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danger Will Robinson... 14 y
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It’s day 4 now off the raw/vegan thing. Yikes. Went to a potluck on Wednesday night and it’s ’just one more bite, just one more thing’ to eat. I haven’t walked since Wednesday.
This is stopping today. Power walk tonight. Huge salad for dinner.
My happiness lies in G*d and He is the air in my lungs, the raw vegetables and water I feed my body.
A.A., tight glutes and my studies. That’s what’s going to see me through.
Ex #2 saw me on Thursday night - we talked til 1am. I’ve been avoiding seeing him since. I’ve got to get back to my studies. That’s where my focus needs to ... read more just did a mini meeting 14 y
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in the bathroom with my As Bill Sees It book. Haven’t really spoken to my sponsor in three weeks. She went on vacation for two and the last one I am forgetting to call. I called the night before last and left voice mail. What to do, what to do. I think get a local sponsor. I have a lot of work to do with relationships with women, that’s for sure.
Still raw vegan. Man, did I have a craving last night. I felt it coming on when I refused to grab food before I left the house. I was all keyed up to make amends. So, I bought tofu, baby carrots, dried apples and drank water. Pretty s ... read more He tells me he loves me. 14 y
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Well, the tables have turned completely to face the other direction entirely. I thought I’d feel differently than I do. Somehow deeply peaceful, calm and content. I guess today more so than yesterday.
My ex-husband told me he loves me after reading ”The Family Afterward” in the Sunday AA meeting.
Still raw-vegan. Thankfully. Had two power-walks yesterday just to keep me on this planet. Was I ever distracted. Came home last night after another AA meeting and cleaned my house and called my sponsor. I called my prayer friend and we prayed for G*d’s wisdom and peace to fill me.
... read more Going on... 14 y
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...first, Trace, please forgive me my wrongs toward you. ”The Reason Is You” began playing as I began this blog. Sweet, sweet boy. You deserved more than me. I say this with the desperation that the drowing seize life preservers. People are always telling me, ”Stop beating on yourself.” The pain of knowing that I cannot change my son’s future hurts that deeply. I can only take solace in changing who I am today and serving my ex’s to the best of my ability.
What a 48 hours it has been. My ex-husband (ex#2) and I are no longer ’estranged’. We spoke on the phone Tuesday evening. ... read more Hmmmm... 14 y
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Today’s trough o’salad is local red leaf lettuce, yellow onion, plum tomato, ripe peaches, sunflower seeds and garlic/peppercorn vinegar dressing.
sigh sigh heavy sigh eavy sigh
I have leftover salad from Monday to eat on Tuesday and I ate my tofu, dates, banana and PB all day instead. I suffered at 9pm. I was manic. Truly manic and tired. I ate and went to sleep by 10:30. I awoke and it was still dark - probably about 4 or so. I felt good. Got up at 6 and went for a really good power walk. I get my upper body involved. I air punch alcoholism. I raise my arms up, down, bac ... read more Another day 14 y
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If I can get my life into the mode of feeling like I am living rather than waiting - I will have made enormous progress.
Study today. Make lunch. Work. Pick up my friend. Go to a meeting. Drive my friend home. Fold my laundry.
It’s an easy day. They’re all easy now. I’m living in the solution. Now, to do my morning reading & response journaling.
I hope I do well today. I wish to be kind, patient, content, and loving. visit the page Four weeks today... 14 y
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...I’ve been raw/vegan.
Salads every day, bananas, strawberries, dates, cukes, onions, celery, avocado, lettuce, tomato, tofu.
How to mix it up a little with very little effort? I should go into one of the 3 or 4 recipe books I own and see. They’re all raw vegan. I’m just not opening that door yet. I have an ancient food dehydrator as well. What am I waiting for? A true commitment phobe I am.
Tonight: pajamas, brush teeth, steam face, study procedure in my handbook, do an inventory and pray. I am sick in my mind; I am obsessed. I need to take the actions that are making m ... read more all set w/food 14 y
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My food is collossal today. No onion in my trough o’salad today. First time in 28 salads. What else.
Felt down and sunk last night. I need to act in deeper, self-caring ways when I’m that tired. I went online and wasted time and energy. I was NOT a better person for just cruising around.
I’d rather that I gave myself a facial/mask, that I paid more than one bill when I did my bills. I just feel down today and angry. Definitely I feel separate from the world. I am not at peace, I am not feeling abundant, I feel like an empty well that has been drained.
I believe it’s becau ... read more Need a movie 14 y
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Ate banana and PB for breakfast. Not really hungry today. Munched more almonds. Ate lettuce and dressing for lunch. Shopped tonight for all I need for the week. $20 worth of bulk tofu. A buck a brick. Not bad. 8oz bricks. Had one on the way home. 72 miles round trip for tofu. Now that’s allegiance. I love the flavor and it’s really, really firm. Not even nearly as soft and the super firm pre-packaged stuff.
