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feelings are not always fact 12 y
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The meeting I did not hit and the run was 2 miles. The floor waxing was a floor vacuuming. All else was done. Not bad. I did not say just how rock-bottom depressed I was at that moment. I decided to write the flip side of what I was feeling and do that.
So, this morning is the same. Power day. Not ’Feeling’ day.
Go for a run in the light rain.
Practice piano lessons.
Eat something.
Do laundry.
Begin start of day inventory from Big Book.
Complete paperwork for the coming semester.
Call 3 friends to chat about what they are up to.
Easy list.
I have a life I must driv ... read more power day 12 y
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Today is a power day.
Going for a 3 mile run.
Calling 3 friends to see how they are.
Doing a start of day 12 step inventory.
Cleaning my house and waxing my kitchen floor.
Practicing the piano - I love doing the scales for speed.
Hitting a meeting tonight at 8pm.
Yay! Day off tomorrow. Love it. Two in a row. So much to do.
Living the flip-side of my parents’ lives, of my previous life - is sooooo much better.
*bighug* visit the page Does it matter? 12 y
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Made mini blueberry muffin loaves before work this morning. Taking a ’what can I bring to this day?’ attitude. People enjoyed them.
A person’s wife asked me if I was married. ”No. Why do you ask?” She then asks me if I have children. No, again. I then smile and continue on my task, grateful her husband asked a question that deflected the attention from her inquiry. Don’t want to talk about my late boy or my divorce today to strangers, I was thinking - thankyouverymuch.
She grabs me by the arm in the hall and pulls me close to her. It’s okay she says. I know what it’s like. M ... read more action 12 y
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Not much too say. Same fight, different day. Still have not surrendered. Pray. Pray and take the action. I will not ’feel’ like taking care of myself. The action MUST come first.
Turned 48 yesterday. It was a beautiful, rainy day. I am blessed.
visit the page Need to unwind. 12 y
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*sigh* Just got home from work, school, store, and post office. Running 45 minutes late. Rescheduled piano lesson. *sigh again*
I am a bully. Let’s face it. There are times when how I feel comes before anyone or anything in my own mind.
There are times when I truly believe that if I don’t come up for air regardless of what is going on around me I will suffocate. That is the thinking of a bully to me.
The term bully seems harsh, doesn’t it? I think of a bully who purposely goes out to make themself feel good through the targeting of someone weaker and less capable of protec ... read more lots of dreams 12 y
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Today is a day of high stress alternate with dreams for what I can change. That is awesome - to dream in spite of stress. That’s powerful. Emotions don’t have to rule me. I can acknowledge fear, stress, and even panic - then choose my action. I can also choose to take action to take space before I choose definitive action in my life. Called my friend tonight and told him I needed him to come with me to a meeting because I really didn’t think I’d get there otherwise and that not getting there is NOT a good idea right now. I have never spoken those words to him in 3 years. He graciou ... read more Just found this awesome entry. 12 y
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I loved re-reading this. I love her. That’s who I am. That’s who I want to be. That’s the woman, the girl, the sprite who is me. I am truly grateful.***********
Cut and pasted entry:
Date: 7/17/2010 9:54:40 PM ( 21 mon ) ... viewed 1355 times
Ate banana and PB for breakfast. Not really hungry today. Munched more almonds. Ate lettuce and dressing for lunch. Shopped tonight for all I need for the week. $20 worth of bulk tofu. A buck a brick. Not bad. 8oz bricks. Had one on the way home. 72 miles round trip for tofu. Now that’s allegiance. I love the flavor and it’s really, re ... read more Glad to be back in touch. 12 y
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So good to remember the strength and inspiration I would get by blogging here. As I type I can feel the forward motion and motivation I sought. *sigh*
So, dated ex-husband last year for 5 months. He chewed me up and spit me out. And I was surprised and hurt. Dumb ass. Me as well as him. I am not a stupid woman, I knew his heart was not in the relationship or even available to me anymore. I was the old car broken down on the side of the road as he watched the newer, shinier models drive by.
What did I learn? What gifts did I get that can propel me forward?
Well, first that ... read more Getting beyond barely surviving... 13 y
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...how do I get beyond barely surviving?
I am taking L-methylfolate, B6, blue-green algae, a multi-vitamin, and red krill oil. Brain chemistry is being nurtured. Medication side effects have included dysphagia, excessive sleep, extreme agitation and sleeplessness, near-fainting, collapsing legs when jogging, and long-term liver and kidney disease. So, choices. What are my choices to live here?
