @ home group
greeted newcomers
smiled politely to all
softened my heart and said hello to the women I knew
ate a late night dinner
call to an acquaintance confirming wed. night study group
brushed my teeth, washed my face
ate ice cream
brushed my teeth again
said a prayer of thanks
lights out
read one meditation
made a pot of coffee
will dress
work
study group tonight
visit the page comment on 'faith leads to power'. 14 y
Just breathe.
Ha!
I leave the house thinking that my feathers just might go unruffled because I choose to believe. I leave the house unknowingly thinking that I won’t feel anger, resentment, and like taking off my boot and knocking someone upside the head with it - just because today I choose to have ’peace in my gut’. ”Yeah. Let me know how that’s working for ya.”
Geezum crow. Got into work and my ’trainer/supervisor/office mate/#1 gal of a 2-gal department’ has a resentment that I can feel when I walk through the door. She insults my pineapple soda, demands an explanation for a mistake, is ... read more Faith leads to Power 14 y
Let it be, whatever it is.
”Faith leads to Power” I read this morning.
Today I choose to feel peace in my gut.
Today I choose to knock the chip off of my shoulder.
Today I choose to observe each interaction with other people as simply a neutral party.
Today I choose to snow shoe at lunch to breath in life and get to know my body better.
Today I choose to be a team-player at work, my only aim is to be helpful.
Today I choose to just watch and stop demanding.
Today I choose to smile. That’s a tough one, toughest of all actually.
Today I choose to smile.
Mantra today? I don’t know. ”Let it ... read more Beyond the automobile... 14 y
anger
...if Detroit is forced to move beyond the automobile, do I have room to b*tch what my life must move beyond? My son? My marriage? My ’right’ to navigate my life as I see fit?
Flexibility. Faith. Hope. Creativity. Willingness.
Still brushing the ’choppers’ and washing the face before bed. Not bad.
Trucked my a*s off on snow shoes yesterday. Walked today.
Still sober.
Just have to shut up now.
My anger just turns people away.
My anger hurts others’ feelings.
My anger makes me look bad.
My anger poisons me.
Action is the solution to my anger.
visit the page Making it through. . . 14 y
it's got to be enough
Just a week ago I was truly at the end of my rope. I made it through yesterday being the 4th anniversary of my son’s death. Moment to moment I changed, my feelings changed, the day changed.
I remember his sweet voice and when I heard it in my ears my heart would rest and exhale. He was my true love, he still is. His sense of humor was at times ironic and very mature and other times he was a pure boy-child. Gas was a big joke most of his life and as he became a teenager - it was such a joy to see him recognize adult behaviors and thoughts. He had a few opinions on the Gore/Bush deb ... read more Just say goodbye. 14 y
run like hell
Went for an incredibly strong snow shoe for lunch today. Made a conscious effort to FEEL my presence inside my body rather than looking through my eyes like my body is a closet that houses me and I am looking out. I literally am trying to suck in a sense of belonging from the outside world in what passes before my eyes.
While I swung my arms, lifted my legs, contracted my glutes, stretched my abs I literally told myself I am running for my life. I said goodbye to the threads that hold me mentally and emotionally to each of my brothers who drank themselves to death. Said goodbye to t ... read more Take the action, the feeling will follow. 14 y
G*d will come.
Every day, feel like sh*t. Think like sh*t. Emanate sh*t. Got the face/teeth thing down again. That’s in place. Next: move outside everyday for at least 20 minutes. That’s gonna be a tough one. It’s not too much to ask. I’ve got this great body that moves in all directions, I live in paradise with 4 seasons, I have no one in my life who needs me in any way - so time is NOT an issue.
Today: Breathe in G*d and snow shoe up the mountain road on my lunch hour. Why do I feel like I’m taking a death-walk? Christ - I’m out to kill myself in so many little ways.
It’s like I poison ... read more Wednesday 14 y
doing nothing
Day 5. Brushed my teeth, washed my face. Day 5 of ’normalcy’. Time to leave the alcoholic drama behind. What do normal people do day after day after day?
Was I ever normal? In memory I was. Husband, kids, mortgage. Did I always feel hopeless? I don’t think so. There’s one memory of driving down the mountain road with the four boys in the back of the mini van. We were all singing Kool and the Gang - Celebrate (or something like that). I used to bake, plan vacations, make love, attend games, grocery shop without a budget and scoop the cat box. Now it seems, I just ’feel’ regul ... read more I can't finger point... 14 y
progress
...if I want to recover. Yesterday’s blog left me feeling crappy. Who cares what it was like and with whom. All that seems to matter today to learn to live the quality of life I wish for is that I take action. I am learning to just leave the resentment behind. It’s the emotions around the resentments that have shaped me. I hate where I’ve led myself.
