Re: Life worth living?

Hey, I'm also 18 years old. You know I could say the same thing. I grew up with an abusive dad, my mom had to run away to a shelter with my sister and I, and then my mom married her current husband who is also an abusive loser - but he doesn't abuse my mom, only me. And somehow, that's okay to my mom, because she's not running away from him like she did my dad. I also don't get along with my parents, and spend a lot of time alone because I'm very quiet and I tend to withdraw from people out of fear from all the abuse I've suffered in life, not just at home, but at school too. All thoughout school I was bullied mercilessly and in grade 11 one of my teachers threatened and sexually harrassed me.

The point is, you're NOT the only one who's felt this way. And I have to tell you, it seems like you're looking for everyone around you to change for you. You want people at school to come up and talk to you, you want your parents to notice you. But what are you doing to provoke change? You said yourself all you do is basically play video games. People's reactions to you are based on what YOU put out. If you put out the vibes that you're a "freak", that "your life isn't worth living", you don't have any friends, and you don't consider yourself to be a worthwhile person, then people will respond to that intuitively and treat you as such.

To be perfectly straightforward, CHANGE STARTS WITH YOU. If you want people to treat you like the wonderful, derserving, and worthwhile human being you are, YOU need to believe it first. YOU need to put forth the effort to change. Your parents aren't going to suddenly come up to your room, give you a hug and apologise for not giving you what you needed out of life. People at school aren't suddenly going to feel bad for you being all alone and decide to hang out with you one day. What you need to do is begin to believe that you deserve better that what you currently have, and believe in your own worth. You are worthy of love, you know. You are worthy of friends, you are worthy of success and you are worthy of happiness. It's your birthright as a person. But it's up to you have to take that birthright and activiate it. Until you truly believe that, you'll only get what you currently think you deserve - and it sounds like you think you deserve a pretty lonely, unhappy life.

Now, I'm not talking about being all conceited and yelling at your parents "I deserve better than you!" (Been there, done that lol!). It won't work. I'm talking about LOVING YOURSELF (a hard concept, eh? It get easier as you go along with it). You have to love yourself in order for others to love you. That's why people are naturally attracted to truly confident people - those confident people love and respect themselves on the inside. We respond to that and think "if they love themselves, they must be worthy of my love too" - do you get my drift? Right now you're looking for everyone else to solve your problems and make you happy, when the solution isn't external - it's internal. The power is right inside of you. All you have to do it take hold of it and use it.

To begin, you have to start with position affirmations EVERY DAY. Look at yourself in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and tell yourself, "I love and approve of myself". and "(your name here), I love you." Sounds kind of werid doesn't it? I first read how to do that in a book and the first thing that popped into my mind was "Wow, that's so uncomfortable." And saying it will completely make you feel uncomfortable, you may even get angry saying it. But that's perfectly natural right now, because it sounds to me like you hate yourself. It sounds like you don't even value your life, because you want to die. That's not right, you see - your life is a gift for you to use. YOU have the power to make your life a great one. If people hurt you, it's because YOU gave away YOUR power to that person, and you let them hurt you. Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Keep saying that affirmation daily, and say it all day. Yes, all day. Just have it as a running though in the back of your mind, or when you're out walking, or taking a shower, or listening to music, or lying on your bed... all day, say "I love and approve of myself. I love myself, I'm a great person." And trust me, you'll get SO much resistence to this thought. You'll get angry and irritable and you'll start to think of everything you don't like about yourself... it's tough. But it WILL get easier if you KEEP AT IT. I've been doing it for about 4 months now, and lately I've been catching myself saying just random positive things about myself, or when my mom's husband starts to get abusive, I don't just take it anymore, because I know I deserve better and I'm NOT going to give my power away. I love myself too much to let someone hurt me. They don't have that right.

When the "I love and approve of myself" resistence begins to lessen, start to add more affirmations, like "I am worthy of love. I am worthy of friends. I am worthy of success and happiness." And say it all day to yourself as well, along with the other affirmations. And don't forget to say every morning and night the "I am worthy" and the "I love and approve of myself" affirmations in front of the mirror, looking yourself in the eye. You should make a habit of saying it every day for the rest of your life. It takes 10 seconds, but makes such a HUGE difference emotionally.

One other thing I'd like to mention - The thing to realise is, when people do TRY to hurt you (like your parents) it isn't intentional at all. They don't know any better, or they didn't at the time. Ever heard of the cycle of violence, where kids who grow up in abusive homes are very likely to become abusers or get involved in relationships with abusive people? They continue the cycle of enagaging with violent people because they don't know any different - they don't realise there's a better way of life out there. When your parents left you at home when you were little, it's not because they didn't love you or want to love you, it's because they didn't know how to be the parents you needed them to be. I had that trouble with my mom, too. She was never there for me growing up, and she lets her current husband abuse me. Why? Well, I dug into her past a bit and found out my grandmother (her mother) had been a cold-hearted control freak and had never paid my mom much attention growing up either. My mom left home at 18, and to this day they don't speak much, and when they do it's never anything personal because they don't know how to love eachother and relate to eachother personally. And guess what? My great grandmother (my grandma's mom) was (according to my sources) the meanest and coldest person you could ever meet. It's all part of the cycle - my great grandmother never showed my grandma real love, so she never learned how to be a good parent and show love to her children, and she passed that down to my mom. And my mom, thinking she wasn't worthy of love because she never got any affection from her mom, choose to marry men who were abusive and were unable to show love properly either. When you start looking back on how all these cycles started, and you begin to see that maybe your parents are really just as hurt as you are but don't realise it. It makes forgiveness a bit easier. Forgiveness is understanding, and forgiveness (even the willingness to forgive) is key to getting out of your angry, resentful thought patterns. The past is long gone, your power is in the present.

But let me tell you - the very fact that you're not just accepting your parents' behaviour shows me that you're a lot more full of love, life and maturity than you think you are. Do you know how many people would just say, "Well, I guess that's how life is!" and continue the cycle? You came on this board looking for change, because you, unlike your parents, see that there's a problem. Don't condem them, mind you, for not seeing the problem, but instead maybe feel a bit sorry for them. Your life is going to be a lot richer and more fulfilling than theirs :) You're strong and wise enough to stop the cycle for YOURSELF. To do that, you need to give YOURSELF the love and self-worth you need - don't depend on others to do it for you.

You should also read this book that has helped me immensely, its called "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise L. Hay. Hide it in your night table drawer or under your bed if you want - nobody has to know you're reading it. There's a workbook you can get to go with the book too, it would be great if you could do that along with reading the book. Read a chapter of the book everyday if you can, and once you've finished reading it, re-read it. It may seem like mambo-jambo at first and you may not believe everything the author says, but give it a chance and read it a few times. You owe yourself that much :) It's a short book, and an easy read. You can order it off of amazon.com, but I would imagine it's in most major chain bookstores, or get it off ebay.

Wow, that was a long message eh? Took me a half hour to write!! I hope it helps you and you understood most of it. Please don't hesitate to message me back if you have any questions. You're going to be okay, I have faith in you :) You have the power right in THIS moment to change YOUR life and be happy.
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