Called a friend and am going to a meeting tonight. Will pick her up in about an hour.
Job is going okay. Mostly very, very well with one or two snags as I learn. Mistakes are a part o ... read more Happy St. Valentine's Day 13 y
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Happy St. Valentine’s Day!
Today the spell broke. OMG. I took 4 hours off from work and got up later than usual. I had an ice pack on my head for hour and talked to my sponsor.
I ate crap today. So what. I’m alive.
It is like a fog that lands on me.
I did an hour of reading and meditation in the morning. Wrote out a gratitude list. Texted and called people to find out how THEY were. Focused on the task at hand at work while I was working. Had inspirational music playing in the background. Read the Big Book. Called my sponsor and shared honestly what was going on.
... read more chemically depraved 13 y
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my body is chemically depraved of what others have an abundance of. I am convinced. I am lonely to the core and nothing seems okay. This is just another day of a lifetime of emptiness.
I have eaten a good breakfast, read 7 meditation books and journaled to them, cleaned my house, did my hair and make up and I look very well. I just want to cry, take a pill and go to sleep. That, I am convinced, is chemical depravity. I even took the Busprione prescribed to me. Is there hope for me? What will it take for my brain to ’click into place’ and be like the rest of the human race? Is i ... read more Lonely, but very well. 13 y
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It’s been a bit lonely today. Sent out 4 dozen cookies to my oldest stepson for his birthday. I am disowned from that family - I never really was a part of that family it seems. Not enough to move into the future with me as a human being I guess. Okay, no self pity.
I sent the cookies because I am no longer living by how I think others think of me. If they are sent back, fine. I will send a batch next year as well. I love. I just love. If it is accepted, then it is accepted. If it is rejected, then it is rejected. In the end, I love. That’s it. That’s me. I am a parent. I ... read more peaceful 13 y
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It’s all okay.
Can’t publish just one sentence.
G*d has me. Inner bliss. Feeling of peace, tranquility, joy.
Sending love to those I love, sending warmth and kindness to those who don’t, sending faith and a hug to those who aren’t sure.
I know who I love and that is okay. I love who I love and I send it out with clarity, warmth, joy, faith, kindness, and wisdom. Yes, wisdom. Wisdom in knowing that as long as I love, it will all work out in the end. visit the page 5 year anniversary. 13 y
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Well, yesterday was the 5 year anniversary of my son’s death. I spent the day with my focus on feeling the warmth and love in my heart for him and sending it out as I breathed. Simple as that. That was my tribute to my only son. I let his unconditional love for me be the guide as to how to live my day.
I have been working very hard in my morning readings and journaling this week. It amazes me how I rested on my laurels. What a joke of pride and ego. A joke of alcoholism. I have been doing my inventory every night. How could I have possibly forgotten that without these two pract ... read more Day almost done. 13 y
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Sad aching that I keep thinking about the past. I keep it and wear it almost like an invisible vest. G*d - may I please let go of all that has passed. Whatever it is that you want for me is truly in my life today and I trust You.
It is beginning to snow a wet snow here. I am talking myself out of going for a power walk with my snowshoes. No wimping out. I power walk to meet with G*d. Will I keep Him waiting? Stand Him up? What excuses me from meeting with what makes me live and breathe? A lovely snow falling on my head? Surely I am confused.
Tomorrow is Year 5 since my swe ... read more Erased my blog. 13 y
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I blogged and then erased the whole thing. 10 affirmations, etc. etc.
Summary: Daily discipline to secure my future as an alcoholic in recovery, to make living amends for my past. to take responsibility for who I was, who I am, who I long to be.
Love to all who have loved me. Thank you.
G*d is strong and I choose to be loyal. I can no longer be the unsupervised teenager in my own life.
I long to be awesome, strong, graceful, beautiful, kind, confident, and a gracious leader.
G*d first. GF
*hug* visit the page New day 13 y
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Read all 5 meditation books this morning, prayed on my knees, entered my daily menu and calorie count in the software, meditated for 30 minutes, prepared all three meals and a snack. So now. Work well.
Snowshoeing after AA meeting tonight when I’m done working. My whole day is planned out.
Ten affirmations
1. Today I choose to break myself into the consciousness of G*d and live there.
2. My meals are all I need to nourish myself emotionally and physically.
3. I am living in the sunlight of the Spirit today.
4. My future is in G*d’s hands and it is good.
5. I ch ... read more |