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PM Inventory 13 y
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February 3, 2011
I am back to asking God for help on my knees. I am asking that He help me to have the courage to be the woman He has made me to be. I reviewed with Him the many ways I can incorporate Him into my daily life and truly benefit from it – the places where true change happens. Diet – God centered food. Exercise – breathing God into my body through the air outside. Prayer – where I open my heart and let Him in.
* Where was I resentful?
My resentment today was against having been so broken and so clueless. How could I have really been that person?
Where was I selfis ... read more Day 4, raw veggie 13 y
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Feels good, feels right.
So much to grow through. Previous history snagging today’s rewards. Gotta clear the air.
Ex#2 moved on. So, hanging on is like eating junk food. Against the laws of nature. Will kill me.
AlAnon meetings to push through my fantasy that I can be loved wholly by alcoholics who are not recovering from their diseased mind and body.
Blue-green algae on the way from Oregon. Let’s see what they’ve got going for them. What will it do for me?
Tray of wheatgrass ordered and coming. Here in the sticks, it takes a couple of days and a few miles on the car. ... read more fear of mortality 13 y
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As I begin this gorgeous, one of a kind day - I feel fear of my own mortality. The mode to sleep walk all doped up on food and television or any other distraction from what the responsibilities are right in front of me is so clear.
Read my morning meditations and journal to them. Eat a lovely, healthy breakfast - maybe a crunchy, fun salad, dress to go skiing (how damn lucky am I?) and then go to my friends to get my hair cut and colored, after which we will take a power walk. Then I eat dinner and go to a two-hour part time job. Not a bad day. Other option? Walk in circles around ... read more refocus, regroup 13 y
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I have gotten lost in the drama. I found out three pieces of information last week that has altered my life. One involves my job and I have some work to do there. So, I dove into the problem with chocolate, diet coke, meat and not a fruit or vegetable in sight. What the hell is my point? I see the history and up and down and in and out. Is this really necessary. One year ago I was hanging on for dear life with my emotions and this year I am complacent and walking right back into the problem as though it were actually the solution. Delusional is all I can say. Am I hoping for perfe ... read more Week 4 completed! 13 y
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Doing very, very well. Week 4 completed. Snow shoeing is pulling everything in quickly.
Banana for breakfast this morning. Have a salad made already for lunch. Protein? Most likely peanut butter today.
Just got back from a day of looking for happiness in retail therapy, car wash, prayer and white knuckles on the steering wheel. Just sad, just tense.
Sister crying, mother dysfunctional and all that. Listen, encourage, mental hug. G*d says that I must be supportive of others and not judge. I am not allowed to use their behavior or attitudes or even history with me as a just ... read more DSL hooked up. 13 y
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Okay, DSL is hooked up as of today. Back on. Ate like crap after 3 weeks of great progress. It’s okay. No panic.
Snow shoeing before work. Got in touch with my glutes and my abs. Love, love, love that feeling. It makes me not miss my ex#2 so much. It brings me closer to G*d and how cozy - yes cozy- I feel swinging in His hammock.
Amish on floor. Met Father John. People who sit at His feet and they are in my world briefly. I feel honored. I feel like I have an opened door if I feel their presence as an honor. Perhaps I am closer than I believe I am.
Break up has been h ... read more Day 15 and settled in. 14 y
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Today is day 15 and I am really settled in this time. It is almost second nature. I do not have the fear or worry of failing as I am comfortable with the food, my body’s needs, and the actions I need to take each day to thrive.
Last night I finally made the roasted red pepper hummous and it was dee-lish. I need to get those peppers over a wood fire instead of my electric oven broiler setting and it will really take off.
This morning I am thawing bananas for the food processor to whip up and throw in some peanut butter. Lunch? Hmmm. Oh - duh. Hummous of course with carrots. I ... read more Doing great! 14 y
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Doing great! Day . . . uh. . . 9!!! Wheatgrass juice, cider, vegan food. Just finished off the vegetable stew I made last week. This week I am going to have at least my main meal and snack raw. Need to get cleaner. Don’t feel the engine burning fuel. Also, need to get off the floor scrubbing and out into the great outdoors for a little commune with G*d as I understand Him and to encourage my body’s metabolism to flow with gusto.
Still can’t believe I have a job that I can truly rely on to meet my needs. I’ve been in self-imposed poverty for so long it is hard to believe I am bre ... read more Oxymoron: Rural WI-FI 14 y
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I love this little village. It’s so quaint and beatiful. Beware - my glasses are in the car and I am in our little two room library in town plugging into WIFI here.
