there's more

thanks krupaclassy
you hit the point, something lingers unresolved
I wonder why I am not able to think thoroughly aBOUT IT.every time I try to, the slightest thing my attention from the matter. When I lie on the bed and pray god at night,and I bring up this issue to work on it, I always fall asleep in al little while. Maybe I am not ready to. I'll faithfully wait.
I feel something remains that gives me bitterness and sometimes I think I cannot truly love anyone since I killed of my own son, as if I was somewhat dangerous to the ones I live with, being a murderer . These are feelings, not thoughts, it is difficult to translate it into words.
About two months ago I was riding on a bus to the marketplace carrying my baby in I sling, when suddenly I heard a voice screaming
towards me --- I saw my ex's mother standing in front of me, her face was furious as she pointed to the baby yelling to me " what a lucky baby there, my little nephew didn't deserve living, you just aborted him! " and went on screaming about the horrible person I actually was having ruined his own son's life and sending him to a psych hospital, ending with "you'll get what you deserve someday"
People surrounding me shielded me from her anger criticizing her tactleness and coarseness but I really felt humilated and mortified and in the following days I felt very bad because of my lack of pride that kept my my mouth shut while I could have answered one hundred things to defend myself .

I always feel ashamed, even when I am 100% right, I act as if I was guilty and hiding dark secrets.

my very catholic family knows about the whole thing. They were the main reason why I had abortion ( i was young and unmarried fearing their judgement) and they would be deeply hurted by the truth, they didn't ever suspected, if told they wouldn't believe.
Maybe telling the truth to my parents would free me somehow but they are getting old and I feel they don't deserve to carry this burden it would spoil their elderly years.

excuse me, I feel I need to talk so much about my feelings. I don't want to annoy you nor to be troublesome , just any thought and suggestion is very precious to me
God Bless You. Tweet