Re: i have to chime in here

well, part of my problem is that i feel too good. yep, i feel better now at almost 48 than i did 15 years ago at 33. in fact, i feel about like i did twenty years ago. i think i have hit a personal mental block about how i should be. i have been in a virtual prison for the last seven years and the outside looks to me like it would to any hard timer. i am institutionalized, albeit an institution which i have had a lot of say about, increasingly so as my health has improved. at first, i was all but dead, and death looked easy and appealing.

i know it sounds strange, but i wonder if i dont think i want to get any better! seven years is a long time to fight as hard as i have for my life. now, it scares the shit out of me. i am too comfortable where i am at, yet i know i cant last this way. i know enough to keep myself from going backwards, but i seem to be stuck at a very low rate of improvement. its almost as if i am dragging this out on purpose, but i am not, at least not consciously.

its tough. i can see a little bit of me in m.o.g., so i empathize with him.