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Training starts 14 y
today
Today the training program begins. I’ve read all four chapters to be reviewed today in class. I’ve taken a power walk this morning. I’ve had an Asian Pear and a glass of milk for breakfast.
Lunch is salad and a banana with a rice cake, a slice of tomato and a slice of cheese.
I’ve called my prayer partner and we read scripture and prayed this morning. Now to read an affirmation out of the AA and the Al Anon books and response journal.
I’ll have dinner at home and see what I can put together.
Teeth, makeup, hair, clothes, books, pencils, notebook. good attitude and open eyes ... read more evening check in 14 y
new food
Today was difficult and I did it. I ate half of the pear. My stomach was in knots and my head was spinning. The emotional entanglement yesterday hurt. Today though, back to being his ’biggest fan’ for Trace and kept my manners and checked my resentments under the desk when he called. ”How can I help you today?” I intensely despise ’saints’ - I am NOT trying to go there. It is a lesson in ”wait and see” is what it is. My ability to detach from him knowing that I want and need nothing from him, only to serve my son’s memory is where I focus. I will NOT subject myself to his familiar ... read more ordinary day 14 y
eat, work, pray, read, write.
What an ordinary day. No drama, just meal, work, meetings, home.
Did my morning readings out of AA and Al-Anon books, 1 each. Journaled in response. Did laundry. Have an asian pear for breakfast, cheese for snack, salad for lunch w/broiled chicken.
Keeping to my own world, my own plate. Read LNA training manual some more before bed last night. Will do Big Book reading/work today at lunch. Two meetings scheduled for tonight. Will fit some more work in while I have time in between. Will eat during meeting.
God’s plan today? I guess that I just show up as best I can, eat as ... read more good work 14 y
bed
Last night bed @ 10:45pm and up at 6:15am. Attended the Remembrance Run. It was a sunny day and I had a warm smile for all I met. That is a change.
Asian pear and lime juice for breakfast. Salad w/broiled protein for lunch.
Protein and fruit tonight for snack. Raspberries - frozen. Best I can do right now.
Watered my friends’ extensive gardens for an hour, watered the indoor plants for an hour.
Set up and attended my home group tonight. Sat in the sanctuary for about an hour. Praying for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out.
I judge people and i ... read more Feelings, whoa whoa whoa, feelings 14 y
Still going on.
Ate a beautiful banana for breakfast. Kale, potato & kidney bean soup for lunch.
What is this fog, this invisible mud that is oozing through my brain and wallowing out of me like a stench? Bad karma?
Tired, negative.
Flip that coin. Internal inspiration. I’m on a gorgeous mountain for my work environment. Surely, that must be able to inspire me as it had last year. The only thing stopping me is me. I was making almost half per hour of what I am now and barely surviving. I’m in a coma called familiarity of my life. It’s called waking up to ’me’, again - eventually. It alw ... read more Recap 14 y
wish upon a star
Did my morning response-journaling when I woke up. Threw together my salad and cleaned & steamed the broccoli. I felt sick, nauseas this afternoon after. It was actually almost 6pm. I had eaten salad by then as well. A huge wave of it.
I finished my salad at an AA meeting tonight. The topic was ’powerlessness’. This man shared that his nephew is using drugs, his sister had him arrested, and the nephew did not want to speak to the uncle.
Well, I heard a lot of ’you can’t get a drunk sober’ and ’nothing you can do’ and ’when they ask for help then they’ll get help’.
I shared ... read more Broccoli for breakfast 14 y
food
Yup, I NEED a power-vegetable this morning. Skipped dinner last night. I just didn’t want to deal with food. Man, this is a disorder.
So, broccoli for breakfast and it is perfect. Just crisp. Lunch is a huge salad w/tomato, onion, yellow bell pepper and two types of lettuce.
No nuts, no sides. I will grab fruit.
Tired. Just tired. visit the page habanero cheese and bananas 14 y
Progress.
skipped breakfast, do something now 14 y
Seek Him
Okay - prayed when I woke up. Knew I was living in the problem by lying there. Prayed as I forced myself out for a power-walk. ”Seek G*d”, ”I seek you, G*d” were my mantras as I walked. The air was sweet, it was approximately 52.7 degrees out and I was dressed for it. Ex-husband drove by me as I crossed the street. I was so actively seeking G*d and my ex drives by. Well, it’s up to G*d to sort this out, not me. I didn’t wave and I will not ’second guess’ if I should have. He hates me. Well, his behavior can not dictate mine. So, next time - I’ll be kind and wave. I am a kind an ... read more Ate it all and all day long 14 y
believe
Ate my salad all day long. Three meals - lunch, dinner and snack at the evening meeting.