Have not fallen off the vegetable cart. Yay me! I had very little to eat today though. Mostly apple cider, a banana, baked sweet potatoes. Ummm. Yup. That covers it today. Oh, and cider vineagar and water.
Lots of shopping today. Mostly car winter safety stuff - wiper blades, washer fluid, de-icer spray.
Bought more stuff to bake presents with. I baked a dozen last night and brought them to the meeting. Rav ... read more next steps 14 y
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I realized today that I tend to throw insults when I am weakened and scared out of my mind. Not a pretty realization and it hurts to acknowlege that this is what I do.
I love my Ex’s; I really do. It’s the combat mouth I have that helps them to not love me.
That’s partly why, a very big ’partly why’, I am vegan. I wish to become gentle from the inside out. I wish my demeanor to be soft, vulnerable, wise, brave, and strong. Soft is the first word in that description.
I am flailing today, at best. I have been crying for two days over the break up with Ex#2 and it has been 2 m ... read more day done 14 y
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Well, it finally happened. Today is just about over. It was painful. Perception all off.
Kept to the food. With each bite I told myself that I was ingesting G*d.
I did it. Well, g*d pulled me through this day. I even baked two dozen cookies. One for my bible study teacher and one to a guy I owed an apology to. Not one bite. It’s just not my food.
My joints ache, I am tired, my sadness level is high. So many times today I said, ”yup, right here I’d grab a Diet Coke or a potato chip or a dish of ice cream”. Chose not to with G*d’s help and keeping my eyes on Him and what i ... read more Both hands and a road map... 14 y
me update
Funny how I worry about others’ judgements of me. Why? Why should I give weight to an illusion - even if I know they’re judging? I can simply turn away with a prayer and truly release it all. I will. God bless you Gus.
Says that we can choose in AA the path to sobriety that fits. Well, that was true for me once - in hindsight - what was my definition of sobriety? Abstinence. Today what is my definition of sobriety? Abstinence and asking myself those 11 little questions at night on page 86 of the 4th edition, and morning journal/response writing to AA and other daily readings, p ... read more Just got computer! 14 y
finally back
yay! just got new laptop in mail yesterday. Raw vegan, here I go again! Love support blogging gives me.
New job starts on 12/28. Relationship with ex over for two months. Just go 3 feet of snow this week. Snow shoeing tomorrow.
Happy to have earned LNA. Psyched to now have career in our state’s premier learning hospital. Cozy life, sobriety in check, career beginning. G*d has me. This I know.
Heart broken. Wish ex would figure out how the program works. Not mine to give, his to find on his own.
*hugs* visit the page home computer is dead... 14 y
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... and it feels like I am dying too.
Been off my G*d food plan since the 28th of July. Almost one month.
G*d help me to help myself.
Thank you. visit the page Doing the deal! 14 y
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Okay. Feel like crap. Two weeks too long.
Had tofu and dates for breakfast. Double-dose of Alka-Seltzer. 8½ weeks since I had a day off. I’m beat. I don’t have to be unhappy and miserable. I don’t have to fail. I just don’t have to do it.
I’m going home for lunch to get a salad together. 5 miles down the road - easy.
Tomorrow and Friday are my first days off since June 14. I rock - let’s face it. I did not miss one class and not one clinical. I did not miss work. I do rock. I was raw-vegan for 5 weeks of 8½. Now today, I’m back on.
I feel momentum building!!!
... read more Missed the last bus. 14 y
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I did not ’get back on’ last week. I am so sad. What an illusion of safety Diet Coke, sugar and flour are. OMG.
I am so lonely and I truly miss G*d.
This morning I have successfully eaten a banana and peanut butter. I ate tofu. I am now going to wash out my water bottle and fill it up.
I miss G*d. I miss who He made me to be. visit the page Back on and not a moment too soon. 14 y
I am lonely and I miss G*d.
Okay, it’s back on. 6 days off was 5 too many. One potluck turned into ’just one more bite’. The insanity of it all.
Eggplant Rolatini
Tuna Noodle Casserole
Carmel Brownies
Diet Coke
Blue Cheese dressing
Zero water
Zero salad
Zero fruit
Zero tofu
Zero nuts or seeds
Zero vitamins or iron supplements
Zero all that I had done for myself EXCEPT to go for walks
It was like a switch flipped completely.
Bulk tofu in the other village over tonight? I’ll see.
I am back on. I am lonely and I miss G*d.
I was in a self-induced nose dive.
I am lonely and I miss G*d. visit the page |