Re: I want to die

I know you have alot of responses but you can never have too much encouragement and support, right? LOL.

So here's my story...I contracted Genital Herpes when I was about 21 yrs old. I was seeing a guy exclusively for almost a year. As far I knew, he wasn't with anyone else but now I think he may have been. I trusted him and was just plain careless for not protecting myself.
Anyway, I loved him and he didn't love me so we decided to end it. About 3 weeks later, I start getting an itchy, yeast type pain in my whoo-whoo (sorry thats what I call it). I also had a pimple type thing on it too. I thought it was a bad yeast infection so I went to the doctor. I can remember laying on the table as she said, " HMMMM....yep...that's Herpes". My whole body froze and I felt like I was hit by a tidal wave. I started crying and the tearing wouldn't stop.
The doctor was nice and she kept reassuring me that it wasnt the end of the world...but it was! It was the end of my world as I knew it. I must have stayed in that office for hours or so it felt and kept crying. All I kept thinking was, "No one will EVER want me now...I am like damaged goods".
I left the office and cried the entire night. I told my parents and they were supportive but even their love and support could not stop the pain inside. Then I began to get very ill due to fact it was the first outbreak. I had a fever, chills, swollen glands, headache, bodyache....I felt like this nasty virus was eating my life away...like I WAS DYING.
I felt dirty, disgusting, unloved, unwanted, tainted, vile, unlovable....damaged for good.
Over the next couple days, I lost time from work, lost time with my son (who was 3 or 4 yrs old then) and also stayed in bed and cried. I mourned my former, clean self. I told myself no one would ever want to love me or be with me now because of this horrible disease. I was broken.
Over some time, I began to get books out of the library about Herpes and read all I could. I also read personal stories about people who overcame all of the feelings I was having. I stated feeling like maybe I would get through it too. I decided it was time to confront the man who gave me this lovely gift.
I called him and asked if we could get together to talk since we were no longer a couple. I went to his house and I could barely get the words out. I cried through my words the entire time. I told him I believe he gave me Herpes and he said <"Awww man...I'm sorry" WHAT! SORRY! He never did deny or admit having Herpes and after that, I didn't speak to him again.

Fastforward in life, I am now 27 yrs old and have been through the pain of telling possible lovers. I chose this because I believe its fair to give a person a choice in the matter. I wasn't given the choice of knowing. Turns out I had 2 serious boyfriends who did accpt me...herpes and all. The relationships ended but not due to that. Now, i am happily married to a man who loves my son and we have a daughter of our own also. She's 16 months old. He loves me with or without Herpes. The most important thing was I was upfront with him BEFORE sexual contact and he has always respected me for that. Many people do not disclose. I also never thought I could have another baby due to Herpes because of the risk to the baby but I told my midwife upfront and everything possible was done to assure my baby would be fine. And she was! Perfectly perfect!
So all in all, I have learned that I am not Herpes, I am a woman who happens to have Herpes. It has no power to make me unlovable or unwanted. It is not me!
I hope you find your inner being again...don't allow this virus to take over who you are....you are wonderfully made!
Love, Dawnseve Tweet