I cancelded Netflix yesterday. That was a good thing to do. I spoke at an AA meeting last night in the quaint resort village on the other side of the mountain.
I spoke of my first drink and my last. It centered on basically my i ... read more Beginning to swim again. 14 y
Just keep kicking!
“Like our plunging into cold water, it takes our breath away. The shock alters all our perceptions. Then we get used to it. Our bodies warm to it and we begin to swim.”
Healing After Loss
Martha Whitmore Hickman
After 4 years, I am beginning to swim again. An acquaintance I know lost her adult-son, he was college age, just two weeks after I lost my son. We live in the same community and we now work in the same office. She came to dinner when I was married. She went dancing, the very next week after her son died suddenly, at the resort where she worked. She water skied, canoe ... read more unfair 14 y
fair?
I’ve been unfair. People express their condolences. Verbally. From afar. Who can blame them, frankly. I am a little more than scary. Let’s be fair.
A very strenuous snow shoe today. Begged for a sign that I’m on the right path, that my intentions are true. Got three.
AA meeting. Offended more people. Sponsor advises that ’we can’t hurt the program of recovery, it’s in print.’ I disagree. What ’kept me sober’ for 13 years damn near killed me after my son was killed. People die every day when I am not a guardian of the f*cking solution - I almost did. Who was ’guardian’ ... read more just gonna say it 14 y
never enough
Okay. Denied that today meant anything at all. It’s not the sixth of February, it’s the first. Four years ago today, the first Monday of February, the xixth of February - the very sixth of February - my boy was killed. I was waiting for him and he never met me as agreed. He wasn’t even old enough to have shaved three times yet.
I am alive. He’s not. No college, no music, no ’Hey Mom.’ No future for him.
I am divorced from a man and his children whom I loved and tried to build a future for and with.
After this day four years ago, they were my enemy. It felt every day more ... read more
'scary' I'm told 14 y
take the inventory already
Just erased an entire rant. Resentments. Need to do the daily inventory that I didn’t do last night. That’s where it belongs.
Did the face/teeth thing last night. Two nights in a row.
Up at 5 this morning. One hour before the alarm. I heard on an AA CD - God’s will is what’s in front of me. If the phone needs to be answered, that’s God’s next indicated thing for me. If the alarm goes off, that’s God saying it’s time to get up. I’ve fought the alarm clock for 30 years. I’ve fought God and wasted so much time for 30 full years. So, I sat in bed and let myself just be awake a ... read more Trouble spots 14 y
action
I am identfying the trouble spots. I did do the minimum face/teeth thing last night. Not bad, it’s a start.
Saturday night. Watched fire works from my kitchen window. Nice, but it’s a start.
I watched television. I bought new batteries for my piano. I don’t play but took lessons in the past. It was so the children could see that I was doing what I was asking of them to do. I wanted them to see that it truly is important to play a musical instrument to develop the brain and become a well-rounded individual. I haven’t touched it but once, no twice, in four years. I truly gav ... read more Does it matter? 14 y
ice cream blog
Ate a BLT rather than the usual snacking on just the bacon. (Raw vegan, was I EVER? I hardly recall.) Went for a walk by the river. So cold! At times I could barely hear the water and others the sound was so soothing.
I prayed for acceptance, I prayed for a grateful heart, I prayed for peace. I prayed that I just do the right thing.
I have been skipping my evening grooming regime for about 4 weeks now. Just don’t feel like I matter. I do. Tonight - I’ll get back on it. I did so well this year when I first came back in practicing good habits and not letting my depression or ... read more Love to my family 14 y
cold today
Up at 6 this morning. Spoke at a meeting this morning on Step 5. 13 years sober and I still didn’t ’clean house, trust God’. I believe if I truly had, I would not have HAD to drink. People say we never HAVE to drink again. I believe that statement is true, however only if certain conditions are met. My alcoholism and grief over the loss of my only child demanded treatment. I treated it. I hurt other terribly and I hurt myself. So now I am 1 year sober and starting over.
I came home, ate, then went to work for 3 hours. I was able to be of service to my employer. Taking a break. ... read more |