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Since June 22 14 y
van
Wow - I’ve been raw vegan since June 22. It’s almost effortless. That first day was quite a challenge. It was also the day I spoke my eldest stepson for the first time in a little over two years. I hugged him, told him I loved him and apologized for him seeing me drunk that one night. I told him that if he ever, ever, ever needed anything he could come to me. I would re-arrange my life for him. I would rearrange but - with job and home being preserved of course. If I’m not afloat - then how can I help. Let’s get real.
So, since then I’ve lost 6 pounds. I bought a pair of real ... read more What a day... 14 y
good food
People in the past week have desribed me as a woman of integrity, loyal, honest, kind. Thank goodness. What I see is not that - how skewed is my perception.
Breakfast was dried bing cherries and retail tofu - it was okay. Huge, huge salad for lunch. Diced raw beets - yum. Bulk tofu tonight - even better. 14 bricks for 12.00. I love bulk tofu. It’s super firm and has even a bit of a twang in flavor.
I bought avocadoes, plum tomatoes, raw sunflowers, dates.
Gotta unpack the groceries, make my bed again - it wasn’t done well, and pick up the kitchen. Then, study.
Brush m ... read more Better, much better 14 y
feeling calmer
Called my Mom and told her my heart was with her as she’s going through the move to go to my sister’s in Vegas. After 30 years the closets are getting cleaned.
I am busy 7 days a week for a reason, I must believe. It’s the first time that I am not right in there directing and attempting to nurture.
It’s good to just be hands off for once. No guilt.
Gi-normous salad again today. Salad every day. I grazed for 6 hours on it. Ate the whole thing. Still finishing off my old carrots. Organic ones in queue.
Hotter than hell. Took a cool bath and now I’m in my pj’s and I’m goi ... read more G*d's Food 14 y
*
Today I wish to keep in the forefront of my mind that I am eating G*d’s food and this is as close to Him that I can get in eating. Embodying the spirit, if you will. I am pretty low this morning. Not studying. Very disappointed in myself. Read only one out of 6 chapters for Thursday. Will cram tonight.
I live in this running dream in my head. It’s like a television playing at all times. Exactly like my formative years. Resentful this morning too.
Chose NOT to take an inventory last night - pure defiance.
Banana & tofu for breakfast. Salad for lunch w/sunflower seeds.
... read more Nice day 14 y
thriving
Went for a walk, talked to my sponsor, went to therapy, bought veggies at the local farm for lunch, picked wild flowers on the way home by the side of the road. Had dates and tofu for breakfast.
I am really excited to eat the local carrots and tomators for lunch.
Putting my finances on spreadsheets. I’ll go online first and see what the options are that are out there. I don’t think I’ll need to complicate it, I think that Excel coupled with my bank’s auto-pay will be just fine.
I’m a bit tired today but that’s good. I’m sober, I’m healthy, I’m busy, I’m thriving.
It’s a goo ... read more Truth is... 14 y
acceptance
...hard to accept.
I am doing very, very well. My appetite is less these days. It’s exactly two weeks that I’ve been eating 90% raw-vegan. The 10% is tofu. I am very, very pleased with the changes. My mood is stable. My nails are down to 3 ridges in most. One nail has no ridges at all. It’s like they’re melting into the surface of my nail the way ice cream melts into a bowl.
I hiked the mountain today in 90 degree weather and practically 95% humidity. I wish it would just rain. It hasn’t.
Tofu for breakfast. Dates for snack. Just not hungry. Peach for dinner. I have ... read more Email still active. 14 y
tofu on my mind
Could not inactivate email til Monday. Sent acceptable reply, ”Thank you. Ogunquit was lovely, I agree.”
I use this blog to say all the things I know I cannot say to him.
I truly wish to be kind. I truly wish to be free of all these emotions of fear, anger, resentment and most of all - my expectations on others.
Not one person in this world does what I want so I need to adjust, open my heart and love as deeply as I can.
If I don’t - well, I have a 79 year-old female in my life as an example. I am frightened.
It’s Saturday. Tonight I am going home, vacuuming my apt., cle ... read more tired today 14 y
sick
Ex-husband sent me the email I’ve been waiting for for 2 years. Called him and he puts his armor on and is completely inaccessible. Whatever. Cancelled my email account. I ask for what I need and it just gets ignored.
Like I speak a language other than English. I cannot and will not do this. He misses me but is still trout fishing on Match.com.
It reads,
”I write to you to say something I have been thinking about. You do not
need to reply.
I wanted to say that I am sorry that I did not do more to protect you
from the chance of overdose when I left your sleeping pills on t ... read more Day 10 - wowser 14 y
xo
Well, I’m still me. Procrastination in hitting the books has landed me an all-nighter or a walk of shame. I’ll take the all-nighter, thanks.
