I mean my family knows NOTHING about it ( it wouldn't make sense if they did ).

I make for a pretty good listener, so talk away! :)

You did the right thing by not saying anything to your ex's mom. She has all this pent up anger and hurt and needs a target for it. The easiest target is the ex-girlfriend. She just can't accept the idea that he sweet son has mental problems. It's a problem alot of people encounter with mentally ill sick family members. So they hurt themselves, those around them and especially the mentally ill family member.

I've discovered that when it comes to facing buried hurts that sometimes the mind does tricks inorder to protect itself (you) from those feelings. That's the distraction thing. In some people, like OJ Simpson, the brain makes up a new "truth" to replace the old. It's sort of like amnesia. He couldn't handle what he did so his brain made up a new "story", remembering would really do a number on him!

What I do, so I face the hurt without overdoing the emotional hurt thing (I always shut down at that point), is face tiny little parts at a time. First I face that the fact that there's a "new" hurt to face. Next step is usually admitting what that emotion is (I'm pretty good at hiding emotions from myself). After that I rely on the Holy Spirit to guide me. Sometimes the rest comes all at once and at other times it comes in more little steps. But I start out in the same way for any "new" hurt that shows it's ugly little head.

Have you considered forgiving yourself for what you felt forced into doing? You know, you can't go and change the past (sometimes I'd like to change that one myself!). But you can forgive yourself for the decisions that you made. It'd probably be the hardest thing to do, I have a hard time forgiving myself for things that I shouldn't even feel guilty about! But it would be worth it. The fact is, you made the very best decision for yourself at the time. At the moment you were upset and scared and without a whole lot of support. Now you might see things differently, but remember that you did have that information in the past. God can and will forgive you, but you need to forgive yourself too. You are worth that forgiveness!

Next time you feel overwhelmed and ashamed try praying for Jesus' comforting presence. Ask Him to be there for you so that you can feel His presence. I have prayed that prayer before and He has always come through. He will help you and comfort you by letting you know He's there in a way that you will recognise. My husband way of "knowing" is through sudden mental pictures, mine is "feeling" sort of like touch. Just say, "I will recognise you through ---" and then just trust that He will us that to comfort you. It really does work!

God bless and keep you in your times of trouble.