i need a friend...

I am so depressed... I tried so hard for the past few years to take better care of my body, maybe heal from the damage I have probably done to it, but I simply can't be happy with my normal, fatty self. I have tried so hard to eat healthy foods and to naturally lose weight but it is so impossible for me, and I have too many emotional problems going on. I do get very skinny at times but it is harder to keep up, and I gain back weight whenever i feel down or sad. I find it so hard to control my appetite. I just started using ephedra again, although I am scared of heart problems. I am so depressed that I see no other way.

My husband hates my healthier body and wants me to go back to my obsessed starving self. I weigh 110 lbs/5'5", used to weigh 97 lbs. I have some major problems like stress (husband), PMS, Depression (husband), water retention, etc. Yesterday, my husband and I were fighting and he said he would have never wanted to be with me if I looked the way I look now when we first met. I was crying but he doesn't care... I always get very, very upset when he just attacks me and confronts me about my body like that. I used to look like a 'runway model', now I look thin, but not skinny. I don't look 'hard-body' right now. I am very unhappy with my life and my body, but I almost feel that with the way my husband has hurt my feelings so many times, I don't find it worth it anymore to spend hours in the gym to aim for a perfect body... for him... he will not change his behavior. I want to lose weight for myself, not because he wants it... that makes me sick.
I know this all must sound really silly, but my life is a living hell. I STILL love my husband but I also feel so much pain, and I hate him. I give so much of myself, and I truly love him, only to find out that he only loved me for my body/looks.

I am so depressed... I don't talk much, and I want so bad for him to go away on another business trip so I can be alone. I don't know what to do.
I want to be super skinny again so bad, but I am so afraid of cravings and binging, not being in control. The stress and pressure my husband puts on me make me want to binge. He thinks he is 'helping me reach my goal', but really this only makes me want to kill myself.
He is very manipulative and selfish. He thinks he is the center of the universe. He can also be very sweet, but he is very controlling and cold at times. He kind of switches around a lot between moods.

I have told him about my struggles with PMS, and that I have had heart palpitaions at times when I weighed very little. I tell him that it has been harder to not be hungry since I quit smoking, and he tells me that I should start smoking again. This really upsets me, cause quitting smoking was a big achievement for me, and I don't understand why he would rather have me have a dangerous habit than for me to be healthy. It hurts.

I get a lot of attention from males. I think a lot of guys would say my husband was crazy if they knew he called me fat, but my husband tells me that those people just have low standards.
No matter how much I try, it is never good enough for him and when I do lose weight, usually something will happen and he will criticise me again. I think he is seriously disturbed. He may have some mental illness, like bipolar Depression or other problems. I can't live with him anymore but I get even more sad about the idea of leaving him, giving up on my marriage and starting over.

I only started gaining weight because I couldn't deal with the emotional stress I have had to deal with since marrying him. He was so obsessively protective and possessive, tactless, overly critical and... well just about a thousand other things went wrong. I always went up and down 2 or 3 pounds, but one time he noticed me being a tiny bit fuller than usual (but still really underweight) and made a comment about it right in the middle of having sex... I freaked out inside, cause I was struggling with anorexia and body issueas even without him saying anything.
He was willing to do anything to keep me from getting fat, because he had been through that with a former girlfriend. I always thought I was completely in control, and so good at denying my hunger, exercising obsessively, that I never thought weight would be an issue for me, but my life turned into a nightmare when my emotional health went down and down untill I had no self esteem or control left. I felt so violated too, because the person who was being so overly critial on myself was not me but another person... my freaking husband! Most of the people around me at the time were concerned with my low weight and I felt pressure to hide my starving habit because people were asking me questions like if I threw up or what the deal was with my skinnyness. I guess it made me think about my health cause I really didn't realise how thin i was. I loved my husband and I was afraid to ruin my body and become infertile so i could not have a baby with him.
I wanted to take care of myself and stay as healthy as possible in my situation, because I have had to save myself a few times from heart palpitaions, coma, breathing problems etc. it was very confusing for me that he would want to 'correct me' for gaining a few pounds at that time. it was my worst nightmare to have him not find me as attractive as possible.
My husband never thought it was strange that I hardly ate, he thought it was great whenever he went to a restaurant to pig out and I would always just have a plate of lettuce with no dressing. He thought that this way at least i would not get fat.

I am more depressed than ever, and my self esteem is the lowest it has ever been. I hate him so much for systematically hurting my feelings and not being a true friend to me. He knows about my problems but he doesn't care to understand any of it. He really doesn't care at all about my health, he just wants me to look the best I can possibly look, no matter what it takes. I wanted so bad to be perfect for him, but now I think it is impossible, and that he has some mental problems.

However, at the same time I feel so sad and hurt, that the only thing I really want is to stop eating forever and get thinner than I have ever been. I want to be so thin that everybody will be able to see my pain... But I still have to battle food cravings and emotional pain every day without comfort. I know I will succeed though.

I try to talk to him about some of my physical problems that bother me, but he is not interested and he tells me it is because I eat too much. I hate him so much, and I am constanly fantasizing about strangling him.. although I am not a violent person, it is like I need these fantasies to ease the pain inside.

I am going crazy. I am so tired and devastated after all this time with him. I don't know myself anymore. The only hope I feel is from the idea that I will lose all the extra weight, get a perfect body, make him admire me again and then dump him as hard as I can. I know it is not ok to want revenge, and I should not even care that much. I should be more like a zen-master, but this pain is so much... it is like my heart is a big open wound. The only thing that I can think about now is to make him feel that pain inside of him.

I feel that love doesn't exist... and that society and 'today's world' will only accept me, like me, respect me or see me if I am super skinny.. and being skinny is the only thing that can fix my problems.
I am supposed to be strong and smart, not weak and helpless, but I am so helpless... I can't fight this alone. I have needed help so bad for so long... even just someone who understands me.. I am getting more mentally sick and I want out of this prison so bad.

Sorry for writing so much, but I just feel so sick and sad.. feel so hurt. It is too much to explain and I don't expect anyone to understand what I am going through, but maybe I am hoping to hear about others who have pain or things to share regarding their lives struggles and eating disorders. it would mean a lot to me.




















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