I stopped at the market on the way home from the meeting tonight and picked up two bricks of tofu and 1 slab o’ tempeh. How f*cking gross! I was eating it in the car - uncooked of oourse. Not the tofu, the tempeh. OMG - what a joke. I’m washing it down with water spiked with cider vinegar. Goodness- I’m a gourmet of the idiotic variety.
Home now. 10:41 - blog a spot then hit the book. I only have to study tonight, hit class tomorrow th ... read more nails are improving after 8 days 14 y
diminishing problems
Wow - it’s amazing what my brain thinks is normal and will never change. I had incredible, high ridges in all 10 of my finger nails. I remember counting them 5,6,7...in each finger. I looked online and it did not look like an ideal symptom to be carrying around. I looked at an elderly (72 y.o.) gentleman in a meeting 3 weeks ago and his nails looked like mine. He’s physically not well and teetering on dementia. The most I can count in each nail is 5. I can see them smoothing. I feel like I am seeing a huge miracle.
I’ve steamed my face for 2 minutes 2 nights in a row.
The bla ... read more itchy 14 y
stop
Feeling ’itchy’ for something. Restless even. Could be the canned vegetarian refried beans I’ve eaten for breakfast. No garbanzo beans at the tiny Grand Union market in the next village over. None canned. None dried. Hmmmph. Didn’t get flax seed oil either. Did you know that the bottom of the flax seed oil bottle is weighted? I was just a bit tweaked by that when I realized that my bottle was empty. Is it me or are businesses now exchanging true integrity for their profit margin?
Bought romaine, cuke, tomato, celery, strawberries (really good ones for market) and cherries.
... read more eating for nourishment not for comfort 14 y
ride the wave
It’s just falling into place this week. I am not eating because I ’feel’ something and ’it’ needs to be soothed.
Wheat grass defrosted from last night as I ran out the door this morning. I forgot it on the counter top and I’m not about to throw it away. Heaven knows what I ingested as a teenager. If it kills me, at least it’s origin is honorable.
Tofu cubes for breakfast while on the road. No more tofu at home. What’ll I buy for tomorrow’s protein? I have a food processor. I have a very large stock pot. I can boil garbanzo beans while I study tonight and whip up some hummus. ... read more seven days 14 y
good day
Alrighty. Huge amounts of uncooked tofu cubes for breakfast. Some guacamole - couple bites then tossed. Not good. Old from the freezer. Aw, no bananas in my bag today. Rats. Huge salad w/strawberries, onion, tomato, cuke, celery and balsamic vinaigrette. I wish I had 20 pounds off me by now. Hmmm. So, lay of the peanut butter. Water w/cider vinegar.
Listening to a fight I am having with myself in my head. Feel vulnerable. Need to get my center. I actually feel lopsided - even heavier on my right side. My ’self’ or ’spirit’ if you will, feels like it’s just above my right ... read more Need to wear my glasses when I type!!! 14 y
Sunday
Yesterday said 66th day - well, that’s just not true. It was actually day 5. I can’t see the keys and I double-punched it. What a batch of silliness that is.
Plucked my eyebrows (finally) and wlll study for an hour before the meeting.
Ate a small bag of dates, a banana and tofu for breakfast at work. Salad was chopped tomato, onion, celery and tofu in a vinaigrette I pulled out the local greens, they were past and gross. 3 liters of water with a splash of cider vinegar. I just love that stuff. Snack for now? Peanut butter and carrot sticks.
I miss Trace. I miss all of th ... read more doing well 14 y
people and food
It’s now my 66th day eating raw with the exception of uncooked tofu. I am smelling foods more distinctly than before when I pass them by - cooked food aromas. I am enjoying each bite knowing that I am literally filling myself with G*d in the best possible way when I eat. My face is becoming smoother in texture. When I wake up I don’t cry. I feel sad but I just am not so sad that I cry. I do continue to cry in the evening so I eat something then.
I cranked out 14+ ounces from a $20. tray of fresh wheatgrass last night. I spilled about 3 ounces at first. Oh well. I drank about an ... read more another beautiful day 14 y
it is all okay, really
Another beautiful day. I woke up, did my homework in the workbook - even double than what was asked for. Why? An exercise in doing more than what is asked of me. I got to class and the instructor asked us to tear out our assignments and hand them in - not something she warned us about. I felt so good inside listening to my intuition. It paid off today.
I chugged throughout the day 4 liters of water, 2 were with vinegar. I really, really like the cleansing idea of cider vinegar and water. It’s like an invisible, emotional hug for myself with each sip. I was drinking up to 4 lite ... read more Nice to myself? 14 y
good to me
I have completed day 2 of raw vegan, no processed food, no sugar of any kind. I’m drinking a 3 liter jug of water with 1/2 c. cider vinegar. Horseradish and raw peanut butter for the rough cravings. Not together, of course.
Going for a power walk now.
Then wheatgrass and to study.
Then a quick written 11th step. on the present.
Get thee behind me, all that is evil; all that is wrong. Just don’t even say it out loud. Just focus on what is good, what action I can take. visit the page |