Got dates, cukes, matoes, celery, raw cider vinegar, bananas. I’m set for the week now.
Set up bills and paid one online tonight.
Voyeuring ex on Match.com. Now ... read more out of good food 14 y
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Darn. I am out of tomato, cucumber, celery, tofu. All my stand bys. Market here in the village. I can grab the veggies on the way and cut them at work. I will go food shopping tonight.
My eyes are swollen, I am congested. Well, I cried and cried and cried on the rec. path yesterday. The congestion is probably due to some salted almonds I ate. Who really knows. Those almonds are the only funky thing that had any kind of additive (salt) but they were oven roasted. Now what. Grab whatever veggies I do have, the last two bananas and the peanut butter. My eyes are watering and it ... read more crap day, literally 14 y
what an evening
Well, Day 1 working in a nursing home. I was so f*cking depressed afterward. I walk and then ran until I couldn’t run. I ’air-boxed’ and kicked and punched and all else just to get this week out of me.
I feel like I am going in the wrong direction because I am facing so much rejection (he never followed up to our conversation), so much truth of how ugly life is - seeing those old folks reduced to one night stand, a tiny hang space for close, half a room they share, and all that goes with being elderly. I put on my happy-game-face but came home and nearly puked.
Why, why, why did ... read more Big day tomorrow... 14 y
foot work
I eat my trough-size GladWare salads in meetings and I am hearing compliments on how good it smells. Tonight was lettuce, of course, with tomato, onion, ripe peach and avocado with a french balsamic. It was de-lish.
Studied during the day today. Bought clogs for my clinical that begins tomorrow. Trial-size hand sanitizer, hand lotion, flip note pad and pen at the ready for my scrubs pocket. Fine washables drying tonight, eye brows plucked, teeth brushed, face washed. All is good.
Will study to bible verses before bed.
What a day of distraction after yesterday. Worked hard a ... read more What a 24 hour period this has been. 14 y
Love who I am letting G*d create me to be.
I was unkind yesterday not with my words but with my lack of kindness in my attitude. I do not care for someone at my job and I did not meet him halfway. I answered his question and my attitude I emoted dismissed him. He told me I was acting like a F.A. Whoa, cowboy - them’s fightin’ words.
I told him to leave my office. He didn’t. So, I left.
He was right. I am judgmental toward him and he could really feel with every interaction. I don’t smile, I just take the task and say I’ll do it. I’m compliant but not charitable. What is so hardened in my soul that I cannot be truly, ... read more Lonely is the road, full is the soul. 14 y
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I have never been this lonely in my life and have such a full soul simultaneously.
My sponsor this morning said, ”Aren’t you glad you don’t have a man to answer to?” and ”Aren’t you glad you’re not in the kitchen?”
Well, no frankly. I enjoyed being a partner to a man. I loved being in the kitchen creating awesome food for my 4 boys and my husband.
Keep the focus on me, she says. Okay. Another raw/vegan day. I am in a rut with my food. I was craving something last night - something that stuck to me. I didn’t bother getting up to get any peanut butter. I simply rolled over ... read more Happy Birthday, Jimmy 14 y
remember
Today is one of my late brother’s birthdays. He died of alcoholism - scirossis of the liver (sp?), pancreatitis, cancer tumors. He was 38.
He was handsome, funny, heartfelt, inquisitive, tall. Just beautiful. He was really, really funny.
He taught me to make an omelet. I was 11.
Happy Birthday, Jimmy. I love you. visit the page I'm pleased with my progress 14 y
complacency
I am doing something I really thought I could not do. I am raw vegan now for three weeks and it’s a balance of protein, veggies, fruit and fat. Well balanced meal and not many cravings at all.
Finishing up the tofu this morning. Did not study yesterday. Hmmph. That’s not the way to succeed - that’s certain. Damn.
Today is a fresh start.
Huge salad for lunch/dinner. Tofu and strawberries for breakfast. Lots of water. Maybe I’ll skip the vinegar for the first time in 3 weeks. Kind of wean myself.
Power walked this morning. Met a dog named Murphy, scared a bird. All ki ... read more Day 20? 14 y
there's got to be an answer as to why
Yup, day 20.
Eating a lot of tofu for breakfast. I now wish to find something else.
Just got distracted by an email and it spoke of the spill in the Gulf of Mexico. I took time out to email my state Legislator who represents the county I live in. I asked what it is that I might do here in my home state to not only show support for fixing the problem, but also how to get our President off the road he seems to be walking down on this. 81 days I’m told.
Is it BP’s job to get in there and get going? Is it the President’s? Hmmm. I think, in this moment, that our President is the ... read more |