Step 10. I cannot afford ’justifiable anger’. I truly believed at one point in time that if I didn’t become angry and fight I would just absolutely get absorbed by the maniacs around me. I have such a protective bubble around me. I could never surrender to it before. I actually would not allow myself the vulnerability.
I am angry, tired, relieved, frustrated, and tired tonight. I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
One year ago when I first returned, I was so ready to change everything ... read more Ate it all and all day long 14 y
believe
Ate my salad all day long. Three meals - lunch, dinner and snack at the evening meeting.
Step 10. I cannot afford ’justifiable anger’. I truly believed at one point in time that if I didn’t become angry and fight I would just absolutely get absorbed by the maniacs around me. I have such a protective bubble around me. I could never surrender to it before. I actually would not allow myself the vulnerability.
I am angry, tired, relieved, frustrated, and tired tonight. I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
One year ago when I first returned, I was so ready to change everything ... read more Ate it all and all day long 14 y
believe
Ate my salad all day long. Three meals - lunch, dinner and snack at the evening meeting.
Step 10. I cannot afford ’justifiable anger’. I truly believed at one point in time that if I didn’t become angry and fight I would just absolutely get absorbed by the maniacs around me. I have such a protective bubble around me. I could never surrender to it before. I actually would not allow myself the vulnerability.
I am angry, tired, relieved, frustrated, and tired tonight. I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
One year ago when I first returned, I was so ready to change everything ... read more went home for lunch to change my day 14 y
let go, live
Began my day like any other. Lied in bed, dreaded what I knew I should do for my well-being. Prayed, asked G*d to tell me what He wants me to know. Got on my knees and said ’thank you’ for another day. Showered, had a drink of Diet Coke (yup, that’s how I roll in this crap), entered the scads of receipts from debit transactions in my checkbook, wrote 7 thank-you notes for gifts for my birthday last month, made my bed. Went on the road with a quart of maple syrup/milk for breakfast, drove to ’therapy’, forgot she’s not there this week (yup, that’s how I roll in this crap), went to pick ... read more Keep falling, how do I just stop this? 14 y
go
This is sheer madness. How to just stop? How to just commit to myself, my well-being, my life?
Feelings are just thrashing me around like they are outside of me and that I do not have possession of them.
I will not give up. I am sick of myself - if I give up on myself - then what? ”Moderation”? Love that. How do I change a life-long practice through surrender, determination, planning, self-will and action when in one split second I say ”it doesn’t matter” or ”I don’t matter” or ”what’s the use anyhow”?
When my son was here, I did it all for him. When I was married, I did it ... read more Wag the dog. 14 y
day 2
I allow my emotions to wag me around like a tail might wag the dog. I don’t like who I am and how I’ve lived. I’ve had brief reprieve times over the years - but the past 4+ years have been the worst. I treat my life like a never-ending story and each emotion gets a page. My life is based on ’feelings’ rather than accomplishments and contributions. I rationalize all I’ve done based on feelings. Sounds all too familiar. I awoke to no mother based on her ’feelings’. My father left because of his ’feelings’ and I didn’t see him for 4 years. Feelings have been the rationale where I com ... read more Like Romeo and Juliet 14 y
keep going
Romeo killed himself over what he perceived to be Juliet’s death. I ate over what I perceived was huge rejection. Just moments ago I got offered a slot via email into the training program. Why, why, why do I give up on myself and on G*d? I didn’t have to eat over it. I have so many other powerful choices I can make. It IS a choice, life IS a choice, the quality of my life IS a choice. If I can not learn from the example of others’ lives, why do I choose to not learn from the example of my own? Why was I so unwilling to not only say ”G*d has me where He wants me to be” but to also j ... read more day 1 14 y
day 1
On evening 8, I ate what is not on my list to eat. I did not get accepted into a training program I learned. At first I fell into a pit and then slowly chose to believe the G*d has me exactly where I am supposed to be. Yup, that and some Mexican food please. I’ll believe it, with cheese and a side of sour cream - thanks. Worked a sub-job last night for two hours. When I got home I shut off the phone, watched a movie and ate. I got up at 9:30 this morning. I was not a better person for it.
So, today, today, today.
Banana smoothie for breakfsst.
Huge salad w/cabbage, turnip, ... read more |